为什么英国人与家人的关系似乎不如其他国家的人亲密？（1）
Why do English people seem to be less close to their families than other countries?
译文简介
我的绝大多数美国朋友都经常与他们的家人联系，说他们多么想念他们的家人，并经常讲述涉及他们的故事。
正文翻译
Why do English people seem to be less close to their families than other countries?
为什么英国人与家人的关系似乎不如其他国家的人亲密？
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I've also noticed this amongst all my South East Asian friends from China, Korea, Taiwan, Vietnam etc . Tbh I'd probably include all my friends from South America, Africa and most of Europe as well.
When living abroad I find 90% of English people will go weeks or months without talking to their family, unless they need something or are obliged to due to birthdays etc. When they do have to make that minimal contact they are often complaining about it before or after.
If you ask them about their parents or siblings lives they just give a very short answer and show no emotion then change the subject.
Within the UK I noticed similar things.
I just think it's weird as I have hung out with people from over 100 countries and only ever felt this about English people.
我的绝大多数美国朋友都经常与他们的家人联系，说他们多么想念他们的家人，并经常讲述涉及他们的故事。
我还注意到，我所有来自中国、韩国、台湾（地区）、越南等地的东南亚朋友都是如此。老实说，可能还包括我所有来自南美、非洲和欧洲大部分地区的朋友。
在国外生活时，我发现90%的英国人会连续数周或数月不与家人交谈，除非他们需要什么或由于生日等原因不得不这样做。当他们不得不进行这种最低限度的接触时，他们往往会在之前或之后抱怨。
如果你问起他们的父母或兄弟姐妹的生活，他们只是给出一个非常简短的答案，不表现出任何情绪，然后就换个话题。
在英国国内，我也注意到类似的事情。
我只是觉得这很奇怪，因为我和来自100多个国家的人混在一起，只对英国人有过这种感觉。
IMHO it just varies.
The vast majority of British people I know speak to or see SOME of their family all the time too.
However, bear in mind that British people are quite generally private. I would never discuss my interactions with my family, or show any emotion about them, with anyone I did not know really really well. Unless directly interrogated, I would never reveal how often I see or speak to relatives.
我认为这只是因人而异。
我认识的绝大多数英国人也经常与他们的家人交谈或见面。
然而，请记住，英国人一般都很注重隐私。我绝不会与任何我不熟悉的人讨论我与家人的互动，或对他们表现出任何情绪。除非被直接审问，否则我绝不会透露我与亲戚见面或交谈的频率。
Yeah fully agree with this
I ring my parents every week and speak to them for 30/40 minutes but I don’t talk about doing this even with my close mates
I speak to my brother a couple of times a week
Most people I know do the same, but again only know this if I’m round my mates and they pop out to call their parents it’s not something we talk about
是的，完全同意这一点
我每周都会给我的父母打电话，和他们谈30/40分钟，但我不会和别人谈论我这样做，即使是和我的亲密伙伴们。
我每周和我的兄弟说几次话。
我认识的大多数人都是这样，但也只有在我和朋友们在一起的时候才知道，他们会突然给他们的父母打电话，这不是我们会谈论的事情。
I would never reveal how often I see or speak to relatives.
Yeah fully agree with this
Proceeds to give details on parental contact
“我绝不会透露我与亲戚见面或说话的频率。”
“是的，完全同意这一点”
然后在这里提供关于与父母联系的细节
Reddit is anonymous. Just like talking about your salary here is different to telling your school friends.
Reddit是匿名的。就像在这里谈论你的工资与告诉你的学校朋友是不同的。
It’s pretty hard to explain that English people do talk to their parents and don’t tell people about it without saying as an English person I talk to my parents and don’t tell people about it
如果不说出作为一个英国人，我和我的父母说话，不会告诉别人，就很难解释英国人确实和他们的父母说话，并且不告诉别人。
I'm in Scotland so maybe a bit different but I am quite close with my mum and speak to my brothers weekly maybe.
Saying that though if I take my mum out shopping I usually wear a balaclava so no one knows it's me taking her out. Just don't want anybody to find out.
