We get why some people like the idea of royalty. Occasionally, it’s fun to watch celebs in fancy dress. It’s the same reason why some people like watching the Oscars (if you’re watching the Oscars for the awards, sorry, you’re going to be disappointed).
However, royalty should under no circumstances be allowed to rule or make decisions of any kind. When they do, we get nonsense like the following…

我们明白为什么有些人喜欢皇室。偶尔，亲眼见到穿着华丽的名人会很有趣，出于同样的原因，一些人喜欢看奥斯卡（如果你看奥斯卡是奔着奖项去的， 那你太令人失望了）
然而皇室在任何情况下也不应当进行统治或做出任何决策。当他们这样做的时候，我们就会得到如下的废话：

5
When the British Looted a Dog for Her, Queen Victoria Named It Looty

当英国人为其抢来一条狗的时候，维多利亚女王将之命名为抢抢
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


If you visit Beijing, you midght tour the Summer Palace, a huge complex of halls and museums going back hundreds of years. Beijing also had an Old Summer Palace. During the Second Opium War in 1860, British troops destroyed it. The place spanned almost a thousand acres, so it took thousands of men several days to reduce the place to ruins, killing hundreds of people in the subsequent fires.
That was business as usual for the British, as was pillaging the palace of all easily transportable valuables. Let’s focus, though, on one specific bit of looting: Captain John Dunne spotted an unusual dog, which he assumed belonged to the Empress or some other lady (some “small-footed mistress,” reported the Illustrated London News). He nabbed it and brought it home to London. Queen Victoria, delighted by the gift, named the dog “Looty.” Because they had looted it, you see.

如果你访问过北京，你可能将会游览过颐和园，一座巨大的复杂的由数百年前的大厅和博物馆组成的庞大建筑。而北京还有过一座圆明园，1860年第二次鸦片战争期间，英国军队摧毁了这里。这个地方占地数千英里，所以数千人花了几天时间才将这里夷为废墟，在随后的大火中烧死了数百人。
对于英国人来说，这不过就是家常便饭，就像他们抢劫故宫中的易搬运的财宝那样。不过让我们聚焦于抢劫的其中一个特定的事件上：John Dunne队长发现了一只不同寻常的狗，他断定属于女皇或其他女士的（据伦敦新闻画报所说是小脚贵妇的）他抓住了它，将之带回了伦敦。维多利亚女王对这件礼物很高兴，给狗起名叫抢抢。
因为就是抢来的，看到了吧。


He doesn’t know where his original mistress is. (She burned to death.)
Again, we all knew that the Brits were fans of stealing stuff. But we were somehow under the impression that that they didn’t refer to it as stealing. We thought they claimed to be preserving these valuable items, or liberating them, or used some other euphemism that merely secretly means the same as stealing. Victoria, however, took gleeful pride in her dog’s dark origin story.
That breed of dog, by the way, is today known as a “Pekingese.” Because the first one to come to England had been looted from Peking.

他不知狗的原主人在哪里（被烧死了）
再说一遍，我们都知道不列颠人都喜欢偷窃。但是我们不知怎么地总有一种他们不将之称为偷窃的印象。我们以为他们将要声称是保护这些珍贵文物，或者解放它们，或者使用其它委婉的词语隐秘地表达偷窃的含义。然而维多利亚对她的狗的黑暗的起源故事感到高兴和自豪。
顺便一提，这种狗现在被称为北京犬，这是因为第一只到达英格兰的这种狗就是从北京偷来的。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


4
King Iddin-Dagan Insisted on Public Sex With a Priestess

Iddin-Dagan国王坚持与一位女祭司公开性交
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


You know kings and queens best through rituals. We don’t see them too much in everyday life, but you see their coronations, their funerals and their extravagant royal weddings. King Iddin-Dagan lived four millennia ago in Isin (that’s Iraq today), and historians know him almost exclusively through one well-documented marital ritual.
We said “marital ritual,” not “wedding.” Because this was just a symbolic marriage, which meant he got to do it again and again, every year. The ceremony involved him having sex with a priestess. First she “bathed her loins” for him. Second, she bathed her loins for him again. Third, she bathed with soap (no mention is made of the king bathing). Then, Iddin-Dagan assumed the role of the Sumerian god Dumuzid, saying, “O my holy thighs!” The priestess assumed the role of the goddess Inanna and “made him rejoice with her holy thighs on the bed.”
A praise poem to Iddin-Dagān

