已婚人士们有什么希望未婚人士知道的？
Married people of reddit, What something you wish unmarried people knew?
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谨慎结婚，认真结婚
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Married people of reddit, What something you wish unmarried people knew?
已婚人士们有什么希望未婚人士知道的？
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
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Being married shouldn’t take away from having a good relationship with yourself.
结婚不应该意味着你将要失去和自己的良好关系。
My wife's uncle officiated for us, as he has for other family members and friends. Before the ceremony he told us his "theory of love and marriage". He said many, if not most people look at marriage as two becoming one, but that's not accurate, healthy, or stable over any length of time. He said it's not two becoming one, it's two becoming three; there's each of us as separate individuals, and then us together as it's own creation. Each of those three needs love and care and attention.
我们的证婚人是我老婆的叔叔，他之前也给其他的家庭成员和朋友们证过婚。在结婚典礼开始之前，他就跟我们讲了他的“爱情与婚姻的理论”。他说过，有很多人，甚至绝大多数的人都把婚姻当成是两个人变成一个整体的过程，但这实际上是不准确的，不健康的，也是不论多久也会不稳定的。他说这不是两个人变成一个整体的过程，而是两个人变成三个人的过程，除了我们彼此作为独立的个体之外，我们加起来会额外变成一个人，那是婚姻的造物。这三个人，每一个都需要爱，需要关怀，需要注意。
我发现这是一个无比有帮助，健康，带来希望的建议。
In fact I'd argue it's highly important to make sure you take care of yourself because your personal difficulties are now felt by your spouse as well, especially if you can't attack the issue head on. It's okay to tell your spouse you need something for yourself.
事实上我想说的是，你一定要确保能够好好照顾好自己，因为现在你个人的困难也同样会被你的伴侣感受到，尤其是在你没办法正面应对问题的情况下。就算跟你的伴侣讲，你需要给自己一点时间，也是没问题的。
Being married showed me why I should like me, too.
结婚告诉了我我应该也喜欢我自己。
It’s okay to use two blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold ass cheeks because your spouse stole the blanket.
盖两张被子没什么的。没人喜欢醒来的时候屁股蛋子冻得梆硬，因为你爱人把被子给偷走了。
This was a game changer for us! We're both cold creatures but we both also like our space in bed. We'll cuddle for a few minutes then separate to our respective sides of the bed to actually sleep. We each have our own duvet and it works out perfectly!
这对我们来说简直是改变人生的大变化！我们两个人体温都很凉，但是我们也都喜欢在床上拥有自己的空间。所以我们会相互拥抱一阵子，然后再回到自己那边的被子里，准备睡觉。我们各盖各的，但结果非常完美！
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I heat up so quickly; my wife describes me as a 'furnace'. I want that physical contact at the end of the day, but there's no way I could fall sleep spooning her.
我会很快就变得很热乎，我老婆说我像个“小炉子”。我虽然想在一天结束的时候和另一半来点亲密接触，但是我根本没办法一边搂着她一边睡觉。
I usually end up sticking one leg outside of the blanket to act as a radiator while spooning. Sometimes I expose some of my back too.
我通常在侧身搂着对方的时候会把一根腿支棱出被子去，这样就可以散热了。有时候我也会把后背露出来。
I call my wife the furnace because she runs hot, and doesnt mind. She wants to cuddle but I will begin to literally sweat.
我管我老婆叫小炉子，因为她特别烫，并且她意识不到。她想要跟我亲昵一下，但是我会开始流汗。
i wish my wife liked her own space in bed, i woke up the other night and she was sleeping on top of me..literally no part of her body was on the mattress, it was all on me....i had to yeet her across the bed just so i could breath
我真希望我老婆能够好好睡在自己的床那半边，我有一天晚上醒来之后发现她睡在我顶上……真的，她浑身上下没有一处在床垫子上，全在我身上……我得把她挪到床那头去，然后我才能呼吸。
On a related note: spouses don't actually have to sleep in the same bed or even the same room. I snore and my wife is a major bed hog. I usually get up far earlier than she does. We sleep in separate rooms and are both very happy with the arrangement.
