你做过的最困难的事情是什么?（二）

Anonymous
I recently was released from an Alabama prison. I spent two years in prison.
I was sent there when I was 17, I am 19 now. The Alabama prisons are a horrible place. I was a sheltered child growing up. When I was 17 my father forced me to steal from some people because we didn't have any money. I did not want to do it, my father forced me to. I begged and pleaded with him.
I used to love to play video games. I haven't now played games in years, since I was probably 15.
I was and am still tall and kind of thin.
The first place I went, was one of the worst places, the juvenile wedge in the Mobile metro jail. A wedge holds eight cells, and is supposed to only hold 2 juveniles per cell/per two bunks. But there were sometimes up to 4 people per cell, forcing kids to sleep on the mats on floor and right near the toilet. The 16 and 17 year olds in Alabama jails are horrible and the most violent of all inmates. I can look back and understand the readers thoughts, they probably are curious to know how age 15-17 year olds could be so violent. But, Alabama, if you have actually visited, is a very rough place, especially the projects. I was in this jail with the teens who were the ones that committed the worst crimes, 1st degree robberies, murders, arson, theft, rape and molestation.

我最近刚被从阿拉巴马州的一所监狱获释，我在监狱里呆了两年。
我17岁时被送到那里，现在我19岁了。阿拉巴马州的监狱是个可怕的地方。我曾是一个受保护的孩子。当我17岁的时候，因为我们没有钱，我的父亲强迫我从一些人那里偷东西。我本不想做这件事，是我父亲逼我干的。我还恳求他来着。
我以前喜欢玩电子游戏。我可能从15岁起就已经好几年没有玩过游戏了。
我过去和现在都是又高又瘦。
我去的第一个地方，是最糟糕的地方之一，莫比尔市的青少年监狱。一个楔形牢房可以容纳8个牢房，每个牢房每有两个铺位只能容纳2名青少年。但有时每个牢房最多有4个人，迫使孩子们睡在地板上和厕所附近的垫子上。阿拉巴马州监狱中的16岁和17岁的囚犯非常可怕，是所有囚犯中最为暴力的。我可以回顾并理解读者的想法，他们可能很好奇15-17岁的人怎么会如此暴力。但是，阿拉巴马州，如果你真的去过，是一个非常犯罪盛行的地方，尤其是廉租房区。我和一群犯了最严重罪行的青少年在这个监狱里：一级抢劫、谋杀、纵火、盗窃、强奸和猥亵。

I was the only white boy. They always attempted to steal from me and rob me, and literally terrorize me, throwing piss on me, or spitting in my drinking cup.
They let the inmates fill up the other inmates drinking cups.
The first week there, I bought a $20 phone card, and when I came back to my cell the black kids were waiting for me in there, predators. They had put a towel over the cell's only light, to darken the cell, so the guards couldn't see what was about to happen. And they surrounded me once I had walked back into the cell. I told them I would not give them the phone card, I actually intimidated them.
I was grabbed from behind, and put into a choke hold, then I blacked out. I woke up from underneath the steel metal desk with blood dripping down the side of my face. The phone card was gone.

我是唯一的白人男孩。他们总是试图偷我的东西，抢劫和恐吓我，向我撒尿，或者在我的饮用杯里吐口水。
他们让犯人给其他犯人倒满杯子。
在那里的第一周，我买了一张20美元的电话卡，当我回到牢房时，黑人孩子在那里等我，他们是掠夺者。他们在牢房唯一的一盏灯上盖了一条毛巾，让牢房变暗，这样警卫就看不到即将发生的事情。我一走进牢房，他们就围住了我。我告诉他们我不会给他们电话卡，实际上我是恐吓他们。
我被人从后面抓住，掐住脖子，然后我就昏过去了。我从钢制金属桌子下面醒来，鲜血顺着我的脸往下滴，电话卡不见了。

After that, I spent an entire year in a cell by myself, because I had to be separated from them. Throughout that amount of time, I saw over one hundred fights, and was sleep deprived quite a lot. The juveniles would scream and yell and cuss each other out ALL the time. They were animals. They would talk about the most hateful, vile things, and how 'gangster' they were, drug dealing, robbing and killing. It was utterly saddening. Especially at night, they would beat on the metal over and over and over, and rap, all of them together. (In no way am I racist. Nor prejudice towards a certain taste of music, I like rap myself sometimes.)
During the time I was in jail, I heard news about my father. Months later, a Correctional Officer actually was the one to give me news that my father had been arrested himself. He had stolen from more people, the same exact way he had made me do it. And was in jail. he would finally pay for what he had done to me. But, there are no laws protecting kids from what their parents force them to do

