有哪些东西是你这辈子都在避免的？
What have you managed to avoid your whole life?
译文简介
——“婚姻。”
“是你在逃避婚姻，还是婚姻在逃避你？”
——“对。”
正文翻译
What have you managed to avoid your whole life?
有哪些东西是你这辈子都在避免的？
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Shitting outside. Not much of an accomplishment but during my employment for the US forest service I came upon the realization that I’ve never shit in the woods and I’d like to keep that streak going
在户外拉屎。虽然不算是什么成就，不过在联邦林业局工作期间，我突然发现我从来没在树林里拉过屎。我挺愿意把这个记录保持下去的。
The best shit I ever had was during a run in the countryside. I hopped over the gate into a field with a load of sheep and the view was beautiful, the day was warm and I just felt like I was going back to nature like my ancestors lol. I wiped down with some dock leaves with light dew which are basically a perfect wet wipe substitute and then there running water to wash my hands. It was like god looked down that day and said here’s the perfect shit for you, you deserve it.
我拉过的最爽的一泡屎就是在乡下跑步的时候。我跨过栅栏门跑进一片田野，田野上有一群羊，景色非常美丽。那一天很暖和，我觉得我简直要像祖先那样回归自然了。我用羊蹄叶擦的屁股，上面还沾着一点露水，是非常完美的开腚纸替代品，那里还有流水给我洗手。当时感觉简直像是上帝那天俯身看了我一眼，然后跟我说送你一次完美的拉屎体验吧，这是你应得的。
Kidney stones.
肾结石。
我之前吃错了药。五年之后发现那个药最大的副作用是肾结石。谢天谢地我还没得过……
It is fucking HORRIBLE. Not to scare you, but I was in pain for about 3 months. It was insane. It's literally the most painful thing that's happened to me. I even had a mother of 2 with cancer say "I don't envy you, they're so painful it's horrible" which made me feel even worse.
太他妈痛苦了。我真的不吓你，我忍了三个月的剧痛。简直让人发疯。真的是我这辈子经历过的最痛苦的事。甚至有个得了癌症的两个孩子的母亲，跟我说“我一点都不嫉妒你，太痛苦了太可怕了”，这让我觉得更糟糕了。
显然如果你曾经得过一次肾结石的话，那么下一块会很快找上门来，因为……你那里还留着空斑，天哪我可不盼着这种事情发生。要是我感觉又结了一块，我会立刻跑到大夫那里去，让他们给我弄那个超声波碎石的玩意儿。
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Same.
俺也一样。
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我之前得过一次肾结石，当时我非常严肃地问大夫我是不是要死了。我从出门准备吃午饭，变成觉得自己可能得去趟洗手间，又变成自己对自己说“完蛋了，我就要死在这儿了”，出汗出到三分钟之内汗滴在了人行道上，陌生人过来问我需不需要帮助。痛苦就有这么严重。没得过肾结石的兄弟们：你们应该认为自己非常幸运。
I’m 38 - I’ve never been stung by a bee or a wasp. They seem to be naturally repelled from my skin.
我今年38岁——我这辈子从没被蜜蜂或黄蜂咬过。我的皮肤好像对他们有种自然的驱散作用。
但蚊子呢，就……
Cancer
癌症
It comes when you least expect it
它会在你觉得最不可能的时候找上你。
So if I just expect it slightly more each day, I'm safe?
所以只要我每天都比前一天都觉得更有可能得癌症，我就安全了？
no, that would mean you would get it right now
不，那你会立刻得上。
Quite a few of my professors (biotech degree) worked in cancer research. They've all said that basically if you live a long enough, healthy enough life, cancer will get you in the end. The only way you don't get cancer is if something else gets you first. They also all agreed the only two things you should really, really concern yourself about in regards to avoiding cancer are - don't smoke/chew/use tobacco and don't tan. Everything else is negligible, so don't sweat all those sensational news stories about studies that say hot beverages cause throat cancer or using dryer sheets causes cancer. As one of them liked to say, "Life causes cancer."
我有不少教授（生物科技领域）都在做癌症方面的研究。他们都说总地来说只要你活得足够长，足够健康，那么癌症早晚会找上你的。你唯一不得癌症的方法就是先得个别的大病。他们还认为假如你真的，真的不想得癌症的话，那么只有两件事是你一定要避免的：别吸烟/嚼烟叶/使用烟草制品，以及别晒日光浴。其他所有的因素都可以忽视，所以别被新闻里说的那些热饮导致喉癌啊或者用烘干纸致癌啊之类的研究吓到。我有个教授很喜欢说，“生命本身就致癌。”
编辑：当然，我的意思不是假如你足够健康并避免这两件事，你就不会患上癌症。我的意思是这两件事是一定会让你患上癌症的。正如我们都知道的，有时候不管怎么样你都会得癌症。
Incarceration
入狱
This. I got arrested and locked in a police cell overnight for a bogus drink driving charge and it's pretty terrifying.
