如果有人对你不好或不尊重你，这是他们的不良行为，还是你只是允许那个人对你不好?
If someone treats you badly or without respect, is it their bad behavior or are you simply allowing that person to treat you poorly?
译文简介
网友：嗯，我认为这是你提到的两个因素的结合，但更多的是关于你允许什么。如果你清楚地设定了界限，那些默认的混蛋在你身边通常会很小心。是的，当有人做了伤害你的事情时，你必须直言不讳——而且是对那些行为恶劣的人，而不是其他人。好人通常会默认尊重界限，你甚至不需要谈论基本的规则......
正文翻译
If someone treats you badly or without respect, is it their bad behavior or are you simply allowing that person to treat you poorly?
如果有人对你不好或不尊重你，这是他们的不良行为，还是你只是允许那个人对你不好?
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Well, I believe it is a combination of the both factors you’re mentioning but it’s more about what you allow.
People who are jerks by default will be usually careful around you if you clearly set your boundaries. Yes, you have to be vocal when someone does something that’s hurting you - and with those who are behaving badly more than with the others. Nice people usually respect the boundaries by default and you don’t even have to talk about the basic rules.
YOU ARE DICTATING how other people will treat you and see you. If you’re not able to set your boundaries clearly, you’re more prone to be mistreated and abused – even by nice people. As human beings, we like to take the whole limp when just one small finger was offered. That’s simply how we are wired – majority of us at least. But then, a really nice person won’t be rude to anyone, not even to those who are not nice to themselves.
I had the female colleague in my previous team, a bitter and mean personality. She was mistreating everybody and nobody likes her. No matter what we did/said, she was always on a lonely crusade against the world. At the end, it only hurt her, because when the company was restructuring, she was the first one who they sacked. And people were celebrating. Ouch.
So, to wrap it up – jerks will treat you like jerks by default, but you can always put a stop to it if you clearly define what’s not acceptable for you and won’t let them do it. Some will continue disrespecting you simply because it becomes a power play, but then it is not about you anymore and you should simply turn your back to such behaviour.
嗯，我认为这是你提到的两个因素的结合，但更多的是关于你允许什么。
如果你清楚地设定了界限，那些默认的混蛋在你身边通常会很小心。是的，当有人做了伤害你的事情时，你必须直言不讳——而且是对那些行为恶劣的人，而不是其他人。好人通常会默认尊重界限，你甚至不需要谈论基本的规则。
你决定了别人如何对待你和看待你。如果你不能清楚地设定自己的界限，你就更容易被虐待, 甚至是被好人虐待。作为人类，当别人伸出一根小手指时，我们喜欢全力以赴。这就是我们的连线方式，至少大多数人是这样。但是，一个真正的好人不会对任何人粗鲁，即使是对那些对自己不好的人。
在之前的团队中，我有一个女同事，她性格刻薄，她虐待所有人，没人喜欢她。不管我们做什么/说什么，她总是孤独地与这个世界作斗争。最后，这只伤害了她，因为当公司重组时，她是第一个被解雇的人。人们在庆祝。
所以，总结一下, 混蛋们会默认地把你当成混蛋对待，但如果你清楚地定义了什么是你不能接受的，并且不让他们这样做，你就可以随时制止它。有些人会继续不尊重你，因为这变成了一种权力游戏，但这不再是你的问题，你应该简单地对这种行为置之不理。
the relationship between predator and prey is complex. the predator picks people who are weak. it is not that the weak give consent. they are what they are. the predator sees vulnerability and is opportunistic.
捕食者和猎物之间的关系是复杂的。捕食者会选择弱小猎物，而不是弱者同意。他们就是他们。捕食者看到了弱点，于是投机取巧。
Their behaviour would be considered abusive. There is no other way to describe it.
If you don’t set a boundary with them on howytou are going to be treated, then you are allowing them to abuse you.
If they don’t respect your boundaries and continue to abuse you, then yes, again you are allowing them.
This person is toxic. Decide whether you are going to draw a boundary that says
‘I do not allow people to treat me with disrespect and abuse.’ And if they do you need to speak to them and tell them the consequence if they continue to treat you that way.