说一句相关的：夫妻其实不一定非要睡在同一张床，甚至同一个房间里。我会打呼噜，而我老婆特别喜欢睡觉。我通常会起得比她早很多。我们分房间睡，并且这么安排我们两个都很开心。
My parents have had separate bedrooms for about 12 years now. They have completely different sleeping schedules, interest in shows, as well as sleeping habits (my mom and I sleep in the dark, my dad with the ligha on). Plus my dad snores pretty loudly.
我父母已经分房间睡了差不多12年了。他们无论是睡眠规律，对电视节目的喜好还是睡眠习惯（我妈和我喜欢关灯睡，我爸喜欢开灯睡）。而且我爸打呼噜特别响。
但是他们早晨聊，下午聊，周末也聊，想聊就聊。有时他们会聊好几个小时，有时不会。
他们的婚姻是我所有近亲和远房亲戚里最健康的婚姻。
Your single problems will be your married problems. Marriage and your spouse can't fix you. Work on yourself as much as you can before you get married. For yourself and for your spouse.
你单身时的问题会变成你婚后的问题。婚姻和伴侣是不可能把你给修好的。所以在结婚之前自己赶紧把自己弄明白。不只是为了你自己，也是为了你的伴侣。
Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship...
结婚这件事本身不会解决你关系里的任何问题……
On the contrary, it is more or less guaranteed to make any problems you currently have worse.
恰恰相反，结婚这件事多少会让你现存的问题变得更严重。
Totally agree with this and the same with the kids point too. I’ve always thought marriage adds extra pressure in the legal confirmation of you being together and the vows you make to one another.
完全同意这一点，并且生孩子也是一样的。我一直觉得婚姻除了法律上的结合和誓约的结合之外，还会给你带来额外的压力。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
而孩子则会给你带来甚至更多的压力，你没有额外的时间奉献给另一半，所以你们的这段关系中之前本就存在的所有裂痕都会变成根本无法修复的裂谷。然而，如果这段婚姻本来在生孩子之前就岌岌可危的话，那我觉得孩子生下来之后你们也不会变好。
Pretty well written, my wife and I had minor problems that could all be managed by just chatting and hanging out together. We made each other happy enough just by being together that the minor stuff wouldn't even be an issue, so when we had a kid (which has been largely awesome) and our time together got turned into time for our daughter, we started to fight a lot more. Make time for mom and dad dates without the kid(s) for the good of you both, you need some time to just hangout and love each other.
写得非常不错，我和我老婆之前有过一些小问题，本来只要聊聊天，一起出去玩一玩就可以解决的。我们因为只需要在一起就可以让彼此很开心，所以那些小问题之前都没被我们当成什么问题。但是当我们生孩子之后（虽然总地来说是非常不错的体验），我们在一起的时间就变成了一起照顾女儿的时间，因此我们打架就会变得更频繁了。所以一定要为不用带孩子的爸爸妈妈约会分出一点时间来，这对你们两个都好，你需要一点时间来一起出去走走，来热爱彼此。
Same with having kids
生孩子也是一样的。
Onion article title that always made me laugh:
洋葱新闻有一篇文章总是能让我笑出来：
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
“自闭症孩子毁掉了一段他生来就要拯救的婚姻。”
The wedding is just one day and does not fix any issues. It goes back to the exact same relationship afterwards. And if you're lucky, that's a good thing.
婚礼只是一天而已，婚礼不会解决任何问题。之前是什么关系，之后你们还是什么关系。而且如果你们足够幸运，那这其实算是一件好事。
Yes, people always told me not to get married bc it changes your whole relationship. But it changed nothing for my husband and I. Just got some really good pics together and that’s about it, lol.
没错，人们总是跟我说你不要结婚，因为结婚会改变你们之间的关系，但实际上对我和我丈夫来说根本就没有改变。只是一起照了点好照片而已，差不多就没别的了。哈哈哈。
We got the "Everything changes after you get married!" stuff too. But it didn't change for us or our relationship.
