你在飞机上听到过的最疯狂的东西是什么？
What’s the craziest thing you’ve overheard on a plane?
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其实我没坐过几趟飞机
正文翻译
What’s the craziest thing you’ve overheard on a plane?
你在飞机上听到过的最疯狂的东西是什么？
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Not that “crazy” as such but when literally about to touch down, a lady got up and started walking urgently towards the bathroom.
虽然不算很“疯狂”，但是在即将着陆的时候，一位女士忽然站起身来，非常急迫地冲向洗手间。
机组人员立刻开始说，“女士！我们马上就要着陆了呃！您必须坐下来！”
女士的回应是在恐惧中大喊：“我要拉自己一身了！！！”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
他们让她去了。
I was on a flight once that was almost nothing but turbulence; I think we were flying through weather. I am already incredibly susceptible to motion sickness so I was curled up in the window seat of the last row with the barf bag in front of my face with a lady in the aisle seat glancing at me nervously every few minutes. I hear the announcement that we are starting our descent and I am like, "omg thank god, I think I can make it without barfing." Literally, the wheels touch the tarmac and I lose it, it's barf time. A flight attendant comes up to me shortly after and is like, "Well, at least you made it all in the bag!"
有一次我坐的飞机从头颠簸到尾；我觉得当时应该是在恶劣天气中飞行。我本来就特别容易晕机，所以我在最后一排靠窗的座位上缩成了一团，晕机袋就放在我面前，坐在过道座位的那位女士每过几分钟就要紧张地瞥我一眼。我听见广播说我们正要开始下降的时候，心想，“我的妈呀谢天谢地，我觉得我应该可以用不着吐出来。”但是就在起落架碰到跑到的同时，我没绷住，吐出来了。一名乘务员很快跑了过来，跟我说，“还好吧，至少你都吐进袋子里了！”
I sat in front of a kid (12-13) and his older sister, who I assume was his guardian. It was a cross-country flight, and the kid was casually talking about how he had never flown before and he is looking forward to it. He seemed likely on the spectrum a bit. It is pretty wholesome so far. Then the plane starts to move and he instantly freaks all the way out, screaming, "WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!! Let me off this plane, it's a fucking coffin, you're all going to die. It's going to be a fucking fireball." Etc.
我坐在一个孩子和他姐姐前面，姐姐可能是他的监护人。这是一趟从美国一头飞到另一头的航班，孩子本来在很放松地说他从来没坐过飞机，他很期待坐飞机是什么样子的。感觉他可能有点不会社交。但是目前为止还算不错。然后飞机开始动起来了，他立刻就吓坏了，开始大喊，“我们都他妈要死啦！！！放我从飞机上下去，这他妈是个棺材，你们全都要死了。这飞机要他妈变成一个大火球。”
女乘务员过来想要让他冷静下来。他姐姐在用英语和西班牙语和他说话，想让他放松下来，告诉他他现在让自己很尴尬，要是再这样的话她就不带他去波多黎各了什么的。坐我前面的哥们转过身来，大声问孩子吃不吃抗焦虑药。最后，故事的英雄，一个膀大腰圆的南方黑人女士说，“宝贝你还是得冷静一点好吗因为你让我们大伙都有点紧张，行不行？”
最终，不知道是因为什么原因，这孩子放松了，又开始说飞行有多酷。就像个开关一样，他开始望向窗外，说“哇！景色太酷了！我现在觉得很安全了，一切都还不错。”我能听见大伙都舒心地散了口气。
他姐姐又要带他去哪儿呢？去宇航员夏令营。此后每次我坐飞机我都会想起他来。
Where was his sister flying him to? Astronaut camp. I think about him every time I fly.
