哪些事情我们都假装自己没做过，但实际上我们都知道所有人都做过？
What''s something we all just pretend no one does, but in truth we know we all do it?
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别装啦！
正文翻译
What's something we all just pretend no one does, but in truth we know we all do it?
哪些事情我们都假装自己没做过，但实际上我们都知道所有人都做过？
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
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Fart in public.
在公共场合放屁。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
几个月之前的一天我正在家得宝里买东西，沿着过道走的时候，另一个兄弟沿着同一个过道正朝我走过来。在我意识到我会路过他经过的地方的时候，他对我说的原话：“我刚才在那边差点把自己的屎给放出来，你最好先等一分钟再过去……”
我这辈子从来没对一个陌生人如此感激过。那才是真正的为你的同胞着想！毕竟我们都曾经毫无准备地走进过别人的屁里……或是让别人走进过我们放的屁里……
10 years ago my boyfriend and I had just started dating and we decided to take a trip together. We were late to get on our flight so i ended up sitting in front of him instead of next to him. As we taking off I feel my stomach rumble and realize I’m going to have a bad case of the altitoots. I proceed to blow ass almost the entire flight. As soon as we get off the plane my BF starts complaining about how someone farted the entire flight. He was so mad and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was me. Instead I waited to tell him that secret on our one year anniversary. We had a good laugh about it.
10年前我和我男朋友刚开始谈恋爱，我们决定一起去旅行。我们上飞机晚了，所以我最后坐到了他前面，而不是他旁边。我们起飞自后，我就感觉我的肚子里一阵翻江倒海，我意识到自己可能要经历一次严重的高海拔排气。结果我整趟飞机都在放屁。等到我们刚一下飞机，我男朋友就开始跟我抱怨有人在飞机上从头放到尾。他气得厉害，而且我也没敢告诉他当时是我放的。于是我等到一周年纪念日那天才跟他讲起这件事。我们笑得很开心。
Making up fake scenarios in our head.
在头脑里编造不存在的情况。
I have literally cried over scenarios that weren’t real.
我曾经为那些自己编出来的情况哭过。
When you go into an isle in the grocery store and you see someone in front of the obxt you’re looking for so you pretend you’re getting something else all while hovering near them waiting for them to leave that area so you can get said obxt.
你在超市里走进一条过道，看见有人正好站在你想要拿的那个东西前面，于是你假装要去拿别的东西，而一直在他旁边转悠，等他走了，你再过去拿你想要的东西。
“It is not the picking of the nose that separates us, but what comes after”
“决定我们之间不同的，不是挖不挖鼻屎，而是挖完了怎么办。”
我爸，2015年说的
A. Eat it
A 吃了
B 抹到面巾纸上
C 蹭到最近的没露在外面的表面上
D 弹弹手指，让宇宙决定它的命运
When I was a kid/teenager I was D. Till one day I noticed there was a lot of something weird on my bedroom door next to my computer desk. "What is this stuff? OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
在我还小的时候我是D。直到有一天我发现挨着我电脑桌的那扇卧室门上面有一堆奇怪的东西。“这是啥？我滴妈耶！我都干了些什么？”
That feeling when you finally flick the sticky booger off your finger after 7 tries
那种试了七次之后终于把黏糊糊的鼻屎弹出去的感觉。
Realize later it's still stuck to you
过了一会儿才发现还粘在你的手指上。
There's two types of people in this world. Nose pickers and liars.
世界上有两种人。一种人挖过鼻屎，另一种人是骗子。
Procrastination!
拖延！
I was going to say that, but I waited too long.
我本来也想说这个，但我等太久了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Procrastination is worse when you're consciously doing it. I love just vibing and watching YouTube, but then I start thinking 'I need to do (thing), I should get up.' Then I don't get up, and I'm constantly thinking for the next couple hours that I need to do (thing), but I'm just consciously procrastinating.
当你在有意识地拖延的时候，拖延的感觉更糟糕。我喜欢放松下来看YouTube的感觉，但是当我开始想起“我还得做（事情），我得赶紧起来”的时候，我不会起来，我在接下来的几个小时里都会想我得做的这件事情，但我只不过是在有意识地拖延罢了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
在网飞上一口气看完一整部剧比任何事情给我的压力都大，因为我会想我应该赶快完成明天要交的作业。
事实上现在仔细想想，我还有一篇小论文要写，但我却在刷reddit，当一个效率低下的笨蛋。
I won a trophy for procrastination a couple years ago in college. Still need to pick the thing up.
我几年前在大学里赢过拖延症的奖杯。还没回去取呢。
If you wait till the last minute, it only takes a minute.