我们也遇到过“你只要结婚，一切就都变啦”这种话。但是实际上无论是我们本人还是我们的关系，都没有变。
实际上变了的是其他所有人对待我们的方式，因为我们现在是一个传统的社交单位了，所以所有人都可以开始用刻板印象（“你老婆让吗？！”“把你给拴住了呀！”）然后开始问一些跟他们一点关系都没有的问题（“你什么时候才打算给他生个孩子？”“你们一家人不能没孩子呀”），然后表现的就像人生是个情节刻板的情景喜剧一样（“你不用回家给你丈夫做饭吗？”“什么，你丈夫做饭？你怎么把他教训出来的？！”）说实话人们现在跟我说的就只剩下结婚，生孩子，和结婚生孩子了。根本没人问我我做什么，所有人都在问我我丈夫做的是什么。
Yes and to go further with that: BABIES DON'T FIX RELATIONSHIPS! If you were struggling before then a baby is going to make those struggles even harder. Babies make fantastic relationships harder! Don't have a baby if you're having problems! Don't have a baby to "fix" things! Don't have a baby to try to keep your spouse from leaving! IT WONT WORK
没错，而且让我再延伸一点：生孩子是不会修复感情问题的！如果你们在生孩子之前就过不下去了，那生个孩子只会让你们更过不下去。就算是本来就很棒的一段关系，也会被孩子给弄糟的！你们要是有摩擦，就别要孩子！别指望孩子能解决你们的问题！别指望孩子能把你的伴侣拴住不让他离开！不管用！
"Hey, our relationship is hitting the rocks and we're both really stressed out about it which is making it even worse. You know what would fix this? Doing the most stressful thing to our lives we could possibly do in a deacdes long commitment we can't escape from!"
“嘿，我们的关系已经触底了，并且我们对此都感到压力山大，所以情况更复杂了。你知道什么能解决这件事吗？当然是去对我们来说压力最大的那件事，就是几十年如一日的漫长投入，而且我们谁都逃脱不了的那种！”
And better yet, let's do it while we're sleep-deprived for a few years! Yee-haw!!
而且更棒的是，我们可以为此缺好几年的觉！太牛逼啦！
This was what I wanted to say. The problems that existed before getting married will be there after the reception. Marriage doesn’t (and shouldn’t) change anything about your relationship.
我本来就想说这个。之前就存在的问题，在结婚之后仍旧会存在。婚姻不会（也不应该）改变你们的关系。
我有过一个朋友，她14岁开始的人生目标就是“长大，结婚，生孩子。”这一点从来都没变过。于是她长大了，跟头一个她能用威吓来使之与自己订婚的男人结婚了，然后互相认识之后不到两年就结婚了。我在婚礼之后几天去看她，半开玩笑地问“婚后生活怎么样啊？”
我永远也不会忘记她回答时声音里的那种困惑：“就好像只是在一起过日子一样。我以为会有什么不一样的地方。”
Yes! I got married about a year ago (on Halloween, actually) and ever since, a lot of people will ask "how's married life?" I always feel a little strange saying "pretty much the same as unmarried life" but it's true! We had lived together for about 5 years and dated for 8ish, so the only thing that changed is our taxes.
没错！我大概一年前（事实上正好是万圣节）结婚了，此后有特别多的人都在问我“婚后生活怎么样啊？”我总是觉得说“基本上跟没结婚之前没什么区别”好像不太对劲，但实际上确实如此！我们已经在一起生活了五年，交往了差不多八年，所以唯一改变的好像也只有我们要交的税。
As someone who's getting married in 3 days after being with the person for more than 8 years, this answer makes me smile. One of our celebrant's questions was "how will your life look like after you get married" and my instant response was "hopefully, exactly how it is now", which I know might be a rather naive sentiment, as we're getting older and are bound to experience some major life changes eventually, but I could not be happier with how we are now
作为一个在与和自己交往了八年多的人刚结婚三天的人，这个回答让我笑了出来。我们的司仪在问我们问题的时候，其中一个问题就是“你在结婚之后，人生会变成什么样子”，我当时的回答就是“希望就是和现在一模一样”，我知道这句可能多少有点天真，因为我们总是会老的，总是会经历一些重大人生变化的，但是现在这个样子我已经开心得不能再开心了。
Audry Hepburn is quoted as saying "Success is like reaching an birthday and realizing you're exactly the same."