没错。我有一次因为酒驾被逮捕了，并且在看守所被关了一晚，很吓人。
我只在牢房里呆了八个小时，但感觉像是过了一辈子。我根本想象不了服刑很长时间将会是什么样的生活。
Being arrested.
被逮捕。
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One of my favorite stories in recent years was that 99 year old lady who asked to be arrested as part of her bucket list.
我近几年最喜欢的一个故事就是有个99岁的老奶奶要求别人逮捕她，因为这是她人生目标的一部分。
I took three shots at a party when I was three weeks from being 21 and then decided to ride in the car with a completely sober girl because she wanted to go to the gas station. She rolled through a stop sign and the next thing I knew the guy was breathalyzing both of us. I spent that night in a drunk tank. Concrete bench and floors with bright lights. No sleep at all. I had to leave for a wedding the next day by 10am, but my car and phone were still 5 miles away at the house where the party was. They let me out at 8:15am and I immediately started my five mile run to get my car and phone so I could make it to my parents in time to leave in hopes they would never find out. I made it 500 feet and then my dad pulled up on the side of the road, threw open the car door, and said “get in”.
我离21岁还有三个星期的时候，在一个派对上喝了三杯烈酒，然后决定坐一个完全没喝酒的女孩的车，因为她要去加油站。她从一个停车标志前面开了过去，于是警察就在给我们两个人做酒精测试了。那天晚上我是在监禁室里度过的。椅子和地板都是混凝土，灯光明晃晃的，一晚上都睡不着。我第二天早上10点得去参加一场婚礼，但是我的车子和手机还在五英里外开派对的地方。他们在早晨8:15把我放了出来，于是我立刻开始了我的五英里长跑，好及时拿到我的车子和手机，在父母发现这件事之前跑到他们那里去。我跑了刚刚五百码，我爸就在路边停好了车，把车门打开，跟我说“上来”。
Getting stung by a bee or wasp
被蜜蜂或者黄蜂蛰过
Lucky. Bees aren't the worst but definitely knocks the energy out of you and really hurts at first
你真幸运。虽然蜜蜂不是蜇人最疼的，但它们也绝对可以把你全身的力气都耗干净，并且一开始也非常疼
Me too and now I’ve built it up so much that I’m absolutely terrified of wasps and I run for my life when I see one
我也是，而且我被叮太多次了，现在我已经害怕到见到一只就要拼命跑开了
Catching Covid.
得新冠
Wealth
财富
I felt this one.
我感同身受。
The funny thing is, wealth is a sliding scale that tends to slide upward as you earn more money. Unless you are genuinely way more wealthy than everyone you live around, you'd be unlikely to call yourself wealthy.
最好笑的是，财富的尺度是不断变化的，你挣的钱越多，它的尺度就变得越大。除非你比你身边的所有人都有钱，否则你不太可能认为自己是个有钱人。
打个比方，我挣的钱非常非常多（但我小时候家里很穷），所以按我青少年时期的标准，我得说我自己是个大富豪了。
但是，我住的这个城市里到处都是几百万美元的豪宅……所以我真的很有钱吗？才不是呢，别人才是那些真的有钱的人。
The thing about that is they look like they have a lot of money. What you need to realize is that they also most likely have payments on houses, cars, other big toys, utility bills, tax bills, etc. they have bills just like the rest of us, theirs are Just bigger.
其实事实是他们只是看上去有很多钱而已，你应该意识到他们肯定也有房贷，车贷，别的大玩具，水电费，各种税等等项目要还。他们也要和我们一样付账单。只不过他们的账单大一点儿。
The other thing is, most millionaires aren’t who you are referring to or who you think about when you say this. I am a millionaire, it’s all just sitting in retirement accounts though as 2 million pounds isn’t enough to stop working at 35. For some who lives on much less in less expensive cities, maybe it is, but for me living in London it is not. I don’t do anything “scummy” to earn this money though and likely very few people in the millionaire category do. I work as a data scientist. This idea of “millionaire means filthy rich” is outdated as hell. Just saying, the sliding scale is very very real.