如果你等到最后一分钟再去做，那这件事就只需要你做一分钟。
You know procrastination has a lot in common with masturbation, it feels awfully good until you realize you just fucked your self.
你们都知道拖延和手淫之间有很多共同点。当时感觉都特别棒，事后才发现你刚把自己搞砸了。
Convincing yourself in your head that everyone around you is doing things perfectly and at full efficiency and expect the same of the people around them.
在脑子里让自己相信身边的所有人都在以最高的效率完美地做好各种事情，并且他们希望他们身边的所有人也能做到这一点。
不是吗？只有我吗？
Ah, perfectionism. I know it well.
啊，完美主义。我太懂了。
我的心理医生告诉我，世界上有三种完美主义。一种是要求你自己，一种是要求其他人，一种是你认为其他人在要求你。
最后一种的伤害特别大，并且很多很多时候都并非如此。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I have a meeting with my supervisor in a few hours and I've been fretting over the fact I don't feel like I've made anywhere near as much progress on my research as I feel like I should've over the past couple of weeks.
我过几个小时就要跟导师开会了，我一直因为感觉自己过去几个星期没有在研究方面取得我应该取得的足够的进步而恐慌。
这句话让我感觉好多了。
Is this me? I had to do a presentation to my lab group about my research progress. I though my Powerpoint was vague and I havent done enough at that point.
这说的是我吗？我之前得给实验室的团队做一次进度汇报展示。我以为我的PPT做得很空，我当时做的东西也不够多。
结果我的导师很喜欢我做的展示，以及我取得的成果。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
到现在为止这种事情已经发生过至少两次了。
assume you are "above average" intelligence
觉得你的智力水平“超过平均水平”。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I usually assume I'm either the most galaxy brained human to have ever lived or a complete dumbass, it really depends on the day and on what I'm doing
我通常会认为自己要么是人类有史以来最为绝顶聪明的一号人物，要么是个彻头彻尾的蠢逼，具体取决于那天是什么日子以及我当时在干什么。
Just about everyone has an area they're above average in, but nobody can check all the boxes. And since we tend to stay in our little niche, it gives us a warped perception, since we're typically only doing the things we're good at.
基本上所有人都在某一个领域拥有超过平均水平的能力，但没人能在所有领域都打上勾。并且我们通常都倾向于呆在我们小小的特长范围内，这就会给我们一种扭曲的认知，因为我们基本上只会做自己擅长的事情。
I had the best moment the other day.
我前几天遇到过特别搞笑的一件事。
跟朋友们打游戏，有人在语音里说，“噢！他的昵称是“莫罗斯土豆”，不是“摩尔斯土豆”。我明白了。”
于是聪明如我就突然在语音里大喊，“‘摩尔斯土豆’是个什么玩意儿啊？难道上面有点儿可以让盲人读吗？”
于是语音里的另一个兄弟回了一句，“Yoshi那他妈是盲文你个弱智。”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
我们都乐了好久。
Making up conversations in my head before something important. Like I will say this and then the response from other person might be this.. sometimes it can go for 10-15 min before I snap back to reality.
在重要的对话发生之前先把对话在自己脑子里排练一边。比如我要说这句话，然后另一个人的回复可能是这句话……有时可能会进行10-15分钟，我才能回到现实中来。
Especially arguments. I can have both sides of an argument with someone all by myself in my own head.
尤其是争论。我可以在自己的脑子里扮演争论的双方。
Winning fake arguments in your head.
在脑子里赢得一场辩论。
Hey, it’s better than LOSING a fake argument in your head
嘿，总比在脑子里输掉一场辩论要好。
I lose arguments in my head all the time. It helps me rethink my perspective.
我总是会输掉在脑子里的辩论。这可以让我重新审视我的立场。
Picking your nose and finding that root boog that feels like it's attached to the base of the brain.
挖鼻屎的时候找到那块最深的，感觉就好像粘在大脑底下一样。
One of the best feelings in the world
世界上最棒的感觉之一
And when pulling it out it feels like you're unraveling your brain. So satisfying
把它拔出来的时候你会感觉好像在解开大脑打的结。太满足了。
Scratching your crotch.
挠裤裆。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Intrusive thoughts that make us question whether we're secretly psychopaths.
入侵进大脑的想法，让我们质疑自己是否其实是个心里变态。
Everybody has those. Right? RIGHT?!?
所有人都有。对吧？对吧？！
Our brains are association machines. It’s not a big deal. It just means we see the possibilities.