Generally people who don’t respect other people are not likely to change. So do what you can to either get away from them or get them away from you.
If it is a teenager going through puberty, then as a parent they need consequences for their behaviour also.
他们的行为会被认为是虐待。没有其他的方式来形容它。
如果你不与他们就如何对待你设定界限，那么你就是在允许他们虐待你。
如果他们不尊重你的界限，继续虐待你，那么是的，你再次允许他们这样做。
这个人是有毒的。决定你是否要画一个边界，该边界表示
“我不允许人们不尊重和虐待我。“ 如果他们这样做了，你需要和他们谈谈，告诉他们如果他们继续那样对待你的后果。
一般来说，不尊重他人的人是不可能改变的。所以，尽你所能，要么远离他们，要么让他们远离你。
如果是正在经历青春期的青少年，那么作为父母也需要为自己的行为承担后果。
The thing about living in this world is: we usually have no control over adult behaviors but learn how to handle ourselves! All over this world somebody is being treated wrongfully by someone(s).
A person with a bad behavior, certain mental illnesses or just plain mean without issues, etc. will try to hurt others. This is how some of them act to keep you under their control. They use what they have learned or seen that can manipulate you for their own personal pleasure. Whether done intentional or not, it’s wrong! Help is out there for those who want it.
If you see your actions are hurting someone, learn how to control it the best you can! Try to get help instead of inflicting your pain on others because of past or present misery! You can’t go back and fix the past but you can have a better future. It all lies in the hand of the one that’s carrying the burden within to quit disrespecting others. It lies in the hand of those not carrying a burden that also love to see others sad. Trying to love instead of hate, will help make miseries better!
生活在这个世界上的关键是: 我们通常无法控制成年人的行为，但我们要学会如何驾驭/处理自己! 在这个世界上，总有人受到别人的不公正对待。
一个人如果行为不好，患有某种精神疾病，或者只是无缘无故心胸狭窄等，就会试图伤害他人。有些人就是这样把你控制在他们的控制之下。他们利用自己的所学和所见所闻来操纵你，为自己谋取私利。无论有意无意，这都是错误的! 那些需要帮助的人会得到帮助。
如果你看到你的行为正在伤害别人，学会尽你所能地控制它! 试着去寻求帮助，而不是因为过去或现在的不幸把你的痛苦强加给别人! 你不能回头去改变过去，但你可以拥有一个更好的未来。这一切都掌握在一个人的手中，这个人肩负着内心的负担，不再轻视他人。它存在于那些不背负重担的人手中，他们也喜欢看到别人悲伤。试着去爱而不是恨，会让痛苦变得更好!
That bitterness that lies underneath will only leave when you accept the hurt, face it head on and release the child. You will be letting go of your ugly childhood life and stepping into your changed adult life! Sometimes another child within does allow others to hurt them as an adult too. If you feel worthless or not so good about yourself, this can happen sometimes. The past hurt could be causing it. They need to accept the hurt, forgive and move on so that life won’t continue to destroy them inside!
放手有时可能是一颗难以下咽的药丸，但它是治疗过去伤害的最好良药! 对怀恨在心的人来说，这也是最好的良药。我们通过宽恕疗伤，从那些糟糕的记忆中走出来! 放下内心深处的痛苦，内心就会平静下来。这些事情会阻碍你过上幸福快乐的生活。虽然，对有些人来说，伤害别人可能感觉很好，但它永远不会带走过去的生活，只会让你痛苦。
只有当你接受伤害，勇敢面对，释放孩子气时，隐藏在内心的痛苦才会消失。你将放弃你丑陋的童年生活，步入改变了的成年生活！有时候，内心的另一个孩子也会允许别人伤害他们。如果你觉得自己毫无价值或自我感觉不太好，这种情况有时会发生。过去的伤害可能是造成这种情况的原因。他们需要接受伤害，原谅并继续前进，这样生活就不会继续摧毁他们的内心！
Remember you can’t control people behaviors but you can learn to make yourself stronger and stronger. A positive mind that carry love can conquer much hate from another! Show them you are not moved by their behaviors toward you. If you are able to, stay away from them. Put them out of your life until they truly change. Still continue to love all, even if it’s from a distance. Let them know there are some things you have to let go of and one is negative people toward you!
