哪些“这种事情不可能发生在我身上”的事情发生在了你身上？
What “that can’t happen to me” thing happened to you?
译文简介
世事无常。
正文翻译
What “that can’t happen to me” thing happened to you?
哪些“这种事情不可能发生在我身上”的事情发生在了你身上？
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
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A car crashed through my kitchen last year.
去年有一辆车撞进了我家厨房。
I woke up to a truck parking in my bathtub 2w before Christmas a few years ago. I watched my sink roll past my bedroom door followed by a hubcap. Driver managed to cross a median, 3lane road, up an embankment, through an iron fence and between trees. He'd been involved in an altercation nearby and was fleeing the scene.
几年前圣诞节之前的两个星期，我醒来之后发现一辆卡车停在我的浴缸旁边。我看着我的洗手池滚进卧室的房门，后面跟着滚进来一个毂盖。司机开过了三车道的中线，开上了路堤，撞倒了铁栅栏和好几棵树。结果他是卷入了附近的一场争执，本来想逃离现场。
Just speeding from one crime to another
从一个犯罪现场赶往另一个犯罪现场
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
My kitchen is not a drive-thru!
我的厨房又不是得来速！
My niece accidentally did that to the neighbors when she was learning to drive
我的外甥女在学开车的时候，曾经不小心撞进过邻居的厨房。
This happened to me too!!! Hit and run bc it happened while we were at work. Bizarre to come home to your dining room caved in.
我也碰见过这种事情！我们还在上班的时候，有人撞了我们家厨房然后跑了。回家之后发现餐厅多了个洞，还是挺离谱的。
That's so random. Did someone's brakes fail? Hope no one was hurt.
这实在是太离谱了。是某人的刹车坏了吗？希望没人受伤。
Dude hit another car on the main road, drove down my street at 80mph and hydroplaned off the road. The police found a large amount of drugs and cash in the car. We weren't hurt but it was terrifying. It was a literal explosion in our kitchen.
那哥们是在主干道上撞了别人的车，以80英里每小时的时速开到了我家门口的街上，像水上飞机一样从路上漂出去了。警察在车里发现了大量的毒品和现金。我们自己没受伤，但这太吓人了。我家厨房基本就像发生了一场爆炸一样。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Weirdly enough, a mobile kitchen crashed into my car this year.
离谱的是，今年有辆移动餐车撞上了我的车。
Reminds me of a funny story. I was really young, probably 3 years old. Was looking out the window while mom and dad were in the room doing something with my younger brother and i just tell them “a car just crashed a house.” They said no it didnt, then came and looked and went “oh my god, a car just crashed into that house!” Went through the room by their front door
这让我想起了一个好笑的事情。我那时候特别小，大概也就三岁。我从窗户往外看，爸爸妈妈在陪我弟弟玩，我跟他们说，“有辆车撞进房子了。”他们说没有不可能，然后跑到窗户旁边，“我的妈呀，有辆车撞进房子了！”从正门直接撞了进去。
A snake fell out of a tree and bit me on the head
一条蛇从树上掉了下来，咬了我脑袋一口。
Please tell me where this happened so I know if I need to leave the continent or the planet.
请告诉我这件事发生在哪里，我需要考虑一下要不要离开那片大陆或者这个星球。
To no one’s surprise, Florida
谁也不会感到吃惊的答案：佛罗里达。
I mean, Australia was a distinct possibility
有一说一，澳大利亚的可能性不小。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I was an innocent bystander shot in the chest during a drive by.
开车路过案发现场的时候被一枪打到胸口了。
OK aside from the jokes, how bad was it? Like I assume it hurt, but was it more of a burning?
好吧，不开玩笑，伤势严重吗？我知道很痛，但是像燃烧一样痛吗？
Yes, it was a very bad burning sensation. It spun me around, then to my knees. I had trouble getting a breath, happy portions of my life passed before my eyes just before I passed out and fell face first onto the sidewalk. I woke up in the surgical recovery room, nauseous and extremely tired. I’m OK now.
没错，当时感觉就是像烧灼一样，疼得很厉害。我被转了一圈，然后跪下了。我没办法呼吸，人生中那些幸福的片段在我的眼前闪过，然后我就晕了过去，脸朝下趴在了人行道上。醒来之后我就在手术恢复室了，又恶心又累得不行。现在我没事了。
My brother-in-law had a psychotic break after going off his medication (which he hid from us), and killed my sleeping father, then himself. Perfectly normal the night before, we were laughing and talking and he asked if I would make a certain meal for dinner the next day. Eight hours later, our family was shattered.