我在苏格兰，所以可能有点不同，但我和我妈妈关系很好，可能每周都会和我的兄弟说说话。
不过，如果我带我妈妈出去购物，我通常会戴上巴拉克拉法帽，这样就不会有人知道是我带她出去的。只是不想让别人发现这一点。
I do think OP was conflating England with UK, they only actually mention the UK and English people never England itself
Regardless, I’ve lived all over the UK and think there’s more similarities than differences between all of the home nations
I’ve lived in Scotland for the past 7 years and everything I outlined in my original comment applies to my mates here
Can only imagine your mum’s also wearing a balaclava to avoid being seen with you
我也认为OP是把英格兰和英国混为一谈了，他们实际上只提到了英国和英国人，而不是英格兰本身。
不管怎么说，我在英国各地生活过，认为所有地区之间与母国的相似之处多于差异。
我在苏格兰生活了7年，我在最初的评论中概述的一切都适用于我在这里的朋友们。
我只能想象你妈妈也戴着巴拉克拉法帽，以避免被人看到和你在一起。
Aye she actually makes me wear the balaclava so she's not seen with me.
I just tell myself it's the other way about.
是的，实际上是她让我戴着帽子，这样她就不会被发现和我在一起逛街了。
我只是换了一种陈述方式。
and when people do talk about family, there tends to be a lot of jokey obfuscation which op might be talking too seriously
i probably call my siblings dickhead more than their actual names, but that doesn't mean we're any less close, literally the opposite
当人们谈论家庭的时候，往往会有很多开玩笑的混淆视听的东西，可能是OP说话太认真了，没有察觉。
我可能叫我的兄弟姐妹白痴多于他们的真实姓名，但这并不意味着我们的关系不那么亲密，实际上正好相反。
Agree!
My immediate family all live nearby and I see them/speak to them really regularly. We're pretty close.
If a stranger asked me though? I'd give them minimum information as it would feel really weird to tell them my family member's personal life history or gush about how close we are.
同意!
我的直系亲属都住在附近，我真的经常看到他们/和他们说话。我们很亲近。
但如果有陌生人问我？我会给他们最低限度的信息，因为告诉他们我的家庭成员的个人生活史或大谈我们有多亲近，会感觉非常奇怪。
This makes perfect sense to me, and may well be why OP doesn't hear much about their British friends' families.
It is, however, pretty far from my personal experience. My friends and I talk about our families often, including our extended families.
So it's just as you say - it simply varies.
这对我来说非常有道理，也很可能是为什么OP不怎么听他的英国朋友说起自己的家庭。
然而，这与我的个人经历相差甚远。我的朋友和我经常谈论我们的家庭，包括我们的大家庭。
所以就像你说的那样--这只是因人而异。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I'm a very private person so it was nice to read this. Even when close friends ask and I'm happy to answer I worry about "oversharing".
Despite that, it is nice to talk to close friends about stuff on occasion. Just because we're private doesn't mean we don't care.
我是一个非常注重隐私的人，所以读到这个很高兴。即使亲密的朋友问起，我也很乐意回答，我还是担心"过度分享"。
尽管如此，偶尔和亲密的朋友谈论一些事情是很好的。仅仅因为我们注重隐私并不意味着我们不关心。
Not everyones family are good people. I do not really speak to one of my parents due to the mental abuse they inflicted on me when I was a child - you reap what you sow as that parent will be lucky if I even turn up to their funeral.
不是每个家庭里的都是好人。我不太和我的父母之一说话，因为他们在我小时候对我进行了精神虐待--种瓜得瓜，种豆得豆，如果我会去参加他们的葬礼，他们应该感到幸运。
Also the economy has forced us to live in smaller houses away from where our parents live and we have gruelling commutes to work.
另外，经济形势迫使我们住在远离父母住处的小房子里，而且我们上班的路程也很辛苦。
I totally agree.
I have had several partners from different nations and the over riding impression they get when they meet my family is they feel we are very aggressive/sarcastic in the way we talk to each other but after more exposure they say you really love each other but it comes across as though we don't.