继续前进，这样别人就不会用它来伤害或控制你！保留这些东西会削弱你，这样别人就可以为所欲为了！ 放手可以帮助你重新获得一些力量，从而改变你的生活。在不知情的情况下，你可以允许他人在精神上伤害你。你只需要学会放下过去，积极地看待自己，让自己的思想变得强大！即使不是过去的生活，也要知道你比别人说的好！
记住，你无法控制别人的行为，但你可以学着让自己变得越来越强大。充满爱的积极心态可以战胜来自他人的仇恨! 让他们知道你不会被他们对你的行为所打动。如果你有能力，远离他们。把他们从你的生活中赶出去，直到他们真正改变。即使距离很远，也要继续爱所有人。让他们知道有些事情你必须放弃，其中一件是对你不好的人！
Both but I think if someone shows you disrespect, it reflects on them very negatively and greatly lowers who they really are. They are nasty, abusive, sarcastic, show horribly unacceptable behavior which they are choosing to do. They are ass holes who can’t control themselves, without any manners or good up bringing, or maybe they are made and can’t handle their temper, or they are deliberately trying to harm you. They are stupid, evil and basically no good in my eyes. I also believe that the individual being harmed must find the guts to stand up and tell them NO…NO…NO. If nothing works, then they have to remove themselves from the other person at once. No once should have to put up with poor and unacceptable behavior from these lousy people.
两者都有，但我认为，如果有人对你不敬，会给他们带来负面影响，大大降低他们的真实身份。他们卑鄙、辱骂、讽刺，表现出他们所选择的令人难以接受的行为。他们是无法控制自己的混蛋，没有任何礼貌或良好的教养，或者他们是天生的，无法控制自己的脾气，或者他们是故意要伤害你。他们愚蠢，邪恶，在我眼里根本就不好。我也相信被伤害的人必须鼓起勇气站起来，告诉他们不……不……不。如果什么都不起作用，他们就必须立刻离开对方。没有人应该忍受这些讨厌的人的糟糕和不可接受的行为。
I think that it is a combination. I think sometimes it is easy to set a boundary and say, “Don’t talk to me like that” or “Don’t treat me that way!” And you are responsible for how you are treated.
However, cycles of abuse and bullying leave a victim reeling and PTSD stops a person from setting boundaries because they are too traumatized to be assertive in certain situations. This allows new abusers and bullies to walk in and walk all over. This perpetuates cycles. I think bystanders are the key.
So it is the person’s bad behavior or it is how a SOCIAL GROUP (family, workplace, church,etc.) ALLOWS the person to act.
我认为两者兼有。我认为有时候设定一个界限并说“不要那样和我说话”或“不要那样对待我”是很容易的。你要为别人对待你的方式负责。
然而，循环性的虐待和欺凌会让受害者感到眩晕，创伤后应激障碍会阻止一个人设定界限，因为他们受到的创伤太大，在某些情况下无法自信。这就使得新的施暴者和恶霸有机可乘之机。这会使循环永久化。我认为旁观者是关键。
所以这是一个人的不良行为或者是一个社会群体(家庭，工作场所，教堂等)允许人这样做。
There is a lot of reasons people just treat you badly right out of the chute. You have asked two questions. Are they treating you this way because of their bad behavior or because of your bad behavior. Only you can answer these questions. Why would you allow them to treat you this way? Or ha this behavior of theirs been an ongoing thing. So do they always treat this way? That sounds like you are allowing this behavior as an ongoing issue. So why? So it sounds really like you are stuck with this. that you need to take care of. Confront them about their behavior and the bottom line is they have two choices, stop treating you without respect or you will have the terminate the relationship. It wouldn't be a bad thing to look into the mirror and ask yourself why you would permit anyone treating you like that.
