When you come from an Asian family, there are usually strict cultural norms to live up to. On the occasions you don’t, chances are you probably disappoint your Asian parents.

当你来自亚洲家庭时，通常需要遵守严格的文化规范。有时你不这样做，你很可能会让你的亚洲父母感到失望。

Different Asian parents have different expectations of their children. But the benchmark tends to be high in Asian households.

亚洲父母和一般的父母对孩子有着不同的期望，但亚洲家庭的标准往往较高。

Growing up Asian in Australia, my migrant Chinese parents were strict with a traditional Chinese mindset. They wanted me to be top of the class, work a high paying job and be a smiling demure Chinese girl well-liked for her polite mannerisms. For most part I never lived up to these expectations, much to their disappointment.

我是在澳大利亚长大的亚裔，我的父母是从中国移民到澳大利亚的，他们有着严格的中国传统思维。他们希望我成为班上的尖子生，从事一份高薪的工作，做一个端庄和只能微笑的中国女孩，并因为她的礼貌举止而广受欢迎。但在大多数情况下，我从未达到他们的期望，这让他们感到非常失望。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


The Cambridge Dictionary describes disappointment as ‘the unhappiness or discouragement that results when (hopes) or expectations have not been satisfied, or someone or something that is not as good as you had hoped or expected’. That is, when you disappoint someone, that someone disagrees with your behaviour. In turn you probably feel guilty and you’re not enough for that someone. It’s a feeling that lingers.

《剑桥词典》将失望描述为“当(希望)或期望没有得到满足，或者某人或某事不如你所希望或期望的那么好时，所产生的不快或沮丧”。也就是说，当你让某人失望时，某人会否定你。反过来，你可能会感到内疚，觉得自己不配成为那个人的亲人。这是一种挥之不去的感觉。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


Strict authoritarian (and authoritative) Asian upbringing has been discussed a fair bit – from Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother discussing endless piano practice sessions after school to studies showing Asian parents holding high regard for educational attainment. There has also been recent research exploring the possibility of diminishing obedience by young adults of Asian background towards authoritarian Asian parents.

从蔡美儿在回忆录《虎妈战歌》中讨论放学后无休止的练习钢琴，到研究表明亚洲父母高度重视教育和成就，严格的专制(和权威)的亚洲教育方式已经被讨论了很多。最近也有研究探讨了亚洲背景的年轻人对专制的亚洲父母的服从程度下降的可能性。

Often the pressure to be obedient when you’re Chinese stems from familial values and cultural conditioning. Filial piety, essentially respecting and caring for your elders, is a virtue silently expected to be upheld in Chinese families. So is ‘saving face’, whereby you do not diminish your family’s reputation around others and instead maintain pride by keeping up traditions.

作为中国人，服从的压力往往来自家庭价值观和文化内涵。孝顺，本质上是尊重和照顾你的长辈，是一种在中国家庭中被默默地传承的美德。“要面子”也是如此，即你不能因为你的行为而让你的家庭声誉受损，而是通过遵循传统来保持家庭自豪感。

I felt this pressure to be the perfect Asian kid throughout my life, conflicted between living up to expectations of being Chinese and my own personal values.

在我的一生中，我感到了成为一个完美的亚洲孩子的压力，达到中国父母的期望和遵从我自己的个人价值观之间产生了矛盾。

And so here are some occasions where I’ve disobeyed and disappointed my Chinese parents.

以下是我不服从父母的一些行为，这让我的中国父母感到失望了。

1. Not becoming a doctor, lawyer or accountant

1. 没有成为医生、律师或会计

In line with the concept of saving face and responsible family ideals in Confucian Asian societies, it’s a marker of success in Chinese culture to have a steady job and provide for yourself with ease. It’s Asian parent pride to raise you to be self-sufficient, especially if they were immigrants who started life over in a country with barely anything.

与亚洲儒家社会的面子观念和勇于承担责任的家庭价值观相一致，在中国文化中，有一份稳定的工作，能轻松养活自己是成功的标志。把孩子培养成自给自足的人是亚洲父母的骄傲，尤其是如果当他们是移民，在一个新的国家白手起家的时候。

I love writing and English was my favourite subject at school. When I got my O’Level results, the equivalent of middle high school, my heart sank as I saw the ‘B’ for English.

我喜欢写作，英语是我在学校最喜欢的科目。当我看到英语得到了一个非常一般的“B”的时候，我很失落。

‘That doesn’t matter!’ my dad exclaimed excitedly, peering at my results over my shoulder. ‘What matters is you got A+ for maths and physics!’

“没关系!”爸爸在我的背后看到我的成绩单，兴奋地喊道。“重要的是你的数学和物理得到了A+ !””