Had a Greek girlfriend who bugged me to tell my ma I loved her, Ma's response "are ye pissed? Why're saying that? What do you want?"
我完全同意。
我有过几个来自不同国家的伴侣，当他们见到我的家人时，他们得到的印象是他们觉得我们彼此交谈的方式非常具有侵略性/讽刺性，但在更多的接触之后，他们说你们真的很爱对方，但我们的表现却好像不是这样。
我有一个希腊女友，她缠着让我告诉我妈妈我爱她，妈妈的反应是"你生气了吗？为什么这么说？你想要什么？"
Ah yes, that old bit of dialogue in every British family:
A: I love you
B: What do you want?
啊，是的，每个英国家庭中的那段老对话：
A：我爱你
B：你想要什么？
Why would you keep that private? What would someone do with the information about how your family is doing?
你为什么要保密呢？有人会用你的家庭情况的信息做什么吗？
It could be the mentality that we don't bother with toxic people, and that includes family. I think the UK is a very individualistic society.
这可能是我们不屑于和有毒的人打交道的心态，这也包括家庭。我认为英国是一个非常个人化的社会。
Definitely. I'm Scottish, so I don't know much it differs in England, but I'll drop a family member in an instant if they start negatively impacting me too much. I don't consider someone special just because we share genetics.
I've noticed that most other cultures put family at the peak of importance. Even if they fuck you over, they're still family and all that jazz. Well, I say fuck that.
绝对的。我是苏格兰人，所以我不知道在英国有什么不同，但如果一个家庭成员开始对我产生负面的影响，我就会在瞬间放弃他。我不会因为我们有共同的基因就认为某人很特别。
我注意到，大多数其他文化都把家庭放在最重要的位置。即使他们把你搞得一团糟，但“你们还是一家人啊”之类的。好吧，我会说去你妈的。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
When I stopped talking to my father for abusing my mother, my Indian and African friends were shocked; no matter what they have done, they are your family etc. This is why their parents think they can do and say anything they want. Utter bullshit.
当我因为父亲虐待母亲而不再跟他说话时，我的印度和非洲朋友都很震惊；无论他们做了什么，他们都是你的家人等等。这就是为什么他们的父母认为他们可以随便做什么，说什么。完全是胡说八道。
Same here, I'm Welsh! A lot of people seem to put up with toxic family and friends just to say they have family and friends.
我也一样，我是威尔士人! 很多人似乎忍受着有毒的家人和朋友，只是为了说他们有家人和朋友。
100%. I've grown up around a load of fucked up personality disordered people and even those who aren't that bad have issues I wouldn't tolerate in a friend. I like peace and harmony, not a fan of dramatics or people who keep making the same mistakes without learning.
My mum was very family oriented and the entire thing fell apart when she died. I suppose it fell to me to keep it together and I just didn't want to. I feel bad, I know people are just being who they are and they will be hurt by my lack of engagement/interest but I've just had enough and want to move on from the past.
100%。我在很多人格混乱的人身边长大，即使那些没有那么糟糕的人也有我无法容忍的问题。我喜欢和平与和谐，不喜欢戏剧性的东西，也不喜欢那些不断犯同样错误而不从中学习的人。
我妈妈非常注重家庭，她去世后，整个家庭都崩溃了。我想维持家庭的责任落在了我身上，而我根本不想这么做。我感觉很糟糕，我知道人们只是在做他们自己，他们会因为我对家庭的缺乏参与/兴趣而受到伤害，但我已经受够了，想从过去的事情中走出来。
I was raised to see Family as the most important thing. "We cannot function without each other."
Then I met my now Wife, and she asked why my family was so mean to me... I never saw it, but her asking that lifted the veal.
We may be family, but they all bullied me - I was just a punching bag to them.
We ended up moving county, and we rarely have contact with them.
I talk to my Mum, maybe one every 2-3 months; my older sister about every 2 weeks. Anyone else, not at all. They complain that we don't talk much, but they don't put in any effort - every time we talk, I've rang them.