还有一件事在于，绝大多数有百万家产的人都不是你说到的或者你想象的这种人。我自己就是个百万富豪，但我的那些钱都存在退休账户里，因为200万英镑是不够的让我从35岁开始退休花到死的。对于那些住在物价没那么昂贵的城市的人来说，或许算得上是这样，但是对我这个住在伦敦的人来说不是。我不会做任何“肮脏”的事情来挣这份钱，我想基本没有几个百万富豪是会这么做的。我的工作是数据科学家。所谓的“百万富豪的钱都是黑心钱”早就过时了。但我还是要说，变化的尺度是非常真实的。
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getting rabies
得狂犬病
A fist fight. Aside from my siblings, I’ve never been in a physical fight.
打架。除了跟我的兄弟之外，我从没跟别人打过架。
I was once out with a group of male friends. For reasons that I can't recall we ended up getting into an argument with another group of males. Before I knew it there was a lot of gesturing and shouting as we all squared up to one another.
我曾经和一群男性友人一起出去玩。我不记得当时是为什么了，但到头来我们开始和另一群男人争吵。我还没反应过来，互相就开始一边喊一边比划，我们开始一个对一个准备单挑了。
对于我这种一点打架的欲望都没有的软蛋来说，这种情况可一点也不好。幸运的是跟我单挑的对手也是一样的人。在身边的所有人都开始打架的时候，我们两个差不多是跳了一支舞，踮着脚尖，拳头举在空中，但打得就像两只玩耍的小狗。旁边所有人都打完了之后，我们互相微笑了一下，各走各的路了，当然我们都得跟各自的朋友们形容一下自己刚才的“战况”有多么激烈。
Me neither. I have a strong feeling I'd get my ass kicked.
我也没打过。我有种强烈的预感，我肯定打不过别人。
Keep it that way, fights suck
这样挺好的，打架真的不是啥好事
People tend to romanticize fighting, but every physical altercation I've ever been in (3 total, never started by me) has probably looked incredibly stupid to bystanders. If you don't know how to fight, you're not gonna figure it out in the moment. Not only that, but hitting hurts as much as getting hit, and you can die or commit murder very easily with only one well placed punch to your face or chest.
人们倾向于把斗殴浪漫化，但是我所遭遇过的所有肢体冲突（一共三次，没有一次是我引起的），假如从旁人的视角来看一定都很蠢。假如你平常就不知道怎么打架，那么你在彼时彼刻也想不出来。不仅如此，而且打人和挨打一样疼，只要有一拳正好打在面门或胸口的某个位置上，那么你可能一下子就死了，或者把别人给杀了。
I've done Muay Thai and boxing for 5 years. I know how to fight. However street fights scare the hell out of me. You're right, fighting is too romanticized. In the real world so many things can go wrong. Death, serious injury, arrest, etc. Every time I hear someone so confident about getting into a street fight I roll my eyes and just know they aren't about my life. As someone who has had to defend himself and know what he's doing-- It's not fun. Try your best to avoid it.
我打过五年的泰拳和拳击。我知道怎么打架。然而街头斗殴仍然让我感到非常恐惧。你说得没错，斗殴实在被浪漫化了。在现实世界中，有很多事情都可能与你想的相差甚远。死亡，重伤，被逮捕，等等。每次我听见有人说他就算是被卷入街头斗殴也有取胜的自信的时候，我都翻白眼，我知道他们跟我不是一路人。作为一个得保护自己、并且知道自己在做什么的人，我想告诉你们这一点也不好玩。尽量避免这种事情吧。
Dating apps
约会软件
My wife was showing her roommate how to connect to the campus mainfrx and pulled up the screen of all online users. Out of the list she chose my name to show that people could message each other. That’s how we met (1994)
我老婆当年在给她的室友示范怎么用电脑连接上校园网主机，然后她调出了所有在线用户的页面。在那一串名单里，她选了我的名字，来展示人们可以互相发信息。我们就是这么遇见的（1994年）。
Quicksand and the Bermuda triangle
流沙和百慕大三角
Quicksand is a funny thing. I knew that it existed for real, and it was nothing like the way it is portrayed in movies. My dad got stuck in quicksand once, told me about it, and it never really clicked with me until I ended up stuck in it myself. Quicksand is relatively rare; most places in the world will not support quicksand, but a few specific environments are susceptible to developing quicksand. It looks like dirt with a little bit of water sitting on top of it. My first encounter with it, I walked across what looked like a VERY tiny puddle on solid ground and wound up completely stuck to my hip in cement-like mud. It was liquid for an instant, and then just cemented in around my one leg. I got out by jamming my hiking pole down alongside my leg, and "stirring" the dirt. Eventually, water re entered the area, and I could pull my leg out. For a moment there was a big puddle of mud with a huge hole where my leg had been. Then it just.. disappeared and became solid again. Next time I ran into it, I had a canoe on my shoulders. Turns out, a canoe and double bladed paddle are pretty much the most perfect quicksand self rescue tools you can ever have. I just groaned, put the canoe on the ground, draped my body over the canoe, and slowly kicked my way out up. Now, I probe suspicious looking patches of ground in river flood plains with a stick before committing my weight to them. The chances you will get so badly stuck in quicksand that cannot self-rescue within ~10 minutes are small, but very much not zero.