我的小舅子在断了药（他没跟我们说）之后精神崩溃了，杀了我已经入睡的父亲，然后自杀了。前一天晚上还完全正常，我们一边笑一边聊天，他还问我明天晚上能不能做一种菜。八个小时之后，我们的家就碎了。
I'm so sorry.
我很抱歉。
他嫁给你姐姐了吗？她现在怎么样？
Yes. She's doing better, but I don't know if she, or any of us, will really ever truly 'get over' it.
没错。她现在好一些了。但我不知道她，或者我们家任何一个人，能真的“翻过篇”。
my dad committed murder suicide.
我父亲杀人之后自杀了。
my great grandfather did this. 3 of his children, his brother, then himself.
我的曾祖父也这么做过。杀了他的孩子，他自己的哥哥，然后自杀了。
Everyone else’s stories are very sad so here’s something a bit lighter. I’ve mentioned this story before but I got bitten on the neck by a penguin.
大伙的故事都挺让人难过的，我还是讲点让人开心的吧。我之前其实讲过这个故事，我被一只企鹅咬过脖子。
当地动物园办了个活动，有一只企鹅和一只猫头鹰站在带把手的桌子上，你可以挨着它们拍照。企鹅想要喝我的杯子里的酒，我把酒挪走了。于是企鹅就狠狠咬了我的脖子一口，把脖子咬瘀血了。之后他们就把企鹅带走了。
I was sailing off the coast of New Jersey with my dad. During the day the hatch above my stateroom popped open on its own in bumpy seas and the stateroom got flooded with water so I had to spend the night sleeping outside in the cockpit.
我和我爸爸在新泽西的海岸线上开船。白天客舱上面的舱门自己开了，当时海浪很大，客舱进了水，于是我就得在客舱外面睡觉。
那天晚上有很大的雾，有一只小黑鹂迷了路，找不到能落脚的地方，最终发现了我们的小船，它一定很高兴终于能找到一个干燥的地方能休息了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
于是在我睡觉的时候，那只鸟落在了我的头上。
醒来之后我感觉有什么东西沿着我的耳朵躺下来，我伸手去挠，结果发现是满手的鸟屎，吓得我大喊了一声。我爸爸的朋友当时在掌舵，他看见了事情发生的全过程，那是他这辈子见过的最搞笑的事情。
My dad killed himself when I was 13. Left my mum widowed at 41 with two kids. He was meant to drive up to meet us at his sister's holiday house and instead he went and offed himself. He had just gone on a new depression medication that, these days, when you start it you're not meant to be left alone for the initial two weeks because it can get much worse before it gets better, so that's pretty dumb.
我父亲在我13岁那年自杀了。留下了我41岁守寡的妈妈和她的两个孩子。他本来是开车要在我姑姑的度假住宅这里来见我们的，但他却结束了自己的性命。当时他刚开始吃一种抗抑郁的药物。那时候的这种药物，如果你开始吃的话，那么最开始的两星期你是不能一个人呆着的，因为一开始的症状反而会比之后更加严重，所以还挺蠢的。
My wife cheated on me with my best friend. They’re moving in together next month. I’m in a new city thousands of miles away. I found out a month ago.
我老婆出轨了，和我最好的朋友跑了。他们下个月就要搬到一起去住了。我现在住在几千英里之外的新城市里。我是一个月之前发现的。
My wife cheated on me with my best friend.
引用：“我老婆出轨了，和我最好的朋友跑了。”
我也经历过。我有一个像兄长一样对我的朋友，上了我的未婚妻。那已经是十五年前了。我再也不留意他们的生活了，他们最后也没在一起，但是他们两个人之后的生活都变得非常难过，我的那位前好友尤其如此。那哥们的人生失败得一塌糊涂，就算在一个痛恨他的人眼里也让人脊背发凉。
其实到头来这算是件好事，毕竟尽管这是很痛苦的事情，但能够发现你生活里的毒蛇，然后把它赶出去让你去做更好的事情，其实是很不错的。
此后我也有过浪漫的关系，但我得说实话，我此后再也没有过亲密的男性朋友，之前那个上了我的未婚妻的人已经是我这些年来第三个试过这种事情的“好朋友”了。他妈的这帮人都是怎么回事。
我对朋友们的忠诚已经变成了我的缺点。我甚至拒绝过那些和我的朋友们谈恋爱的时候和我约炮的女人，因为在我看来原则就是原则，但不知道怎么回事，现在感觉我好像才是那个疯子了。
Our house burned in a wildfire, we lost absolutely everything we owned and only salvaged a single coffe3 cup.