在那之后，我一个人在牢房里呆了整整一年，因为我不得不和他们分开。在那段时间里，我看了一百多场打斗，睡眠不足。少年们会一直尖叫、大喊大叫、互相谩骂。他们是动物，他们会谈论最可恨、最卑鄙的事情，以及他们是多么的“流氓”，毒品交易，抢劫和杀戮。这真是令人痛心。尤其是在晚上，他们会一遍又一遍地敲打金属，说唱，所有人都在一起。（我绝不是种族主义者。我对某种音乐品味也没有偏见，有时我自己也喜欢说唱。）
在我入狱期间，我听到了关于我父亲的消息。几个月后，一名惩教官员告诉我，我父亲也被捕了。他从更多的人那里偷东西，就像他让我偷的一样。他进了监狱，他最终会为他对我所做的一切付出代价。但是，当父母强迫孩子做某些事情时，没有法律保护孩子免受惩罚

The juvenile wedge was located right next to the suicide wedge.
The loudest wedge in the entire 2000+ jail. That is where they put the drunks, the crazy psychopaths who had just murdered their whole family, and even more nutjobs. One man gouged his father's eyes out with a spoonThey would beat constantly and scream and moan all night long.
I remember specifically the one's who would never stop beating on the clear plexiglass walls of the suicide cells. They were in there naked, (all of them). At one time I saw my own father in there, after he had gotten jumped in another wedge and his nose broken and both eyes completely blackened. They put him in their for "protection". I remember hearing the guards running in there and beating the hell out of those people, and hearing the inmates scream. I was right next to those cells. I lost lots of sleep over the constant noise,
BANG BANG BANG. BANGING over and over and over, for hours

关押少年的楔形牢房就在关押自杀犯的楔形牢房的旁边。
这是整个2000多个监牢里最吵的一处地方。这就是他们把醉汉、刚刚谋杀了他们全家的疯狂精神病患者，甚至更多的疯子放在那里的地方。一个人用勺子挖出他父亲的眼睛。他们会不停地跳动，整夜尖叫和呻吟。
我记得特别清楚，有一个人一直不停地敲打着自杀室的透明有机玻璃墙。他们(所有人)在里面都光着身子。有一次，我在那里看到我自己的父亲，他在另一个楔形牢房被袭击，鼻子断了，两只眼睛都完全熏黑了，他们把他列入“保护名单”。我记得我听到狱警跑进去把那些人揍得半死，还听到囚犯们的尖叫。我就在那些牢房旁边。不断的噪音让我失眠，
砰、砰、砰；一遍又一遍，持续了几个小时。

I did read a lot of the christian bible, when I actually believed in that kind of stuff. And other books as well, It was my only solace then. And learning, I yearned to read and learn.
I was constantly a target with the black people, because I was a white boy.
I was deeply miserable, and so I got the doctors to finally give me sleep medicine after many months, "Remerons", which made me feel like I was slow when I took them, but sleepy. They took a very long time to wear off.
I started to slide them in the inside of my mouth when the nurse would give them to me, and I would spit them out when I got back to my cell, And hide them in a hole in my inch thick mat. I had no pillow, just a wool blanket.
So over a long amount of time, I started to collect those sleeping pills just in case.

我确实读了很多基督教圣经，当我真正相信那些东西的时候，还读了其他的书，那是我唯一的慰藉。在学习方面，我渴望阅读和学习。
我一直是黑人的目标，因为我是一个白人男孩。
我非常痛苦，所以我让医生在几个月后终于给我开了睡眠药“Remerons”，这让我觉得服用它们时速度很慢，但很困，药效花了很长时间才慢慢消失。
当护士把它们给我的时候，我开始把它们塞进嘴里，当我回到牢房的时候我会把它们吐出来，然后把它们藏在我一英寸厚的垫子上的一个洞里。我没有枕头，只有一条羊毛毯。
所以在很长一段时间里，我开始收集安眠药以防万一。