我们都是通过一些皇家礼仪来了解国王和王后，我们在每天的生活中并不常见他们，但是可以在他们的加冕仪式、葬礼和婚礼上看到他们。Iddin Dagan国王生活在四千年前的Isin（即今天的伊拉克），历史学家认知他完全是通过一个有着详细记载的婚姻仪式。
我们用的词汇是“婚姻仪式”，而不是“婚礼”，因为这只是一场象征性的婚姻，这意味他只是每年不停地一直做。仪式包括他与一位女祭司翻云覆雨的环节。首先，女祭司先为他清洗自己的下体，接着再次清洗。她是用肥皂来清洗的，（没有提到提国王怎么样）。然后，Iddin-Dagan投演了苏美尔的神Dumuzid，说道：噢，我的神圣的大腿！“而女祭司投演的女神Inanna并且在床上用她白花花的神圣大腿让他开心。
一首献给Iddin-Dagan的赞美诗。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处



The ceremony culminated with this sex, and it featured 10 other segments as well. Male prostitutes put on a parade. Next came ladies dancing and drummers drumming (seriously). Priests showed up and cut themselves with swords. Finally, everyone watched the king get off, in the name of promoting a bountiful harvest. It sounds like a bit much, but it did directly increase crop yields. That’s just science.

仪式以嘿嘿嘿而达到高潮，此外还有10个环节。牛郎鸭子开始举办一场游行、接下来是女士们跳舞鼓手们鼓乐（认真的）祭司们出现，用剑来割伤自己。最终每个人都看着国王离开女祭司，以促进丰收的名义，收云收雨。虽然这听起来有点儿离谱，但是它的确提高了农作物的产量。

3

The Blind King Who Tied Himself to His Other Men盲王将自己同其他的男人绑在一起

First let’s tell this story the way King John himself would want it told: King John of Bohemia, who lived in the 14th century, lost his eyesight by the age of 40. Despite this, he insisted on fighting valiantly. In 1346, he led some of France’s forces against England in the Battle of Crécy. Both sides fought with bows, and John led a calvary charge, resulting in his glorious death in battle.

首先，我们先按照约翰王自己想要别人讲述的方式来讲述这个故事：生活在14世纪的波西米亚约翰王在40岁的时候丢失了视力。尽管如此，他还是英勇作战、在1346年，他带领法兰西武装力量在克雷西战役中攻击英格兰。双方都使用了弓箭，约翰率领一支骑兵冲锋，结果却在战斗中光荣牺牲。


Just one thing we need to add. Since he was blind, John couldn’t direct his own horse, much less direct everyone else as well. And so, he asked the men on either side of him to tie their horses together, with him in the middle. They obeyed, since he was the king. Sadly, this is not the ideal way to ride, as not all charges are as organized as the ones in Middle-earth. Thanks to their horses getting tied up, all the other riders were unseated and died. They are now in Valhalla, or whatever the Christian equivalent of that is.

我们只是要再补充一件事情。因为他是盲的， 约翰无法驾御他的坐骑，更加不消说指挥其他人了。于是，他要求左右两侧的人将战马绑在一起，而他就在中间。两侧的人服从了，因为他是国王。不幸的是，这种驾驶方式不够良好，，因为并不是所有的冲锋都像中世纪那样组织有序。多亏了他们的战马被绑在了一起，所有的骑手都掉下了马死了。现在他们都在英灵殿里了，或者一个基督教里的相同的地方。

2
The Prince Who Killed His Mistress and Himself

杀死了自己的情妇和自己的王子

Rudolf, Crown Prince of Austria killed himself on January 30, 1889. A few hours before turning the revolver on himself, he first killed his mistress, Baroness Mary Vetsera. Then he left her body there so people would find her naked next to him.
Official word says this was a suicide pact. Each of them sent letters announcing their plans to die. But these letters offer very little information, and Vetsera’s was so short that we can quote it here in full: “Forgive me for what I have done. I could not resist my love. In agreement with him I desire to be buried beside him at Alland. I am happier in death than in life.” Whether or not she was cool with this, we don’t think law or religion generally say 17-year-old mistresses ought consent to murder-suicides.