And... I'm much happier without them. They stress me out; we certainly can function without each other.
我从小就把家庭看作是最重要的事情。"没有对方，我们无法好好活着"。
然后我遇到了我现在的妻子，她问我的家人为什么对我这么刻薄。我从来没有想过，但她的话让我明白了这一点。
我们也许是一家人，但他们都欺负我--我对他们来说只是一个出气筒。
我们最后搬到了县城，很少和他们联系。
我会和我妈妈说话，可能每2-3个月一次；我姐姐大约每2周一次。其他的人，根本就没有。他们抱怨我们不怎么说话，但他们也没有付出任何努力--每次我们说话时，都是我给他们打电话。
而且...没有他们，我更快乐。他们给我带来了压力；没有对方，我们当然可以正常生活。
Agreed. Friends are the family you choose. If a family member acts like an arsehole to me it wouldn't matter that they're related to me, I wouldn't put up with that shit if it were a friend, so why should I put up with that shit from a family member?
同意。朋友是你选择的家人。如果一个家庭成员在我面前表现得像个混蛋，那么他们与我有什么关系，如果对于一个朋友，我不会忍受这种糟心事，那么我为什么要忍受一个家庭成员的这种糟心事？
i minored in anthro, and one of the most interesting topics to me was something called The Hajnal Line.
it basically separates northwestern europe from the rest of the world. above the hajnal line, society is very individualistic. for centuries, both boys and girls as teens would leave their parents’ house to work as servants or apprentices or whatever and get married in their mid twenties once they had saved up enough money to buy some land and start a family.
this differs wildly from most of the world, southern europe included, where multigenerational homes are the norm and marriages more closely resemble a teenaged girl being picked out by elders to be more or less bought by a typically older man. the entire society is just a lot more autonomous and individualistic and you can see the ramifications today.
this post is interesting, that they mentioned americans. i’m american, and here there’s a huge stereotype that white people are super distant from their families and kids leave the nest early (it’s changing just due to housing prices, but still, here, white americans will move out after high school if they have the means, usually). i know that europeans mock americans for saying stuff like “i’m german” when they just mean that’s their heritage, but the thing is that even when it’s like 3 or 4 generations removed from immigration., there are stil observable effects. like, people who have for instance italian or greek ancestry are probably going to be closer with their families and less likely to move out at like 19, even if they don’t speak the language and have never been outside of the country, stuff like that usually lasts a while.
i’m a very white american and my family is the way you described the british to be. people are pretty quick to cut their family off if they don’t get along for whatever reason. you see this way less among like hispanic or asian or even white people w southern or eastern europe ancestry here.
there are a lot of cons and a lot of pros with this kind of paradigm. i’m biased but i think there are definitely more pros, especially because i’m a woman. it’s yes wonderful when you have a family you feel truly a part of and loyal to no matter what, but it also enables a LOT of abuse and control, and in collective societies women tend to very often get the brunt of it.