Things got more miserable, I stopped a young black kid from committing suicide in my cell at one point. I turned 18 in jail.
One night I took all the remerons I had collected, I first waited for my cellmates to begin playing cards, and then I took around 100 of them, and heated up some hot water, and crushed up some of the pills and swallowed them all down.
It was the worst, bitter disgusting taste. I still have a hard time swallowing pills if I ever have to chew them. I wrote a note telling my mother I loved her and wished I could hug her. No one knows the truth or what really happened. No one cares to know.
I hadn't seen her in 8 years. I got up on my top bunk and rolled over on my side on my mat. And laid there. I prayed to God, asking to be with him, I commend to you my spirit "Lord". I was completely terrified of going to hell, but I still did it, I was in so much misery.
30 minutes later my body was almost paralyzed. And my body was pulsing and throbbing. I began to feel very sick. I tried as hard as I could to hold my stomach in. But I had to get up and go to the toilet to vomit, and my whole body was almost paralyzed, I could not jump off my rack. I couldn't move.
And then I blacked out, into nothingness. Silence. Blackness.
There was no bright light.

事情变得更悲惨，有一次我在我的牢房里阻止了一个年轻的黑人孩子自杀。我在监狱里度过了18岁生日。
一天晚上，我把收集到的睡眠药“Remerons”都带走了，我先等狱友们开始打牌，然后我拿走了大约100颗药，加热了一些热水，碾碎了一些药丸，把它们全部吞下。
那是最糟糕的，又苦又恶心的味道。如果我需要咀嚼药片，我仍然很难吞咽。我写了一张纸条，告诉妈妈我爱她，希望我能拥抱她。没人知道真相，也没人知道到底发生了什么，没人想知道。
我已经8年没见到她了。我从上铺爬起来，侧身躺在垫子上，躺在那里。我向上帝祈祷，请求与他同在，我把我的灵“主”托付给你。我完全害怕下地狱，但我还是下了地狱，我很痛苦。
30分钟后，我的身体几乎瘫痪了。我的身体在跳动。我开始感到很不舒服。我尽我所能地撑着肚子。但我不得不起床去厕所呕吐，我的整个身体几乎瘫痪了，我无法从架子上跳下来，我不能动了。
然后我就昏过去了，一片空白。沉默、黑暗。
没有明亮的灯光。

Over the course of that period, while I was in jail, I had many inmates/criminals try to hurt me.
Later, I woke up in a hospital handcuffed to a stretcher, I was on life support.
My cellmates had gotten scared and told the guards, once they had seen me black out. I obviously did not want my cellmates to know what I had done. But I was forced to throw up, and black out.
After my ill recovery, I was thrown into the suicide wedge, right where I remembered all those people.
I soon was shackled and shipped to prison, where there was no A/C at all, there is none in the Alabama prisons.You are forced to work all day.
And the temperatures inside the dorms get to 100+ degrees. Everyday, all day long, during the hot long Alabama summers.
I remember pools of sweat collecting on my mat, while I tried to lay down. I would have to strip to my underwear to stay cooler.

在那段时间里，当我在监狱里的时候，有很多囚犯/罪犯试图伤害我。
后来，我在医院醒来，被铐在担架上，我依靠生命维持系统生活。
我的狱友们一看到我昏倒就吓坏了，并告诉了警卫。我显然不想让狱友知道我做了什么。但我被迫吐了出来，然后昏倒了。
在我病愈后，我被扔进自杀者牢房，我记得那地方的所有人。
我很快就被戴上镣铐，送进了监狱，那里根本没有空调，阿拉巴马州的监狱里也没有，被迫整天工作。
宿舍里的温度达到了100多度（华氏度）。在亚拉巴马州漫长炎热的夏天里，每天都是这样。
我记得当我试图躺下时，我的垫子上积满了汗水。为了保持凉爽，我不得不脱光内裤。

The black men would look at me, and some would masturbate at me, while I would sleep, or do it right in front of me. They call it "gunning you down".
It was a fact that the African american men were specifically like this.
A lot of the time when I would try to take a quick shower, they would all watch me, to see when I would go in. And then go in the shower with me and watch me, and 'gun me down', while I bathed myself quickly.
But I knew I had parole coming up, And I might make it, If I never get into any fights, or disciplinaries. Which was even worse. Because, I needed to stand up for myself. It was so crowded in prison, there was no privacy.
Showers were completely wide open, toilets were in rows of 30 lined up.
No stalls, Those did not exist.