引用：“他姐姐又要带他去哪儿呢？去宇航员夏令营。此后每次我坐飞机我都会想起他来。”
25年后：那个年轻人真的完成了自己的梦想，成为了一名宇航员。他穿戴整齐，马上就要执行第一次载人登陆火星的任务。全国上下都紧张地关注着这场直播，倒数计时到了1.随着点火起飞的命令响起，我们听到了：
“我们全都他妈要死啦！！快把我从这个飞船上放下去，这他妈就是个棺材，你们全都他妈要死了。这玩意儿会他妈变成一个大火球！！！”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
That’s because older black ladies know how to make anyone feel better. My day is always better if an older black lady calls me honey or sugar.
那是因为黑人大妈们确实知道该怎么让别人感觉好一些。如果有个黑人大妈叫我宝贝儿或者甜心，我总是觉得会舒坦很多。
I completely agree. When I was in the hospital, I was terrified to go under for my surgery.
我完全赞同。我住院的时候，因为马上要去做手术而特别害怕。
我的护士是一个南方口音非常重的黑人大妈。她跟我说，“哎呀宝贝儿你肯定没事，我跟你保证你什么事都不会有。”
我马上就相信她了。她的话语中有种安慰人心、让人舒适的力量，哈哈。而且她确实说到做到了！
I overheard a passenger passionately arguing with their seatmate about the correct way to eat a slice of pizza with chopsticks.
我曾经听到一个乘客非常热情地和坐在旁边的人争论如何正确地用筷子吃披萨。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
What is the correct way?
正确的方式是怎么吃？
You don't
别这么吃
A guy coming home early to bust a cheating wife. He was on the phone with a friend/family who told him the other guy was at his house abd they didn't expect him back until the next week.
有个男的很早回家，想要戳穿自己出轨的老婆。他正在和亲友打电话，对面告诉他那个男的还在他家呢，他们两个以为他下周才回来。
Happened to me. I got rebooked on an earlier flight and came home about 5 hours earlier than expected. Wasn’t my wife yet, just my fiancée.
我自己就碰见过。我订了一个早些的航班，比预计到家早了五个小时。当时她还不是我老婆，只是我未婚妻。
对我来说反倒是最好的结局。我们两个都知道没什么好后果。于是她嫁给了那个男的，那个男的对她非常不好。结果他有非常严重的心理问题，但是自己藏得很好。她花了好几年的时间才成功离婚，并且把账算明白，因为他拖了很久很久。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Confucius say if Man steals your woman, best revenge is to let him keep her.
孔子曾经说过，如果有男的抢了你的女人，最好的复仇就是让他跟她接着过。
I was sat next to a teenage boy and his dad. The kid was telling his dad how much he loved the song “sexual healing” by Marvin Gaye, when the kid was finally done talking the dad just looked at him and said “you’re a virgin”
我就坐在一个男孩和他父亲旁边，孩子跟他父亲说他特别喜欢Marvin Gaye唱的“Sexual Healing（性疗愈）”这首歌。等孩子终于说完了，爸爸看了他一眼，跟他说，“你还是个处男。”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
A 5 year old boy once said "Dad, can you ask them to pull over so I can go to the toilet?". Haha
一个五岁的小男孩曾经说过，“爸，你能让他们停车我好去上趟厕所吗？”哈哈。
Not something I overheard, but something semi-interesting nonetheless. I once went and got sushi with my mom and I noticed a guy and a girl at another table very clearly on their first date. They were both dressed very nice, lot of awkward laughter, the guy was being ultra gentlemanly like pulling her chair out for her. You know, just the usual stuff that tips an observer off that they were still very much getting to know each other and wanting to make a good impression.