Rudolf，奥地利王储于1889年1月30日自杀了，在把枪口对准自己的胸膛的几个小时前，他首先杀死了他的情妇Mary Vetsera女爵。之后他将她的遗体遗弃在那里，所以人们就能看到她裸着挨着他。
官方说法是这是一场自杀计划。他们每一个人都寄出了宣布了他们的死亡计划的信。但是这些信所提供的信息太少了， Vetsera的信很短，以致于我们大可以这里贴出来全文：请原谅我的所做乴为。我难以再抗拒我的爱了、在与他达成的共识中，我渴望在Alland与他葬在一地上。我死了比活着更加开心。”无论她是否冷静，但我们不认为法律或宗教会应当不会说17岁的情妇应当同意谋杀自杀。


Why did Rudolf pick up that gun? No one knows. He had no obvious problems right before his death (fewer problems, in fact, than you might expect anyone who works in politics to have). He showed no changes in behavior that gave anyone clues in hindsight. Theorists have suggested something scandalous or forbidden about his sleeping with Vetsera, if it led them to choose to die together, but it appeared to be an unremarkable affair, one of many extramarital relationships in which Rudolf freely indulged.
What we do know is that Rudolf’s death threw the royal succession into disarray. This led Franz Ferdinand to become heir to the throne, which led to the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, which led to a bit of trouble shortly afterward.

为何Rudoif捡起了那把枪？没有人知道。他在去世前并没有什么迹象（实际上，比你所想象的任何的政界人士问题来得都要少）、事后来看他并没有作为线索的行为上的变化。理论学家指出关于他与她之间的关系应当是有什么禁止或可耻的部分，如果这使得他们共同赴死，但是这看起来又像是普普通通的关系，是Rudolf众多自由放纵的婚外情之一。
我们所知道的是RUdolf的死亡使得王室继承陷入混乱。这使得费迪南大公继承了王位，这又导致了费迪南大公遇刺，又导致了一些麻烦。

1
A Maharaja Killed 300 Tree Huggers

一个Maharaja杀死了300个抱树者

In 1730, Abhai Singh of Marwar in India wanted a new palace. This meant he needed wood, and the forest around the nearby village of Jehnad would seem to provide it.

在1730年，印度马尔瓦尔的Abhai Singh想要一座新宫殿。这意味着他需要木材，而附近的Jehnad村的周边的森林似乎能供应木材、


The villagers, however, said, “Hold up.” They couldn’t let anyone cut down these Khejri trees, which were sacred to the Bishnoi sect. Now, you’ve surely heard many fictional stories about sacred trees, which are a stand-in for environmentalism in general or for land ownership, but this is a true story about literal sacred trees. And the protesters, led by a woman named Amrita Devi, were literal tree huggers: They hugged the trees to keep the men from cutting them. But the men simply beheaded the huggers and then cut the trees down. “A chopped head is cheaper than a chopped tree” is said to be the last thing Devi said.
Now other protesters came from neighboring villages to hug the trees. Abhai Singh’s men killed them too. When the lumberjacks pointed out that it seemed like only old people were sacrificing themselves, younger people took up the hugging, and the men just sawed right through them as well. They killed 363 villagers this way. September 11th is currently a day of remembrance in India, not for 9/11 but because it’s National Forest Martyrs Day, the anniversary of the Khejarli massacre.

然而村民们说“顶住”、他们不让任何人砍伐这些Khejri树，这些树对于Bishnoi教徒来讲是神圣的。现在你应当听说过很多关于圣树的虚构故事了，它们通常是为了一般性的环境保护主义或者土地私有权，但这里是一个字面上的关于圣树的真实故事。抗议者们由一位叫作Amrita Devi的女人领导，是真正的抱树人，他们抱着树木，防止人们砍树。但这些人却枭首了这些抱树人，然后砍倒了树。“砍头比砍树容易”据说是Devi最后说过的话。
而之后其他的抗议者也从邻近的村庄赶来抱树。Abhai Singh的手下同样也把这些人杀了。当伐木工人们指出看起来只有老年人在牺牲自我的时候，年轻人也来抱树了，而士兵们直接隔着他们的身体锯树。他们用这种方式杀害了363年村民。9月11日在目前是一个国家纪念日，不是为了纪念911，而是因为它是国家森林烈士纪念日，这是Khejarli大屠杀的纪念日。


Abhai Singh lived another 20 years, getting into unrelated battles and dying in an unremarkable way. That’s how you know this isn’t one of those fictional fables you’ve heard. If it were, the villagers would have risen up, and it would all end with Abhai Singh dying by being impaled by a sentient tree.

Abhai Singh又活了20年，参加了一场不相关的战斗，以一种平凡的方式死去。 这就是为什么你知道这不是虚构故事的原因。如果是的话，那和这个村庄将会奋起反击，最终Abhai Singh 会被一颗有知觉的树剌穿身体而死。