That didn’t deter me from completing an arts degree. After university I became a freelance writer supporting myself with varying income, enough to get by. However my Chinese parents constantly let it be known, ‘See, you studied arts. Now can’t get good job!’

这并没有阻止我拿到艺术类的学位。大学毕业后，我成了一名自由撰稿人，靠不稳定的收入维持自己的生活。而这时我的中国父母就会向我强调，‘看，你学的是艺术，所以现在找不到好工作了!”

Part of me felt guilty: maybe I really should be setting myself up for the future. But who’s to say you have to follow the straight and narrow. The sense of competitive urgency that comes from a typical Chinese mindset can certainly motivate you to move forwards. But this stress can be suffocating when you are learning, growing and finding your way at your own pace.

我有点内疚:也许我真的应该为自己的未来做好准备。但为什么你必须要循规蹈矩呢？来自典型中国人的竞争心态和学习紧迫感当然可以激励你前进，但是当你在按照既定的节奏学习、成长并找到自己的道路的过程中，这种压力可能会令人窒息。

2. Not being a girly girl

2. 不像个乖乖女

Traditionally embodying femininity and appearing attractive to the heterosexual male gaze is expected of Chinese women. There’s the pressure to be submissive and docile to uphold patriarchal and nuclear family standards. When you don’t blend in this way as a Chinese woman, you tend to be seen as difficult and lose face.

传统上，中国女性应该体现女性气质，并能吸引异性的目光。为了维护父权和家庭的标准，人们必须要顺从和温顺。作为一个中国女人，如果你不这样做，你就会被认为很难相处，而且让父母很没面子。

‘Don’t sit with your legs open!’ my mum yelled each time I read a book on the couch after work, lounging with my legs apart. ‘You’re a girl! Sit properly!’ I refused to wear dresses and skirts, and according to them I looked ‘so ugly in blue jeans’ attending big Chinese wedding banquets where everyone dressed up.

“坐着的时候不要张开腿!”每每当我下班后，叉开双腿躺在沙发上看书，我妈妈就会对我大吼。“你是个女孩，坐姿要端正!“我不喜欢穿连衣裙和裙子，在他们看来，每个人都盛装出席盛大的中国婚宴，而我却穿着蓝色的牛仔裤，看起来“太丑了”。

On these occasions I felt like a rebeI, never cared much for conventional gender norms or looking a certain way. While there’s always time and place to shrug on manners and keep the peace, there’s also owning your power to carve your own person free from expectations and be who you feel. You could be anyone from anywhere and be whoever you want, look however you want and speak your truth to make an impact.

在这些场合，我觉得自己就像一个叛逆者，从不太在意传统的性别规范或某些特定的行为方式。虽然有时你确实应该文静有礼，但你也应该经常有意识地把自己从别人的期望中解放出来，做你自己。你可以在任何地方成为任何你想成为的人，说出你的真实想法并对别人产生影响。

3. Walking in front of my parents

3、走在父母的前面

As a child, my parents insisted on holding my hand everywhere we went, be it to a new town miles away or to the nearby store for mundane weekly grocery trips. Being a curious kid who liked discovering things on my own, I’d often rip my hand free and eagerly skip ahead to the unknown.

小时候，无论我们去哪里，无论是去几英里外的新城镇，还是每周去附近的商店买东西，父母都坚持要牵着我的手。作为一个对世界充满好奇的孩子，我喜欢自己去发现新事物，我经常会挣脱他们的手，急切地跳到一个未知的地方。

‘Come back here! Mabel, come!’ my dad would shout immediately without a beat. ‘Don’t let go of my hand!’ This happened until I was about 14 or 15 in front of my classmates who took the public bus home from school. Seniority is deemed as superior in Chinese culture: normalisation of the masculine patriarchal protector in front with eagled-eyed view, deserving of calling the shots.

“快回来，梅布尔!”我爸爸会毫不犹豫地立刻喊道。“别放开我的手!”“这种情况一直持续到我十四五岁的时候，而我的同学们都是从学校自己坐公交车回家。在中国文化中，资历被认为是一种优势：男性的家长目光敏锐，他们应该站在前面发号施令，并保护后辈。

In these moments of pulling my hand away and shouting ringing in my ears, I went from feeling like a daredevil to small fry in a flash. Certainly the world is dangerous with situations and people you should avoid. But too much of staying sheltered and following the leader, you only know what you’re told to do.