人们一开始就对你不好的原因有很多。你问了两个问题。他们这样对待你是因为他们的不良行为还是因为你的不良行为? 只有你才能回答这些问题。你为什么要允许他们这样对你? 或者他们的这种行为是持续的。那么他们总是这样对待你吗? 听起来像是你允许这种行为成为一个持续的问题。为什么? 听起来你真的被困住了。你需要处理好。面对他们的行为，底线是他们有两个选择，停止不尊重你，否则你将终止这段关系。照照镜子，问问自己，为什么你会允许别人那样对待你，这并不是一件坏事。
Those that allow others to treat them badly aren't motavating or the cause of the bad behavior, they'er just a willing participant in that destructive behavior. People that enjoy hurting other are always searching out human punching bags and they always seem to find one.
那些允许别人对他们不好的人并不是在掩饰自己，也不是坏行为的原因，他们只是一个自愿参与这种破坏性行为的人。喜欢伤害别人的人总是在寻找人类沙包，而且他们似乎总能找到一个。
You don’t avoid them. You enforce boundaries and take action when they cross them (again). Tell them what they are doing to hurt/disrespect you and make it very clear that unless they change their behavior towards you, they cannot be a part of your life anymore.
I used to avoid people who treated me badly, and looking back, I wasted a lot of time & energy trying to “get away from” them when I could’ve simply told them to leave me alone & explained why.
In recent years, I’ve learned to speak up for myself, and it saves me from a lot of unnecessary pain. When someone treats me badly, I let them know they’re treating me badly & cut ties when they don’t stop. This might involve getting sassy, using colorful language & being an asshole about it, whatever it takes.
I will not suffer in silence or “be nice” about my pain to someone who is hurting me. Why should I? Why should you?
This is your life. You and only you gets to decide who you want in your life and how you want - or do not want - to be treated. This is why restraining orders exist.
If you insist on avoiding them without telling them you’re doing it & why, then it will be really difficult for you - more than it has to be.
Just put your foot down and tell them what you’re NOT going to continue tolerating from them. Let them know that either they can “cut the shit or get cut off.” Don’t be soft & squishy about it. Be stern. Be firm. TAKE NO SHIT FROM ANYBODY.
你不能回避他们。你要加强界限，当他们(再次)跨越界限时，你要采取行动。告诉他们做了什么伤害了你/不尊重你，并明确表示，除非他们改变对你的行为，否则他们将无法再成为你生活的一部分。
我曾经避开那些对我不好的人，现在回想起来，我浪费了大量的时间和精力试图“摆脱”他们，而我本可以简单地告诉他们不要打扰我，并解释原因。
近年来，我学会了为自己说话，这让我避免了很多不必要的痛苦。当有人对我不好时，我会让他们知道他们对我不好，如果他们继续对我不好，那就断绝联系。这可能需要变得野蛮，用丰富多彩的语言，尽一切努力表现得像个混蛋。
我不会默默地忍受痛苦，也不会对伤害我的人“友好”。我为什么要这样做？你为什么要这么做？
这是你的生活。只有你可以决定你想要什么样的人出现在你的生活中，以及你想要或不想要怎样被对待。这就是限制存在的原因。
如果你坚持回避他们，却不告诉他们你在这么做以及为什么，那么这对你来说真的很困难——比必须的要难得多。
你只要坚定立场，告诉他们你不会继续容忍他们。让他们知道，他们要么“少废话，要么切断联系。”不要在这件事上太软弱。要严厉。要坚定。不要听任何人的废话。
You should treat people the way they treat you. If they disrespected you make sure to disrespect them back. If you don’t they’ll only continue disrespecting you.
你应该以他们对待你的方式对待他们。 如果他们不尊重你，你也不用尊重他们。 如果你不这样做，他们只会继续不尊重你。
I think most often the people who mistreat you start off treating you kindly. If they show their bad side from the beginning you won't even get near them. Typically they start kind, mistreat you once as a test, apologize profusely and see if you forgive them, act kind again, mistreat you again now that they know you'll forgive them, rinse & repeat. The only way to handle mistreatment is to cease contact with that person.
我认为大多数情况下，虐待你的人一开始都会善待你。如果他们从一开始就表现出不好的一面，你甚至不会接近他们。通常情况下，他们一开始很友善，虐待你一次，作为测试，不断地道歉，看你是否原谅他们；再次表现得友善，现在他们知道你会原谅他们，再次虐待你，重复上述步骤。处理虐待的唯一方法是停止与此人接触。