黑人会看着我，有些会在我睡觉的时候对着我手淫，或者就在我面前手淫。他们称之为“射杀你”。
事实上，非裔美国人就是这样的。
很多时候，当我试着快速洗澡时，他们都会看着我，看看我什么时候进去。然后和我一起洗澡，看着我，同时在我快速洗澡的时候“射杀我”。
但我知道我即将获得假释，如果我从不打架或受到纪律处分，我可能会成功的。更糟糕的是。因为，我需要为自己挺身而出。监狱里太拥挤了，没有隐私。
淋浴间完全敞开，厕所排成一排，每排30个。
没有淋浴室，那些根本不存在。

I tried dearly to avoid the showers, and the sick people. I saw a lot of sick stuff in there. The white gay boys were the ones that almost always were on the "receiving" end of the action.
Homemade hypodermic needles, and one of the main drugs, called Suboxones, they are a narcotic analgesic and they dissolve fast. The drug addicts broke up and disolved the film in a spoon and either snorted or injected it. I had never done drugs before.
I was in prison for a long time.
After two years of being in there, and finally making parole, I was released and transferred to another state. I was granted immediate release from parole at least three months before, but it took them a very long time to "find" the paperwork. They would not have done it or found it, if a trustee inmate had not given me a special phone number for the parole boards office, that was not "public", and I got my family to call up there over 50 times over a course of months.
I realized my weaknesses while in prison, my puniness as well.
A lot of me died slowly inside, I do not think about girls as much. I was a young kid, I had only ever had one girlfriend in 8th grade. I had to drop out of school after that.

我尽量不去淋浴，避免见到恶心的人。我在里面看到很多恶心的东西。白人同性恋男孩几乎总是“受”着。
自制的皮下注射针，以及一种名为Suboxones的主要药物，它们是一种麻醉性止痛药，溶解速度很快。吸毒者们将其打碎分开溶解在勺子里，要么用鼻吸，要么注射。不过我以前从未吸毒。
我在监狱里待了很长时间。
在那里呆了两年之后，我终于获得了假释，被释放并转移到了另一个州。至少三个月前，我被允许立即假释，但他们花了很长时间才“找到”文件。要不是一个受托犯人给了我一个假释委员会办公室的特殊电话号码，这个号码不是“公开的”，我让我的家人在几个月的时间里给那里打了50多次电话，他们就不会让我假释或找到那分文件。
在监狱里，我意识到了自己的弱点，也意识到了自己的渺小
我的内心慢慢死去，我不怎么想女孩子了。我还是个小孩子，我在八年级的时候只交过一个女朋友，在那之后我不得不辍学。

When I was in prison I longed to just touch a girl's hand, just to have someone love me as friend. I yearned for a companion, I was so lonely.
Words could never express.
My heart felt like it was literally dying.
I also missed listening to music so much, I loved music a lot.
I don't feel things anymore as much, I tried to feel love and compassion, but my heart has died slowly. I still do love people, I have tried to keep that alive,
I really try my best. And I love to give people gifts with the money I have now.

当我在监狱里的时候，我渴望能握住一个女孩的手，只希望有人像朋友一样爱我。我渴望有一个伴侣，我是如此的孤独。
言语无法表达（那种心情）。
我的心感觉真的要死了。
我也很想听音乐，我非常喜欢音乐。
我不再有那么多感觉了，我试着去感受爱和同情，但我的心已经慢慢地死了。我仍然爱别人，我一直努力保持这种爱。
我真的尽力了，我喜欢用我现在的钱给别人送礼物。

Things don't mean as much at all to me anymore.
I am somewhat of a stronger guy now, I fear nothing.
I also lift weights and exercise everyday, that is one thing I will always do.
I am still trying to find what I am going to do with my life and career.
If I had to go through those two years again, I don't believe I could do it all over again.