当我把手抽离，耳边回响着父母的喊声的时候，我瞬间从一个小可爱变成了一个小淘气。当然，世界是危险的，你确实应该避免去某些地方和某些人打交道，但长时间躲在隐秘的地方接受别人的庇护，听从别人的命令同样不是解决的办法。

4. Not greeting my parents

4. 不跟父母打招呼

When I was younger, the moment my parents came home and walked through the door, they expected me to greet them right away.

当我还小的时候，每当我父母回家走进家门的那一刻，他们希望我会马上迎接他们。

‘Mabel! Where are you? Come out right now!’ dad would exclaim before the door slammed shut. It didn’t matter if I was reading in my room or taking a dump in the bathroom. Not being right there at the door to welcome them home was already suspicious or a failure, reminiscent of a servant getting into trouble and punished by the Emperor in a Chinese imperial drama. This happened so often that I simply got used to it.

“梅布尔，你在哪呢?快过来!“爸爸在门砰地关上之前喊道，不管我是在房间里看书还是在上厕所。没有在门口迎接他们回家被认为是非常可疑的，让人想起在一部中国帝王剧中一个仆人惹上了麻烦，然后被皇帝惩罚了。这种情况经常发生，我已经习惯了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


A lack of respect for your personal space, privacy and boundaries is common in a stereotypical Chinese household. At times seniority desires control and ownership of everything within the household and so nothing really is yours, in line with the natures of patriarchy and collectivism. Arguably it can come across as impolite to ignore someone when you see them. But some need their space and not be bound by rules to feel a sense of inner peace.

缺乏对个人空间和个人隐私的尊重在一个典型的中国家庭中是很常见的。有时候，年长者希望控制和拥有家里的一切，所以没有什么是真正属于你的，这符合父权制和集体主义的特质。当你看到某人时忽视他们是不礼貌的，但有些人需要自己的空间，可以让自己不受规则的束缚，以感受内心的平静。

5. Not serving the rice correctly

5. 没有正确上米饭

Food and eating well is a big part of Chinese culture. There’s this Chinese saying that goes, ‘Disease comes from the mouth’ – be mindful about eating for your health in other words.

饮食文化是中国文化的重要组成部分。中国有句谚语说，“病从口入”，也就是说，为了健康，要注意饮食习惯。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


Rice accompanies Chinese family dinners alongside the meat and vegetable dishes. The rice has to be served just right. Not undercooked, watery or raw for a Chinese dinner at home, as comedian Jimmy O’Yang wrote in How to American: An Immigrant’s Guide to Disappointing Your Parents.

在中国家庭的晚餐中，米饭会与肉类和蔬菜一起出现，米饭要做得恰到好处。就像喜剧演员Jimmy O'Yang在《如何成为美国人:一个让父母失望的移民指南》中所写的那样，在家里吃中餐时，米饭不要做得不够熟或太稀。

Each time my mum scooped the steaming rice out from the rice cooker for dinner, she ordered, ‘Mabel! Call daddy from over there to sik fan (eat) now! Now! Or else the rice get cold! Call louder!’. I would obediently call for my dad to come to the table. Sometimes he didn’t walk over immediately – maybe he didn’t hear my soft-spoken voice. Maybe I was to blame.

每当准备吃晚饭，我妈妈从电饭锅里舀出热气腾腾的米饭时，她都会叫道:“梅布尔!去叫你爸爸现在来吃饭!不然饭就凉了!大点声叫!”。这时我会乖乖地去叫爸爸过来吃饭。有时他没有马上过来——也许他没有听到我轻声细语的声音，或许这是我的错。

Of these times when my dad finally sat down at the dinner table, he’d take a bite of rice. Mouth chewing rice, dad raged, ‘The rice is not warm enough! It’s cold! Take it back to the pot!’, slamming his chopsticks down on the table. Silence echoed through the house.

每当我爸爸姗姗来迟，终于坐在餐桌旁时，他会吃一口米饭，然后大发雷霆，“米饭不够热!把它放回锅里去热!“说着，他把筷子砰地一声放在桌子上，屋子里一片寂静。

During these occasions eating at home felt small and unappetising. Having a meal hot or cold is something to be thankful for. But no matter how good the food tastes or how cosy the ambience, you’d probably never forget the unhappy diner who sat next to you.

在这种情况下，在家吃饭会让人感觉很没胃口。有一顿饭可以吃总是值得感谢的，无论是热的还是冷的。但无论食物的味道有多好，环境有多舒适，你可能永远不会忘记坐在你旁边的不开心的用餐者。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


* * *
Strict Asian parents arguably show tough, practical love and it comes from a place of care. They hope for opportunities and a comfortable future for their children, shaping them to be tough to face the world and its challenges. Often they put their own interests and more importantly their own time aside to make sure they learn life’s lessons.