不是什么我偷听到的，但是还算是挺有意思的事。有一次我和我妈妈出门吃寿司，我看见另一张桌子上有一对男女很明显是头一次约会。他们两个都穿的很好看，尴尬地笑了好几次，男生特别特别绅士，比如给她拽椅子什么的。你知道的，就是那种旁观者一眼就能看出来他们还在彼此了解，希望给对方留下一个好印象的细节。
快进到两年半之后。我正在和哥哥登上一趟从亚特兰大飞往科罗拉多的航班，我看见那一对情侣就坐在飞机后面。我就坐在他们前面那排，于是在我把包裹放到行李架上去的时候，我转过身跟他们说，“我要说的话会非常怪，但是你们是不是第一次约会是在那个（某家寿司餐厅）？”他们两个都瞪大了眼睛，笑着跟我说他们确实是在那里第一次约会。我跟他们说那天晚上我也在那里吃饭，碰巧在登机之后认出了他们。过程很友善，我们聊了几句，他们也要在我们去的那个地方滑雪，所以挺好的。
我们旅途的第二天，我和我哥哥打算去山顶滑几条更高级的滑道。那边或许有十几个人，我们在上路之前，决定先看一眼地图，保证我们可以滑到索道能接我们的地方，不用背着装备走两英里。大概离我们20英尺远的地方，一个男的单膝跪地，向他女朋友求婚，女朋友跳着说“我愿意！”周围的所有人都在鼓掌。他们摘掉了头盔和眼镜亲嘴，然后我发现还是那一对恋人！！所以他们第一次约会的时候我在场，碰巧又在飞机上遇见了他们，因为我正好坐在他们前面，而他求婚的时候我又在场。我打赌他们现在仍然是一对夫妻，因为照这样发展下去，如果他们中的一个打算去办离婚了，我估计也会撞见他们的。
You'll probably coincidentally be at the hospital at the same time the wife arrives to have their first child
等妻子生第一个孩子的时候你可能也会碰巧在同一家医院的。
I was flying to Seattle from Atlanta and there was a baby crying for the majority of the flight. The parents were doing their best and it really was not their fault, just a shitty situation. About halfway to Seattle, the man seated in front of the baby snapped and started screaming at the baby and his parents, cursing at them saying how they’re awful parents and he’s gonna beat them all (including the baby) to a pulp when they land. A flight attendant tried to ask the guy to calm down and he said he would also beat her up. The pilot had to come on and tell everyone to calm down or else we had to make an early landing. We made it to Seattle and the guy ended up having to be tackled by 4 cops at the gate because he was trying to run away after being approached by them.
我在从西雅图飞往亚特兰大，有个婴儿一整趟飞机都在哭。家长在尽全力哄孩子，并且真的不是家长的错，只不过是碰巧倒霉。大约飞到一半的时候，坐在孩子前面的那个男人急眼了，开始对孩子和他的家长大喊大叫，骂他们，说他们是糟糕的家长，等到落地了他要把他们所有人（包括那个孩子）打成浆糊。乘务员试着过来叫那个男人冷静下来，他说他也要把她给一起打了。飞行员只能走过来让所有人冷静下来，不然我们只能提前降落了。我们飞到了西雅图，最后那个男的被四个警察制服了，因为在警察接近他的时候他想逃。
I was on a flight that had a similar thing happen. Some business dude snapped, stood up, and yelled at the parents to shut the kid up. You could immediately feel the vibe of 20+ people being pissed off at the business dude. A big biker dude stood up behind him and calmly explained how the babies can't equalize the pressure in their ears like adults can and are in pain the entire time. After explaining it, he told him to STFU and sit down... and he did - lol
我有一次坐飞机也遇见了类似的情况。有个商务哥们也急眼了，站起来，对家长说让孩子闭嘴。你能立刻感觉到二十多个人被这个商务哥们惹生气了。于是一个人高马大的骑单车哥们从他背后站起来，很冷静地跟他解释说孩子是不能像大人一样平衡耳压的，所以孩子坐飞机会很痛苦。在解释完之后，他告诉那个男的把嘴闭上然后坐下……他就照办了。哈哈。
Everyone is boarded and the plane is in the middle of the taxi when a kid about 10 seats up and on the left side (I was on right side) starts crying and screaming at the top of his lungs "I NEED TO POOP" and "I'M GOING TO POOP" over and over again until the seatbelt signs came off. I've never seen so many worried faces and the look of panic as the mother picked up the kid and bolted to the toilet.