我辅修了人类学，其中一个最有趣的话题是叫做哈伊纳尔线的东西。
这条线基本上将欧洲西北部与世界其他地区分开。在哈伊纳尔线以上，社会是非常个人化的。几个世纪以来，十几岁的男孩和女孩都会离开父母的房子，去做仆人或学徒或其他什么工作，一旦他们攒够了钱，就会在20多岁时结婚，买一些土地并建立一个家庭。
这与世界上大多数地方大不相同，包括南欧，那里多代同堂是常态，婚姻更像是一个十几岁的女孩被长辈挑选出来，或多或少被一个典型的老男人买走。这里整个社会都更加自主和个人主义，你可以看到今天的后果。
这个帖子很有意思，他们提到了美国人。我是美国人，这里有一个巨大的刻板印象，即白人与他们的家庭超级疏远，孩子们很早就离开家庭（现在这种情况正在由于房价而变化，但在这里，美国白人如果有能力，通常会在高中后搬出去）。例如，有意大利或希腊血统的人可能会与他们的家人更亲近，不太可能在19岁时搬出去，即使他们不会说语言，也从未出过国，这样的事情通常会持续一段时间。我知道当美国人谈论他们的遗产时，欧洲人喜欢用“我是德国人”这样的话来嘲笑美国人，但问题是，即使距离初代移民已经有3到4代人的距离，实际上还是存在一些可观察到的影响。比如，有意大利或希腊血统的人可能会和家人更亲近，而且不太可能在19岁左右搬出去，即使他们已经不会祖籍的语言，也从未离开过美国，这样的“遗传”是通常会持续一段时间的。
我是一个白得不能再白的美国白人，我的家庭就是你所描述的英国人。如果人们因为什么原因相处不好，他们很快就会断绝家庭关系。你很少在西班牙裔、亚洲人甚至有南亚或东欧血统的白人中看到这种情况。
适用这种范式有很多缺点和很多优点。我存在偏见，所以我认为这么做优点更多，尤其是因为我是一个女性。是的，当你有一个家庭并且觉得自己是真正的一部分时，无论如何，这是美妙的，但这也导致了很多虐待和控制，在集体社会中，女性往往首当其冲。
Yeah my mother was American born and raised and dropped her entire family before I was born. I was 15 before I knew I had a living grandparent. Complete disconnect with any sense of family. In turn, I disconnected from my mother. Finally found a sister and we are close. Close to daughter too for which I'm glad and grateful
是的，我的母亲是在美国出生和长大的，在我出生前他就放弃了她的整个家庭。我15岁时才知道我还有一个活着的祖父母。与其他人的家庭的感觉完全脱节。反过来，我也与我母亲断绝了联系。最后找到了一个妹妹，我们很亲近。我与女儿也很亲近，对此我很高兴和感激。
I think there's a lot of truth to that. My own mum had no trouble dropping family members for various sins (real and imaginary), and as a result I hardly know any of my own family.
我认为这话很真实。我自己的妈妈因为嫌弃家庭成员的各种罪过（真实的和想象的）而毫不犹豫地抛弃了他们，结果我几乎不认识自己的家人。
Oh big time. You don't need to be malicious when you cut someone out of your life, you just stop bothering with them, and I feel like us Brits are actually really good at that
确实。当你把某人从你的生活中删除时，你不需要恶意，你只需要停止与他们纠缠，而且我觉得我们英国人实际上真的很擅长这个。
They just don't tell you about it. Other folks constantly blab their private business to everyone. You don't need to know I just talked to my Mam. In fact, I most definitely do not want you to know that. They aren't that close to you, otherwise it would be different.
他们只是不告诉你而已。其他的人则经常向所有人透露他们的私事。你不需要知道我刚刚和我妈妈谈过。事实上，我绝对不想让你知道。他们和你并不那么亲近，否则就不一样了。
I've wondered this myself. Firstly, the British are much more emotionally reserved. Certainly my parents (boomer) generation, and their friends, were completely emotionally unavailable when I was growing up. They were nice people, but in my house you never, ever, talked about your feelings, fears, insecurites, hopes, nothing. I certainly wouldn't ever talk anything ‘deep’ or not surface level with my grandparents, who were the war generation.
I found that once I got older I was so starved of emotional language and being able to articulate in an open way, that I found friends and non-family members to fill this gap. They gave me what I needed, whereas my family never had.
So now I talk to family members occasionally, enjoy their company when I see them, have a laugh at family events; but we’ve all found others to fill the emotional gap and to share our lives with. If I was upset, or sad, or happy, I wouldn't phone any family members because we never did that in my house. I dosen't make me sad. It’s just a reality. Culturally, many British families just aren't close in that way.