流沙其实很好玩。我知道它在现实中存在，但它其实和电影里描述的一点也不一样。我爸之前曾经陷进过流沙里，他跟我讲过，我还不信，直到我自己也陷进去了一次。流沙是相对罕见的；世界上绝大多数地区是不会出现流沙的，但一些特定的环境有可能会出现流沙。它看起来像是一块脏土，上面有一点水。我第一次遇见的时候，走过了一片看起来像是在坚实地面上非常非常小的一小滩水的地方，结果突然陷了下去没到了我的大腿根，旁边都是水泥一样结实的泥。它在上一瞬间还是流体，但马上就在我的一条腿周围凝结成水泥一样。我把登山杖捅到我的那条腿旁边，“搅拌”沙土，于是水重新流动了进去，我就可以把腿拔出来了。在我的腿拔出来的地方有一个大洞和一滩泥，但转瞬之间它就消失了，又变成了坚实的地面。第二次我遇上的时候，我的肩膀上扛着一个划艇。我发现划艇和双叶桨是陷入流沙时最好的自救工具。我叫了一声，把划艇放到地面上，把身体往划艇的方向拖拽，然后慢慢踢腿把自己踢上去。现在，我在泛滥平原上走的时候，会先用棍子在地面上戳一戳那些形状可疑的地方，然后再把全身的重量压上去。你碰见那种不能在10分钟之内自救的流沙的概率是非常小的，但也不是0.
I got sucked into the ground once. In Iceland. There was boiling mud down there. My foot skin hung off like melted candle wax. My right foot is still starch white and hairless.
我曾经被困到过地里。在冰岛。里面有滚烫的泥浆。我脚上的皮像融化的蜡一样垂下来。我的右脚到现在还是惨白，上面一根毛也没有。
A stable sense of accomplishment
稳定的成就感
My stable sense of accomplishment is making my bed in the morning. I only started doing it about 5 years ago. I recommend it. Some days it’s all I can I accomplished.
我的稳定的成就感来自每天早上叠被。我是五年前刚开始这么做的。我很推荐。有的时候这是我一整天唯一能做到的事情。
Breaking a bone
骨折。
Marriage.
婚姻。
Did you avoid it, or did it avoid you?
是你在避免婚姻，还是婚姻在避免你？
Yes
对。
Dying.
死亡。
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听起来可能是在讽刺，但其实真不是。
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我出生就有脐疝，严重到得在两个月大的时候做手术（而且我还早产了一个月，所以……）
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一年级的时候我得过猩红热。
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我大学一年级出过车祸，当时我在冰面上滑到了，吓得够呛，结果被一辆福特福睿斯给碾了。带着两肩膀脱臼并且脑震荡（实际上我晕过去了两次，一次几秒钟一次几分钟）的身体走到了医院，脸上缝了一百多针，包括一个眼皮的部分重建。
30多岁的时候食物过敏会变得更严重。我是两年前被急救车从单位送进急诊室之后确诊过敏才知道的。结果我是对生菜和菠菜过敏，还有别的。现在我得随身带着肾上腺素笔了。
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六个月之前，在38岁生日之后不久，我的脖子疼了一两星期。我以为是肌肉酸痛。其实是动脉问题，我的颈动脉夹层出现了血栓，活动脖子的时候血栓脱离了，跑到了我的大脑里。我的整个右半边身体都针扎一样地疼，我中风了，在典型中风患者年纪的一半。
按照现在这个发展趋势，我可能要在40岁那年被一个从太空掉下来的报废苏联卫星给砸死。但我现在还没死呐！
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Bro how are you allergic to lettuce it’s mostly water that’s so fucked up can’t even have a salad
兄弟你怎么会对生菜过敏啊，生菜里全都是水啊！这也太难受了你以后连沙拉都不能吃了。
Lettuce would put him in a...vegetative state.