所有人都已经登机了，并且飞机正在滑行的时候，一个坐在我前面十排靠左（我靠右）的孩子忽然哭了起来，开始铆足了劲大喊“我得拉屎”“我要拉出来了”，一遍一遍地喊，直到系好安全带指示灯灭掉。我从没见过像当时的机舱里那么多担忧的脸，以及妈妈带着孩子向厕所冲刺的时候那惊恐的神情。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Not so much what he said, but I sat next to this fully grown man that was playing plants vs zombies the whole 3 hour flight with incredible enthusiasm. Everytime a plant got eaten or he killed a difficult zombie he'd jump in his seat, pump his fist and aggressively whisper yeerrsss, YEERRSSS, gert em yessss....
虽然不算是说过的话，但是我坐在一个成年人旁边，他整趟航班的三个小时里都一直在玩植物大战僵尸，而且玩得特别投入。每次有个植物被吃了或者他杀了一个难杀的僵尸，他都会在座椅上晃荡一下，握紧拳头，非常用力地小声说牛逼，牛逼，干死他牛逼……
To be fair that game rocks. And so do drugs apparently
说实话这个游戏确实好玩。就像毒品一样。
Yeah I wasn't mad about it, guy looked like he was having the time of his life
没错我其实一点也不生气，那兄弟看起来好像这辈子都没那么开心过。
This brings me back to when I spent hours on a hotel toilet playing that game. I thought I was going to have to have my legs amputated when I came to.
这让我想起自己在酒店厕所里花好几个小时玩那个游戏的时光了。从厕所里出来的时候我以为自己的腿要截肢了。
Two mormon missionaries trying to convert the sweet, naive man sitting between them the entire flight.
两个摩门派的传教士全程都在试着把夹在他们中间的那个善良又天真的男人拉入教派。
I once tried to be nice to two missionaries that showed up to my house. I sat outside and talked to them asking questions for about an hour because I thought people would likely be rude to them. I wanted to be nice.
我曾经试过对找上我家门的两个传教士好一些，我站在外面和他们聊天，问他们问题，聊了差不多一个小时，因为我以为人们一般都会对他们很不友好，但是我想对他们好一些。
于是他们开始一遍又一遍地往我住的地方派人，根本不肯放过我。
我开始理解为什么人们会直接说“不用了谢谢”然后当面关上门了。
I used to live opposite a rabbi and one time JWs showed up to ‘talk about the bible’. I directed them to his house saying he would be glad to discuss it. When I caught up with him he was laughing about how ‘they wanted to leave after the first hour but I got them to stay for three’.
我以前对门邻居是个拉比，有一次耶和华见证会的人过来说要“跟我聊聊圣经”，我就把他们指到了拉比家，说他会很乐意跟你聊聊。之后我又遇见那个拉比的时候，他笑着跟我说“他们头一个小时就想走了，但是我留他们唠了三个小时。”
“I’ve told you many times Brenda, I am not shaving my balls! It’s my balls and I’m a man!”
“我已经跟你说了很多次了Brenda，我是不会把蛋上的毛给剃了的！那是我的蛋，我是个男人！”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Some guy told his partner that she didn't need more yarn and every woman in earshot promptly told him how wrong he was.
有个男的跟老婆说她没有必要再买更多的毛线了，听得见这句话的所有女人都转过来跟他说他错到姥姥家了。
I was flying solo into Orlando. The woman next to me was so excited about her new boyfriends boat and was going on and fucking on about how excited she was for this trip.
我一个人坐飞机去奥兰多。坐我旁边的女人马上就要坐上她男朋友的游艇了，于是特别兴奋，没完没了地跟我说她有多期待这趟旅行。
我点点头，然后戴上了耳机，大概过了一分钟，她扥住耳机线把我的耳机从耳朵眼里拔了出来，好接着跟我叭叭她男朋友的船……
我问她是不是他妈的把脑子落在安检了。
I was sitting next to a father with his small child. The child wouldn't stop hopping around, until the father said "sit still and be a good boy or the plane will crash because of you and we will end up dying." Never seen a kid so quiet before.