我们的脑子是联想的机器。所以没什么大不了的。只不过意味着我们能看见这些可能性而已。
It just so happens that the possibilities include abhorrent acts like murder
只不过这些可能性碰巧包括了谋杀等惨无人道的行为。
Friend "Check out my new knife!!!"
朋友：“看看我买的新刀子！”
我，脑子里：“捅啊捅啊捅死他芜呼呼！！！！”
When I was in high school and a teacher was talking to me I had intrusive thoughts of spitting on them. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I realized later it was anxiety making up things to mess with me just for funsies.
我上高中的时候，有一个老师在跟我说话，我当时就忽然想对她吐痰。我一直在纳闷我到底出什么问题了。后来才知道是焦虑把我的思维弄得一团糟。
I don't even remember who it was but there was a nice old lady in my life for a while, and all I can remember about her now is how badly I wanted to punch her in the head. Like just bury my fist in her skull.
我甚至不记得这个人是谁了，我只记得我的人生中曾经有这么个很善良的老太太，但我对她留下的唯一记忆就只有我特别想给她脑袋来一拳。把整个拳头都埋进她的颅骨里的那种程度。
那个老太太跟我有过很棒的关系，并且我对她根本没有恶意，也没有隐藏的不喜欢。
就这个，另外就是想要在高速公路上像GTA里那样拦别人的车。
Judge other people
对别人评头论足
Recently I had to insist that my wife knocks loudly and waits before opening my son’s bedroom door. I really had to explain why FFS! I know he’s constantly jacking off, but he would be mortified if anyone knew, especially his parents.
最近我得一直劝我老婆，一定要在进我儿子的房间门之前先大声敲门，然后等一等。我他妈竟然真的得跟她解释为什么!我知道我儿子经常在撸管，但要是有人真的知道，尤其是他父母知道了的话，他就要无地自容了。
me and my brother shared a room in high school, and so we could only ever do it in the shower or on the toilet. my dad caught on but my mom never really did, and would get incredibly mad when we would spend 30 minutes 'going to the bathroom'. after countless events of her knocking on the door and yelling "whats taking you so long? come on out!" every five minutes, by brother eventually got fed up and yelled back "SHUT UP MOM IM MASTURBATING". she didnt do it anymore after that
我和我哥哥高中的时候睡一间屋子，所以我们只有在洗澡或者上厕所的时候才能冲一发。我爸早就懂了，但我妈从来都不懂，所以每次我们花三十分钟“上厕所”的时候我妈都特别生气。在她无数次敲门，每隔五分钟喊一次“你干什么呢花那么久？赶紧出来！”之后，我哥终于实在受不了了，回了一句“闭嘴老妈我在撸管”。此后她再也没敲过门了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I was hanging out late at my brother's house when his sons were 13 and 15 but also shared a bedroom. The kids had all showered, gone to bed, then the bedroom door opens and the 15yo heads into the bathroom. My brother says, "I just don't get that boy. Seems like every night he takes a shower, goes to bed,, then gets up and takes a 20 minute shit.
我有一天去我哥家过夜，他的两个儿子一个13一个15，也住同一间卧室。孩子们都洗完了澡，去上床了，然后卧室门开了，15岁的那个去了洗手间。我哥说，“我真搞不懂那孩子。好像每天晚上他都洗个澡，去上床，然后起床拉20分钟的屎。”
知道今天我还是不知道，他到底是在有意地装不知道，还是在开很低级的玩笑。可能他真的忘了青春期男孩是什么感觉。
Does it take 20 mins for a teenage boy to jack off? Kid might actually be shitting.
青春期的男孩要花20分钟的时间撸一管吗？孩子可能真的是去拉屎了。
Between setting up the mood, choosing your favourite video/photos of whoever and what not, yeah I think 20 min is a good time window.
进入合适的情绪，选择你最喜欢的某个人的照片或者视频，没错我觉得20分钟是个合适的时间窗口。
Takes a while sometimes to read the source material and familiarise yourself with the lore and better appreciate the adaptation.
有时你得花点时间去阅读原材料，让自己熟悉背景故事，从而更好地欣赏改编作品。
When my nephew was a teen, he'd take like 3-4 showers a day. I just pretended I had no clue why... =p
我外甥青春期的时候，每天要洗三四次澡。我只能假装我根本不知道为什么……
I did too, but because I was a stinky teen and knew it, not because I was jacking it :(
我之前也是，但那是因为我是个臭气哄哄的大男孩并且我知道这一点，而不是我在里头奖励自己
That and shower time was thinking time for me. Now I'm mortified that my parents thought I was jacking off.