奥黛丽·赫本曾经说过，“成功就好像是过生日的时候发现自己跟去年一样。”
我在遇到任何里程碑式的时刻的时候，都会想起这句话。
A gracious heartfelt apology goes a long way.
一句发自内心的，充满感激的道歉，是非常非常有用的。
Adding on to this… Make sure to be accepting of heartfelt apologies as well.
除此之外……一定要确定你也要接受这种发自内心的道歉。
记仇在一段关系中永远没有好处。学会原谅你的伴侣，尤其是当他们决定道歉，决定试着让自己变得更好的时候。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Adding more to that… when someone admits they’re wrong, do NOT rub it in their face! Thats exactly why no one will admit they’re wrong. Pride destroys everything
此外还有一点……当有人承认自己错了的时候，千万不要当面再损他！这正就是没人愿意承认自己错了的原因。傲慢会毁掉一切的。
Yes, and it's OK to admit you are wrong. Because we are ALL wrong sometimes. Being pigheaded and stubborn doesn't accomplish anything.
没错，而且承认自己错了也没有任何问题。因为我们总是都会犯错误的。当个固执的猪头不会给你带来任何成就。
You don't have to argue or "fight". You're different people and it's OK to not agree on everything. It would be weird if you did!
你不一定非得争论或者“吵架”。你们是不一样的人，所以彼此互相不同意也没有任何问题。要是都互相同意，那反而太怪啦！
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
我看到有很多人都在“争吵”，因为他们希望对方能够接受并且认同他们的观点。不如承认你们彼此不同，并且一起找点乐子。因为除了互相爱恋之外，你们也应该互相喜欢。
Ideally, you don't fight each other- you negotiate and discuss. You fight together on problems.
在理想的情况下，你们不应该互相争吵——你们应该协商、应该讨论。你们应该共同去与问题斗争。
As an unmarried person, 100% agree. I’ve had a lot of people say stuff like “if you don’t fight and argue, it’s not a real relationship because you won’t always agree.” Like babe, let’s address why you think that disagreeing with your partner must always result in an argument. I get that sometimes people are frustrated and lose their cool but from my point of view, you have to recognise when that’s happening because your partner doesn’t deserve to be berated or yelled at just because you can’t manage your emotions.
作为一个没结婚的人，我100%赞同这句话，我之前听过有很多人说“如果你不吵架，你就不是在真正的和别人处对象，因为你们不可能永远互相认同”。但是兄弟，有没有一种可能，跟你的伴侣发生分歧不一定就意味着跟你的伴侣吵一架呢？我知道有时候人们会生气，会失去控制，但是从我的角度来看，当这种事情发生的时候你得意识到这一点，因为你的伴侣又不是活该在你控制不住自己情绪的时候被你喊来喊去。
I'm the person who gets mad and then steps back to figure out why I'm mad.
我就是那个经常生气，但是会退后一步想明白自己为什么生气的人。
我丈夫每天都会把我惹急眼好几次。但是他从来都意识不到，因为把我惹急眼的这些事情都很傻逼。他因为没把东西放到我觉得应该放的位置，让我生气了。这是吵架的原因吗？说实话，如果你天天都把牛奶放在橱柜上，那可能没问题（当然我们俩绝对不是这种情况），但是把蛋黄酱放到碗橱上而不是放回冰箱里，这又不是错事，因为它放那本来也没问题。
所以你可以冷静下来，然后跟他聊一聊，而不用非得吵起来。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Compromise is not a sign of weakness. It is done out of respect for your spouse.