我坐在一对父子旁边。小孩子总是到处蹦来蹦去的，于是爸爸对他说，“坐稳了，当个乖宝宝，要不然飞机就要因为你坠毁了，我们就只能死了。”这辈子没见过孩子那么安静。
I was sitting next to a dad and his daughter who was about 5. He was super cool and was chatting away while his daughter started talking to me. She was so sweet and bubbly. And gave wayyy to much information to me. She said something along the lines of " I went to my grandma and grandpas house and they're married, I wish my dad would marry my mom but they can't talk to each other but I always wish they were married like my grandma and grandpa." Her dad would have been horrified. And I was just sad.
我坐在一对父女旁边，女儿大概五岁。父亲很有意思，在和旁边的人聊天，女儿开始和我聊天。她特别可爱，而且什么话都跟我说。她说“我去过爷爷奶奶家，爷爷和奶奶结婚了，我希望我爸爸和我妈妈也能结婚，但是他们不能说话，但我还是希望他们能像我爷爷和我奶奶一样结婚。”她爸爸要是听见可能都吓傻了。但我只觉得难过。
My son did something similar. "Me and Dad are (their last name) and mum is a (my last name), Mum doesn't have a penis."
我儿子也说过类似的。“我和爸爸是（自己的姓），但妈妈是（我的姓），而且妈妈没有小鸡鸡。”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
谢谢啊宝贝！
When my oldest son was 5 or 6 years old, he told me about his crush on this sweet little girl, K. We talked about K for a bit and I asked him why he liked her. "Because she doesn't have a penis." I love kids' brutal honesty.
我大儿子五六岁的时候，他跟我说他对一个可爱的小姑娘K一见钟情。我们聊了两句K，我问他为什么喜欢她。“因为她没有小鸡鸡。”我太喜欢孩子的诚实了。
LOL When I was a kid, around 5 or 6, I was in the grocery store with my mom when she farted in an aisle. As she hurried away from the green gas cloud another lady walked through it and gagged, I yelled over "sorry lady, mommy farted." God, I thought my mother was gonna die from the embarrassment. LOL
哈哈哈我还小的时候，大概五六岁，和我妈妈去逛超市，我妈妈在过道里放了个屁。她赶紧离开那片绿色毒气云之后，另一位女士走了过来，差点抽了。我于是大声喊了一句，“对不起阿姨，我妈妈放屁啦。”天哪，我觉得我妈妈要直接尴尬死了。哈哈哈哈。
One of our kids kindergarten teachers told the assembled parents on a "parent teacher night" that "You have no family secrets from us." in I'm joking but I'm not way.
我家孩子的一个幼儿园老师，在家长会上跟家长们以半开玩笑的预期跟我们说，“你们在我们这里没有家庭秘密。”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I am a kindergarten teacher. I know many things about families I never wanted to know and wish I could forget. Random things. Sitting across the table from a parent at conferences knowing they have “lots of moles on their back” (came up in class when we were reading about the animal mole), or were having digestive problems because “my dad’s belly hurts so he’s been pooping a lot,” or that your front right tooth is fake, all kinds of things. Usually harmless, but they divulge a lot of personal goings on in the home bc they love to share, even the quiet ones.
我自己就是一名幼教。我知道很多压根不想知道，并且想要忘记的家庭秘密。什么都有。开家长会的时候看着桌子对面的这位家长，心里知道他“后背上长了很多痣”（在上课读到鼹鼠这种动物的时候孩子说的），或者那位家长有消化问题，因为“我爸爸的肚子疼，所以他总是拉屎”，或者你右边的门牙是假的，各种各样的。通常都没什么坏处，但是孩子们总是会把话题岔到自己家的那点私事上，因为他们都很乐意分享，就算是那些蔫不登的孩子们。
还有，只要有一个孩子开始说自己家的事，别的所有孩子就都会大受鼓舞，开始把自己家的事搬出来。根本没有谁是安全的。
Nothing too crazy. A couple in their 50's who were all over each other (like tongues in ears, hands in pants etc). They were busy working out the logistics of their next getaway. They were both cheating on their partners and laughing at how gullible their SO's were believing another "business trip" would come up so soon.