我们家的房子被森林大火烧了，我们失去了自己拥有的一切，只捡出来一个咖啡杯。
好消息是：我高中的时候疯狂迷恋上了一个男孩，我们一起去了夏令营，当时我就很喜欢他。20多岁的时候我们重新联系了一下，最后在一起了，现在我们已经一起生活了二十多年，结婚将近十七年。我们还是和最开始一样互相爱慕。
My husband of 27 years hooked up with a married woman from our small town before informing either of their spouses that our marriages were over. This was a man who was very big on emotional intelligence, being honest, and scathing about other folks cheating.
我结婚27年的丈夫和我们小镇上的另一个有夫之妇勾搭上了，双方都没有通知他们的配偶这段婚姻已经结束了。我丈夫还是一个情商非常高，非常诚实，并且非常看不起其他人劈腿的人。
homelessness. it came swiftly and out of nowhere. had no savings and landlord sold the house i was in. couldn’t afford a new place so lived in my car with my dog for a few months. ended up finding community assistance and got into an apartment.
无家可归。这种事情忽然间就发生了，没有任何迹象。我没有存款，然后我的房东把我住的房子给卖了。我住不起新房子，所以只能在车里和我的狗一起住。最后通过社区支持，找到了一间公寓。
Gave authorization to have my mom's life support removed. Still very fucked up from it since. We were very close.
我在妈妈同意拔管的确认书上签了字。到今天为止仍然非常难过。我们之间关系特别好。
这件事会一直缠着你的。
Waiting for my daughter to wake up so I could tell her that her dad died the night before.
等我女儿起床，告诉她她的父亲前一天晚上去世了。
After seeing people intubated (on a ventilator) as a nurse, I thought I would never want to live through something like that. Not only did I end up on a vent, but I was on it wide awake with no sedation b/c I went into hypovolemic shock (they had to discontinue my sedative b/c my blood pressure dropped too low). Here I am today…I survived, I’m healthy, & I’m thankful for ventilators.
当护士的时候，看见有人气管插管（插着呼吸机），我觉得自己永远也不想经历这种事情。结果我不仅真的经历了，而且给我插管的时候还没用镇静剂，因为我陷入了低血容量性休克（他们不得不停止我的镇静剂给药，因为我的血压太低了）。但我还是活下来了，我很健康，并且感谢呼吸机。（译注：hypo meaning low……）
The neighbors house on one side of my childhood home burned down from a lightening strike. Within a few years the neighbors on the other side also got struck by lightening and burned down.
我小时候邻居家被雷劈起火了。没过几年，另一边的邻居家也被雷劈起火了。
吓得不轻。
读大学的时候，我本来打算坐飞机回家休息。我研究了一下最便宜的航班，把信息写了下来。然后我妈妈做了个梦，她决定搬到我这边。于是我没有订那个航班。那个航班失事了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I was lying on the beach and a seagull flying very high took a shit and it went straight in my mouth
我在沙滩上躺着，一只飞得特别高的海鸥拉了泡屎，正好落进了我嘴里。
Was walking out of my apartment in a formal dress to go to a grad school gala and a pigeon shat on my dress. Good times.
穿着正装从公寓走出来参加研究生毕业舞会，鸽子在我的裙子上拉了一泡。太乐了。
I was at a campsite that got struck by lightning. It traveled through a large tree and killed the father of a family sleeping in a hammock at the site next to us. They didn’t realize until they woke up because nobody else was harmed.
我露营的地方被雷劈了。闪电穿过了一棵大树，劈死了在我们帐篷旁边的一张吊床上睡觉的父亲。他们一家人醒来之后才发现这件事，因为其他人全都毫发无伤。
Came here to talk about school shootings, but unfortunately it’s a painfully common thing that people have experiences with.
想聊一聊校园枪击案，对于那些经历过这种事情的人来说，这种事普遍得有些令人痛苦。
我十三岁那年（今年30岁了），16岁的表姐在一场枪击案中被挟持并杀害了。她去的是一个特别小，特别偏僻的学校。我几周之前刚见过她，我在她的陪伴下第一次去买胸罩。她是我这辈子除了姐姐之外最亲近的人，并且她还帮我度过了刚上高中时的阶段。
这彻底改变了我的人生轨迹。后来我读了神经科学与心理健康方面的硕士，毕业论文是积极心理学对于经历严重心理创伤的青少年的PTSD与抑郁情绪的影响。不幸的是，在研究过程中，我发现美国枪支协会禁止了美国境内对校园枪击案的研究。这个数据并非唾手可得，并且你没法很轻易地得到。这太邪恶了。