妥协不是示弱。妥协是尊重你的伴侣。
Also, not everything requires compromise. Sometimes the answer is, you both do your own thing separately. Think about what the impact a decision has on you and your partner before going immediately into negotiations.
而且不是所有事情都需要妥协，有时正确的答案是，你们两个各自都去做自己该做的事情。在立刻互相协商之前，先想想看这个决策对你和你的伴侣各自都有什么样的影响。
People forget, that you can try one thing THEN the other later. A lot of choices in life aren't mutually exclusive.
人们会忘记，你可以先尝试一件事，然后晚些时候再尝试另一件事。人生中的很多选择并不是互斥的。
Yeah, my wife is very approval-seeking but for reversible decisions with a low impact I struggle not to just say, "I don't care, do what you feel". One of the ways she needs respect in the relationship is to feel like the things she brings to me aren't frivolous and unimportant so I've become really good at asking her what she thinks and then saying "that sounds good to me" without sounding dismissive. All part of the service.
没错，我老婆就非常希望得到他人的认可，但是对于那些本来就两个都行，而且结果也没什么影响的选择来说，我很难不只说一句“可以啊，你怎么办都行”。她在感情关系之中得到尊重的其中一种方式，就是希望觉得自己向我提出的那些问题不是鸡毛蒜皮、无关紧要的。所以我现在就非常擅长问她一句她怎么看，然后再用听起来不那么疏离的预期说一句“我觉得可以”。都是服务的一部分。
I’m very similar to your wife. I always need to get validation from one important party I respect (usually my dad) or multiple parties because I often second-guess myself. It’s definitely a trauma response and I know that, but it still helps in most situations, even the more minor ones, to get a different, more obxtive viewpoint.
我和你老婆很像。我也总是需要从重要的、我尊敬的一个或多个方面（通常是我老爸）得到认可，因为我经常会怀疑自己。他们的回应绝对会很伤我的心，我也知道这一点，但是他们的意见仍旧能够在绝大多数情况下帮到我，即便是那些无关紧要的问题。我能够因此获得不同的、更客观的视角。
听起来你处理得不错，我要为你对你老婆的需求和人格十分敏感而表扬你的做法。
Someone told me that, when a problem comes up, think of it as 'we as a couple are collaborating on a solution ' rather than ' one of us will have to compromise', which makes it feel combative.
有人跟我说过，当问题出现的时候，你应该的想法是“我们夫妇要合作拿出一个解决方案”，而不是“我们总得有一个人要妥协”，后者会更有火药味儿。
当然了，最终的结果可能确实是你们中有一个人需要妥协，但视角的不同也会让交谈的过程变得不同。
Common values matter way more than common interests.
共同价值观比共同利益重要的多。
This is a really great way to say this. Just think of any interest you have, you attained that interest over time. You and your partner will each take on some of the others interests over time, and some will stay your own, and you'll find others ath the intersection of your interest neither of you might have tried alone.
这真的说得非常好。只要想想你之前有过的兴趣，不论是什么，你都是慢慢获得的。你和你的伴侣每个人都会慢慢理解对方的兴趣，并且其中的一些会变成你自己的兴趣。你也会发现你们两个的兴趣交叉点，尝试一些之前从未一起尝试过的东西。
Yes! My husband is big into video games, but I didn't play much before him. He has introduced me to a few that I LOVE. I really enjoy asking him about his games and what he's playing now and hearing him talk about all the wacky stuff they do and what's fun about it (or not fun about it). And sometimes, I hear about a game that sounds fun to me, too, and I try it out.