事情对我来说不再那么重要了。
我现在更坚强了，我什么都不怕。
我也每天举重和锻炼，这是我一直做的一件事。
我仍在努力寻找我的生活和事业。
如果我必须再经历那两年，我不相信我能再来一次。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Bryan Hubbard
As a senior surgery resident on a trauma rotation I had to tell a young mother that her 6 year old son had died as a result of a gunshot wound to the abdomen. It was a week before Christmas and in the middle of the day when this innocent little boy was playing in his front yard. He was surrounded by several family members when a driveby shooter meaning to target his gang-banger uncle sprayed wildly with a 9mm weapon and the only person hit was the little boy. He was rushed to our emergency room where he was awake and alx and surprisingly calm, but pale and in shock. He had a single gunshot wound to the upper middle abdomen and blood in his chest on his first chest x-ray. After placing a chest tube and draining the hemothorax, we rushed him to surgery to explore his little abdomen. The last thing he said to me as we rolled him into the OR was simply "It hurts"; he never cried.
During surgery we found that the bullet had lacerated his portal vein, a large vein that carries up to 50% of the blood flow from the liver. We were able to repair it but as we did, his heart stopped. Frantically, I opened his chest, cutting through his young flexible sternum with a pair of heavy scissors. We couldn't find any more sources of bleeding and continued to try to resuscitate him for an hour; he didn't respond.

作为一名创伤值轮班的高级外科住院医生，我不得不告诉一位年轻的母亲，她6岁的儿子死于腹部枪伤。那是圣诞节前的一个星期，在中午，这个无辜的小男孩在他的前院里玩耍。他被几名家庭成员包围，当时一名驾车路过的枪手用9毫米武器疯狂扫射，目标是他的黑帮叔叔，唯一被击中的人是小男孩。他被紧急送往我们的急诊室，在那里他醒着，警觉，出奇地平静，但脸色苍白，受到了惊吓。他的上腹部有一处枪伤第一次拍胸片时发现他胸部有血。在插入胸管并抽干胸腔积血后，我们赶紧送他去做手术，探查他的小腹部。当我们把他推进手术室时，他对我说的最后一句话只是“好疼”，但是他从没哭。
手术中我们发现子弹撕裂了他的门静脉，这条大静脉承载着肝脏50%的血液。我们能够修复它，但就在我们修复的时候，他的心脏停止了跳动。我打开了他的胸膛，用一把笨重的剪刀剪断了他年轻灵活的胸骨。我们没有找到更多的出血来源，继续试图抢救了他一个小时，他没有给出良好回应。

His mother had been called while we were in the OR and was waiting anxiously for us to come out. She was at work when she was called and still had on her work uniform as she stood, wringing her hands, waiting for me to tell her what had happened. At the time, my son was a few years younger than hers and I had to sit and tell this young mother that though I got her son to the OR, his injuries proved to be greater than his little body could handle, wondering what it would be like for me to receive similar news. She looked at me, not believing me as I told her he had died. Usually I am able to tamp my emotions and remain obxtive and professional as I give bad news to families. This time, I could not control my emotions and I cried as I told her. As if that wasn't hard enough, we accompanied her into the recovery room to let her view her son as he lay motionless on a gurney. I thought my heart would literally break as I watched her embrace him and rock him and beg him to "Wake up, please wake up".
As a trauma and critical care surgeon I have since had many other patients die in my care and have had to talk to countless families afterwards, but it has never been as difficult as that day I had to tell a young mother that her beautiful innocent little boy was dead and I coudn't save him; it will haunt me forever.

我们在手术室的时候，他妈妈被叫来了，焦急地等着我们出来。当她接到电话时，她正在上班，因此她仍然穿着工作服，拧着手，等着我告诉她发生了什么事。我的儿子比她的小孩小几岁，我不得不坐下来告诉这位年轻的母亲，尽管我把她的儿子送到了手术室，但事实证明，他的伤势比他小小的身体所能承受的还要严重，我想知道如果我收到类似的消息会是什么样子她看着我，不相信我告诉她的消息：他已经死了。通常，当我告诉家人坏消息时，我能够抑制自己的情绪，保持客观和专业。这一次，我无法控制自己的情绪，我是哭着告诉她的。似乎这还不够冷酷，我们陪她走进康复室，让她看看她的儿子，他一动不动地躺在轮床上。当我看到她抱着他，摇着他，求他“醒醒吧，请醒醒”时，我想我的心都要碎了。
作为一名创伤和重症监护外科医生，从那以后，我有很多病人在我的护理下死亡，事后我不得不与无数的家庭交谈，但从来没有像那天那样冷酷：我不得不告诉一位年轻的母亲，她美丽无辜的小男孩死了，我无法救他，它将永远困扰着我。