没错，而且洗澡的时间对我来说是思考的时间，现在一想到我父母会以为我是在里面打飞机，我就脚趾抠地。
Reading comments/texts multiple times after sending/posting them. Just to let the fact that you’re a modern day Shakespeare settle in
在发送或发布评论或消息之后重新读好几遍。只是为了让你彻底接受自己就是当代莎士比亚这个事实。
The amount of time I spend looking at my own posts/messages and pretend that I'm an outsider looking in is embarrassing
我在看自己的帖子和信息，假装我是个点进来的用户再读一遍上花的时间让我觉得尴尬。
Or reading back over your Reddit comments to revisit the pride you got from a particularly clever one
或者重新读一遍你的reddit评论，再次感受之前抖过的最牛逼的机灵给你带来的骄傲。
Fantasize about doing something/someone you shouldn't
幻想去做一些你不该做的人或事。
“Man I could just jump off this building couldn’t I “
“我说我好像真的可以从这栋楼上跳下去对不对”
不我的大脑，咱可不想死，但你说得对从技术上讲我们确实做得到就是了。
I: Driving home in a good mood, looking forward to dinner.
我：带着好心情开车回家，期待着晚上的大餐。
我的大脑：你其实可以直接把车子开上人行道把那些人都碾死。
算啦，那样晚餐就吹了。先当一会儿正常人好不好。
Sometimes it baffles me how easy it is to throw our lives away.
有时候我会想不明白，我们毁掉自己的人生竟然是这么容易的一件事。
I had this intrusive thought this morning. Driving in to work, and some major interstates are under construction, with one of the main highways that dumps into the city being reduced to two lanes. I thought: "If you do it right, you could wreck with that car next to you and completely shut down traffic into downtown. Sure, you might die and kill the other person, but this one, quick, mindless action could significantly impact this entire city. How... interesting."
我今早就有过这种想法。开着车去上班，有个洲际高速路在施工，导致一条通往城市的主干道只有两条车道可以走。我当时想，“要是你干的利索，你就可以把旁边那辆车撞报废，从而彻底堵死前往市中心的道路。对，你确实可能会死，也可能会把那个人也弄死，但这种迅速，无脑的行为只要做一下，就能对整座城市造成极为重要的影响。真……有趣。”
“Significantly impact this entire city”
引用：“对整座城市造成极为重要的影响”
我觉得我们这个社会应该更加重视这种想法。我觉得人们做出的很多冲动的“疯狂”的决定，都是因为他们觉得自己不过是巨大机器中的一个小齿轮，他们因此觉得很无力。于是有时会出现这种对周边环境造成冲击的迫切欲望，有时甚至用很疯狂的方式，只是为了感到对这个世界和个人生活的控制感。
兄弟你用不着为了影响什么而把整座城市给堵上。我已经听见你了。你是个重要的人，并且你已经对我产生了影响——如果这对你有任何价值的话。
That was weirdly encouraging, and I appreciate it
这听起来竟然挺鼓励人的，我很感激。
Read messages from the notification bar then pretending you didn't see the message only much later.
看一眼通知栏的消息，然后假装你好久之后才看见这条消息。
I occasionally turn off my Wi-Fi and data, read the message, close the app and then turn data/Wi-Fi back on. It seems to work.
我偶尔会先关掉我的wifi和数据流量，然后看一眼那条消息，再关掉app，最后再把数据流量或是wifi打开。好像管用。
I gotta ask, at that point, why not turn off read receipts?
我想问问，都做到这个地步了，为什么不直接把已读通知关掉呢？
I like seeing when others have read my messages. I just don’t like them seeing when I do. Sometimes I’m a giant hypocrite.
我喜欢看见别人已读我的信息的时候，但是我不喜欢别人看见我。有时候我确实是个要命的伪君子。
I read the messages and reply when i can or want to.
我只有在可以或者想要的时候，才会阅读并回复消息。
某种程度上，我的手机已经变成了给除了我以外的所有人都带来方便的设备，我要把它夺回来。
I really wish I didn't have to do this. We all live busy lives. Unless its an emergency that message can generally wait. It's not a slight against them, I'm leaving it unread because I want to get back to them and don't want to lose the message, but life doesn't stop because they decided to text
我真希望我不用做这种事。我们的生活都非常忙碌。所以除非是紧急情况，否则这种消息都是可以等的。又不是在刻意忽视他们，我未读是因为我晚点会在回来看，我不想找不到那条消息，但是我的生活不会因为他们决定给我发条短信就停下来。
Deliberately delay responses to text messages and e-mails, even though it would be convenient to reply.
故意拖延回复短信和电子邮件，即便回复起来很方便。