没错！我老公特别喜欢电子游戏，但是我在认识他之前没怎么玩过。他给我介绍了一些我特别喜欢的。我也很喜欢向他了解他的游戏，他正在玩的游戏是什么，听他聊游戏里他们做的各种疯狂的事情，以及哪里好玩（还有哪里不好玩）。有时我会觉得某个游戏听起来对我来说也挺有意思的，我就会试试。
我特别喜欢运动，但他从来都没对运动有过很大的兴趣。我向他介绍了橄榄球，跟他讲了一下为什么这是个特别钻牛角尖的运动，看起来为什么特别有意思。然后是棒球（谢谢你啊，疫情！）。现在我们既会一起看比赛，也会一起打游戏。但我们刚认识的时候，彼此之间没有一样是共同的。但是我们的思维过程是类似的，我们喜欢上一些东西的理由也是类似的。所以只要一介绍，我们就会有共同的立场。
It’s not you vs spouse. It’s you and spouse vs problem.
不是你VS你爱人。而是你和你爱人VS问题。
That not teaming up thing is often the root cause of divorce.
无法团结起来，通常都是离婚的根源。
Exactly what I told my ex, we stopped being a team and everything went downhill.
我跟我老婆就是这么说的，我们没办法作为一个团队继续下去了，此后的一切就都在走下坡路。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. Get help if things seem too hard. My wife and I both carried a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage. A councilor helped is both understand that and gave us tools to handle it. We're would have divorced without the help.
结婚简单。保持婚姻很难。如果实在太难，那就寻求帮助。我和我老婆都把一些童年时的伤痛带进了婚姻。但是有一个调节者理解我们，并且给了我们应对问题的工具。如果没有他的帮助，我们就离婚了。
It’s better to stay single forever than to marry the wrong person
宁愿一辈子单身，也不要娶错人。
We had a pastor at a church that used to ask, "Whats going to happen when you get married and THEN you meet 'the one'?"
我们教堂有个牧师以前喜欢问，“要是你先结婚了，然后才遇到那个对的人，你要怎么办？”
Spending time with my wife is neither a burden or a chore. She was my best friend before we even started dating, of course i enjoy hanging out with her.
和我老婆一起花点时间，既不是什么负担也不是什么劳累的事情。她早在我们开始处对象之前就是我最好的朋友了，我当然喜欢跟她一起出去。
Dude, yes! I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't enjoy spending time with him, wtf. Hate when my coworkers sit around shit-talking their spouses and I'm just there like...cool, y'all sound toxic, I actually like my husband and look forward to chilling with him every day.
兄弟，太对啦！我要是不喜欢和我老公在一起，我也不会嫁给他，草了。我真不喜欢同事们坐在一圈说自己爱人闲话的样子，我就觉得你们都有毒，我可喜欢我老公了，我每天都想跟他待在一起。
Covid really brought this to the forefront and shined a spotlight on a lot of people’s relationships. During the height of it all when things were locked down, I would say to my wife at least one a week “I’m so glad we like each other”. I’m not saying it was easy by any means, but definitely easier doing it with someone you enjoy being around, and I was shocked to see how many couples that wasn’t the case.
新冠真的把这一切带到了台前，并且照亮了很多人的关系。在封城最严重的时候，我会至少一星期和我老婆说一次“我真庆幸我们喜欢彼此”。说这句话一点也不容易，但如果是对你喜欢的人说的话显然要容易得多。并且我们都很惊讶，有很多对夫妻不会这么做。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Saying “let me ask my wife” doesn’t mean I’m asking permission. We’re a team, we make decisions together. Also, if it’s about going to or doing something, I’m really forgetful and want to make sure we haven’t already made plans.
我说“让我问问我老婆”，意思不是我需要征求许可。我们是个团队，我们要一起做出决策。此外，如果是要一起去哪里，或者一起做什么事情的话，我特别健忘，所以我得确认一下我们是不是已经做过计划了。
Yes! Me talking to my husband about plans doesn't mean he's controlling or that I can't do what I want; I'm just trying to make sure I didn't forget we're doing something that night, and I'm also not about to commit him to plans without actually seeing if he's into them first.
没错！我跟我老公讨论一下计划，也并不意味着他控制我了或者我什么都做不了。我只是想确保我是不是忘了本来那天晚上要做什么，我也不想在不知道他喜不喜欢的前提下，就提前保证他会一起来。