我自己也想过这个问题。首先，英国人在感情上要矜持得多。而且在我成长过程中，我的父母（婴儿潮一代）和他们的朋友完全不怎么表露感情。他们是好人，但在我的家里，你永远不会谈论你的感受、恐惧、不安全感、希望，什么都没有。我也当然不会和我的祖父母谈论任何"深层次"或不属于表面的东西，他们是战争年代的人。
我发现一旦我长大了，我是如此渴望情感语言和能够以开放的方式表达，所以我找到了朋友和非家庭成员来填补这一空白。他们给了我我需要的东西，而我的家人却从来没有。
因此，现在我偶尔会与家人交谈，见到他们时享受他们的陪伴，在家庭活动中开怀大笑；但我们都找到了其他人来填补情感上的空白，与他们分享我们的生活。如果我不高兴，或悲伤，或高兴，我不会给任何家庭成员打电话，因为我们在家里从来不这样做。我在家里不会没让自己表现得难过。这只是一个现实。从文化上讲，许多英国家庭并不那么亲密。
That's pretty sad tho. My parents are of the boomer generation and we could talk with them about anything. They would always ask about my feelings, dreams etc and help me follow them. I think I massively benefitted from that. For me, it's just an individual thing
这真是太悲哀了。我的父母是婴儿潮一代，我们可以和他们谈论任何事情。他们总是会问我的感受、梦想等，并帮助我追寻它们。我认为我从中受益匪浅。对我来说，这是因人而异的事情。
Sad to you maybe but they said they get their emotional fill from others and still have a laugh with their family. Doesn't really seem that sad to me.
对你来说也许很悲哀，但他们说他们从别人那里得到了情感上的满足，并且仍然和他们的家人有说有笑。在我看来，这并不真的很悲哀。
I think it's just another way of living. Probably the intimacy issues I got from my childhood but I don't like the idea of being that close to anyone, particularly not in a bonded family where I'm beholden to everyone else's ideas of what I should be doing and how. Maybe I just can't imagine what a healthy family is like though.
我认为这只是另一种生活方式。可能是我从小就有亲密关系的问题，我不喜欢和任何人亲近的想法，尤其是在一个有关系的家庭里，我得听从其他人的想法，说我应该做什么，怎么做。也许我只是无法想象一个健康的家庭是什么样子。
I connect with a lot of what you said, as adults my older sisters have tried to push for our relationship, make up for lost time from when we were kids but I just don't have that family connection. Like you said, like them, enjoy hanging out with them, want the best for them but i just don't have the emotional capacity to maintain that kind of relationship. also hate the "why don't you call me" from my mum who doesn't even call me, and I'm secretly happy she doesn't because i hate her
我和你说的很多都都共情，作为成年人，我的姐姐们都试图推动我们的关系，弥补我们小时候失去的时光，但我就是没有办法产生那种家庭联系。就像你说的，我喜欢她们，喜欢和她们一起玩，希望对她们最好，但我就是没有情感能力来维持这种关系。我也讨厌从来不打电话给我的妈妈说"你为什么不给我打电话"，对于这点我暗自高兴，因为我讨厌她。
I agree 100%. I think we're doing a bit better with the next generation though.
我100%同意。但我认为我们得和下一代在这方面做得更好一些。
I promise I'm trying with my kids! We talk about all sorts of stuff and are very close even now they're teenagers. But I don't think my parents or siblings know anything about my emotional life most conversations are kept to things that happened but never what was felt about it.
我保证我在和我的孩子们一起努力! 我们谈论各种各样的东西，即使现在他们已经十几岁了，也非常亲密。但我认为我的父母或兄弟姐妹对我的情感生活一无所知，大多数谈话都只停留在发生的事情上，但从来不触及感受。
Just today my mum whatsapped me "how are you?" and I'm just like i don't know what to say, because I would like to have more of a conversation than "good you?" "good" but despite having known her for 28 years it is like there is nothing to say, she might as well be a stranger
就在今天，我妈妈给我打了个电话："你好吗？"而我不知道该说什么，因为我想有更多的对话，而不是"你好吗？" "我很好"，但尽管我认识她28年了，我还是觉得没什么可说的，她仿佛是个陌生人。
Holy shit! You just articulated exactly how and why my relationship is with my family. Very reassuring to hear other experiences were like mine. Thank you.
我的天啊! 你刚刚准确地阐述了我与家人的关系是怎样的，为什么会这样。听到其他人的经历和我一样，我很欣慰。谢谢你。