也不算太疯狂。一对五十多岁的夫妇抱在一起啃（舌头伸进耳朵，手伸进裤裆之类的）。他们在忙着商讨下一次私奔该怎么计划。他们都在背叛自己的另一半，还在笑话自己的老伴怎么就那么容易相信马上就又要“出差”一趟了。
Partners were probably thinking thank fuck they are going away again and then proceeded to invite their other lovers around
可能他们的老伴也在想操他妈的可算走了然后开始邀请自己的情人过来爽。
“We aren’t cleared to taxi at the moment. We should be taking off within an hour.”
“我们现在还不能开始滑行。我们一小时之后应该就能起飞了。”
My husband once fell asleep when we got on the plane as we were taxiing for take off. He woke up 2 hours later thinking we’d just landed, nope still taxiing.
我们有一次上飞机之后正在滑行等待起飞的时候我老公睡着了。他两个小时之后醒过来，以为我们已经落地了。没，还在滑行。
Lol it happened to me flying out of Miami. The lady next to me fell asleep, we were stuck there for almost two hours, so when she woke up she thought we had already landed :D
哈哈哈我从迈阿密起飞的时候也遇到过。我旁边的那位女士睡着了，我们在机场困了将近两个小时，于是她醒来的时候以为我们已经落地了哈哈哈。
Before takeoff, after the doors were closed, a kid of about 6/7 yrs old towards the front of the plane stood up on his seat, faced the rest of the plane and yelled “we’re all gonna dieee” while his parents tried to pull him back down.
在起飞之前，所有舱门都关好之后，一个坐在飞机前方的孩子站了起来，转过身面向后面的乘客们，大喊“我们都要死啦——！”，他的父母拼命把他往回拽。
Ohh. I got this one...
哦。我可以讲……
乘客W在拼命把自己的行李塞进头顶的行李架，坐在我旁边的乘客E开始不高兴了。因为W的随身行李很明显塞不进去。
E跟他说小心点，因为他自己的行李也在上面。空乘走过来说乘客W得看看包裹放没放好。W变得非常生气，但还是塞进去了。
然后W对空乘说，“不好意思，我只是没吃药。飞机上这么多裹尸袋我会很紧张。你知道我的行李里也有人体部位的。”
然后乘客E转过身来跟我说，“你听见没有？我的行李里只放了个笔记本啊！”
When i was 16 i was taking a flight from Oslo to Stockholm, around 45 minutes. Before lift off, the guy in front of me( around 30 years old) broke up with his gf who sat next to me……. They yelled so much and loudly during that flight I had the worst head ache when we landed. Why not just wait 45 minutes?
16岁那年我坐飞机从奥斯陆到斯德哥尔摩，大概45分钟。起飞之前，坐在我前面的男的（大概三十岁）和坐在我旁边的他女朋友分手了……他们一直在大嗓门吵，我落地的时候这辈子头都没那么痛过。为什么就不能等个四十五分钟呢？
Way too late for anyone to see this and it wasn't so much overheard as said to me:
太晚了不知道有没有人能看见，并且也不算是偷听的因为是直接跟我说的：
我一个人坐飞机，有个小女孩（大概五岁吧）沿着过道走过来，跟我说你好。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
我问她她的爸爸妈妈在哪，她说他们死了，是警察带着她一起飞，带她去找她的姑姑。我当时脑子已经想不出别的回应了，只能说“呃……抱歉”。然后她问我能不能坐在我的座位上看窗外，我就给她让了座，然后开始到处找那个可能跟她一起坐飞机的警察。
然后她跟我说她的爸爸妈妈是上星期开完派对开车回来的时候，被一辆卡车撞到树上了。跟我说的时候她还在安静地掉眼泪。忽然我听见过道上传来一句“噢你在这儿呢”。有个女人站在那里。
小姑娘说了声“妈妈好”，然后就跟她走了。