严格的亚洲父母可以说表现出了一种强硬的关爱。他们希望为自己的孩子提供机会和舒适的未来，塑造他们坚毅的品性，以面对世界和应对各种挑战。他们经常把他们自己的兴趣，更重要的是他们自己的时间放在一边，以确保他们的后辈能学到人生的经验。

Different people have different wants and needs, different reactions and feelings in each situation. The constant insistence to conform to cultural expectations certainly has its consequences on your personality, emotions and mental health.

不同的人在不同的情况下有不同的欲望和需求，不同的反应和感受。不断地坚持符合文化的期望当然会对你的个性、情感和心理健康产生影响。

In her book Quiet is a Superpower, author Jill Chang writes that ‘finding your core values is never an easy journey, especially in Eastern societies’. Research on psychological behaviour shows Chinese American individuals tend to value emotional suppression to preserve interpersonal harmony but this may not be the case in Western cultures. A study also found disempowering parenting and intergenerational cultural conflict creates mental distress among Asian youths.

作者Jill Chang在她的《安静是一种超能力》一书中写道，“找到你的核心价值观从来都不是一件容易的事，尤其是在东方社会”。对心理行为的研究表明，美籍华人倾向于抑制个人情绪以保持人际和谐，但在西方文化中可能并非如此。一项研究还发现，父母的严厉管教和代际文化冲突对亚洲年轻人造成了精神困扰。

In other words, the collectivist mentality and hegemonic power dynamics in Asian cultures can considerably suppress individual identity and confidence to speak and live your truth. At times, such culturally commanding actions borders on abuse and leads to long-term trauma, intentionally or unintentionally.

换句话说，亚洲文化中的集体主义心态可以在很大程度上压制个人的身份认同和活出真正的自己的信心。有时，这种在文化上居高临下的行为近乎霸凌，会有意或无意地导致别人长期受到创伤。

In general, people don’t want to upset each other if they can avoid it. That includes not wanting to disappoint your parents – and you may get stuck in the cycle of the fear of disappointing others. Aside from feeling guilty and struck by fear of being the cause someone is unhappy, you might constantly focus on avoiding disappointing your Asian parents – submitting to cultural stereotypes and unable to see past what you’re being told behind closed doors or see what’s possible elsewhere.

一般来说，如果可以避免的话，人们都不想让对方不高兴。这包括不想让你的父母感到失望——你可能会陷入害怕让别人感到失望的恶性循环中。因为感到内疚，你可能会一直专注于避免让你的亚洲父母感到失望，屈从于刻板的文化，局限于别人关起门来告诉你的东西，无法看到其它的可能性。

You can’t please everyone all the time as everyone will have their opinions. As self-care coach Cheryl Richardson wrote in The Art of Disappointing Others, you have to learn to disappoint others to live a life of meaning. But moving forward amidst the criticism of not living up to cultural values can be easier said than done.

你不可能一直取悦所有人，因为每个人都会有自己的看法。正如自我护理训练师谢丽尔.理查森在《让别人失望的艺术》一书中所写的那样，你必须学会让别人感到失望，这样你的生活才有意义。但是，在不符合文化价值观的批评中前进，说起来容易做起来难。

For one, you may desire and feel the pressure to make it without the help of your family. If you don’t be successful on your own as how you imagined, you might be horribly disappointed. More specifically, disappointed in yourself alongside that perfectionist side within you, which likely stems from the strict cultural values you’ve always known.

你可能希望感受到压力，希望在没有家人帮助的情况下完成任务。但如果你不能像你想象的那样靠自己取得成功，你可能会非常失望。更具体地说，你会对自己感到失望，而你内心中的完美主义的一面可能正是源于你一直遵从的严格的文化价值观。

Being creative and a writer doesn’t always come easy to me. It took time to unlearn feeling unimportant amidst the discouragement ingrained within me and believe in writing, which includes setting boundaries with both yourself and others, surrounding yourself with supportive people and finding middle ground between you and those who disagree – keeping in mind this last suggestion isn’t always achievable.

成为一个有创造力的作家对我来说并不容易。我花了很长时间才战胜了在内心中根深蒂固的挫败感，并相信自己的写作能力，这包括为自己和他人设定界限，让支持自己的人围绕在自己周围，在你和那些持不同意见的人之间找到客观立场——记住，最后这条建议并不总是可行的。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


Sometimes you might disappoint your parents. Sometimes if you don’t follow your own truth, you might disappoint yourself even more.

有时你可能会不得不让你的父母感到失望。因为有时候，如果你不遵从于自己的内心，你可能会让自己感到更加失望。

Have you ever disappointed your parents?

你曾经让你的父母感到失望过吗?