生菜会把他变成……植物人。
Sex, especially in my teen years
做爱，尤其是在青少年时期
Same! 29 years and counting!
我也是！我已经坚持了29年了！
1 more year and you become a wizard. Hell yeah!
再坚持一年你就能成为大法师了。欧耶！
It's not true, made it to 31 and got nothing. Still waiting for the owl to show up with my hat.
假的，我都31了还啥也没有。我还在等着猫头鹰叼着我的帽子飞过来。
Success
成功
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Technically, you're successful at not being successful then, which makes you successful.
讲道理，那么你在不成功这方面非常成功，所以你也很成功。
Well, society usually tend to call that "Failure"
可是，社会通常管这种情况叫做失败啊。
Then you are successful at failure
那么你就在失败这方面很成功。
Becoming the very thing I swore to destroy
成为那个我曾经发誓要毁灭的人。
Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the Dark Side as you do!
别来教训我，欧比旺。我看透了绝地武士的谎言。我可不像你那样畏惧原力的黑暗面！
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Death. As I'm Australian I'm sure you'll agree this is quite the accomplishment.
死亡。作为一名澳大利亚人，我敢肯定你们会认为这是个了不起的成就。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Assuming from your username you were born in 1982, this would make you either 38 or 39. Making it to level 38 or 39 in Australia is absolutely an accomplishment. Here, have an award.
从你的用户名来看，你是1982年出生，所以你今年38或者39岁。在澳大利亚能升到38级、39级真的算是成就了。来，给你个奖状。
A car accident
车祸
编辑：顺便说一句，那些肇事逃逸的混蛋都该在路灯上吊死。
So you're the person I keep getting into all the wrecks for! Seriously, I've been in half a dozen accidents where cars were totaled and so many others that I can't even count. They're never my fault and the local body shop actually knows me by name when I come in because I've been there so many times.
所以我撞烂了好几辆车，就是让你这种人把运气吸走了对吧！说真的，我已经经历了五六场让车辆报废的交通事故了，小一点的事故我自己都数不过来。没有一起是我自己的责任，我这边的修车厂都知道我叫什么了，因为我去过太多次了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Jesus christ that's terrible
我滴妈耶这也太可怕了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
我猜你现在学会不要什么事都开车去办了！
我很喜欢开车。我的车还很新，但假如它报废了的话我感觉我会崩溃的，因为这种车型已经停产了，并且我甚至连同样使用状况的二手车都找不到。
That's what makes it so bad. I haven't learned to not get attached. I'm very much a car guy too and I don't just go out and pick up whatever I can. Every car I buy i do so only after doing extensive research and shopping far and wide to get exactly what I want.
最糟糕的就是这一点啊。我还做不到离开我的车。我也很喜欢开车，我的车也不是随便就买的。每次我买车，我都是在用心研究，货比三家之后才买到自己最喜欢的型号。
我有一辆车是在我和我儿子还有他最好的朋友一起在一个暑假花了一周又一周的时间改装之后开去参加展览的，我们在那个展览上还赢了奖。根本没有别的车比得上我们的车，因为我们花了很大的精力在上面。尽管我花了这么大的经历，但两个小伙子得到的教训却是往自己的车子上花费时间和金钱一点意义也没有，这让我非常难过，因为我本来打算在他16岁那年把这辆车送给他当生日礼物的。然而有一天我和老婆开着这辆车去上养父母培训课程（我们打算再领养一个孩子）的时候，一个醉驾的司机闯红灯撞到了我们的车上。
That's what makes it so bad. I haven't learned to not get attached. I'm very much a car guy too and I don't just go out and pick up whatever I can. Every car I buy i do so only after doing extensive research and shopping far and wide to get exactly what I want.
引用：“最糟糕的就是这一点啊。我还做不到离开我的车。我也很喜欢开车，我的车也不是随便就买的。每次我买车，我都是在用心研究，货比三家之后才买到自己最喜欢的型号。”
妈的，我的两辆车也是花了很大心思研究的。妈的我都替你觉得难受，认真的。
说到那些酒驾的司机，我特别害怕他们。我之前遇见过吸冰毒吸嗨了的司机（我很清楚怎么看出来）。我人都吓傻了，立刻停到了路边。
那些酒驾的司机就应该一辈子都开不了车。在致命的车祸中幸存的也总是这帮人。我恨死他们了。
Honestly, until two days ago, grief. I’d had family die, pets die, people I know die and I just always shrugged it off, thought I was just immune to grief as I’m a pretty emotionless person until… Watched my cat get put down the other day and I’ve been grieving hard since. Watching him in his final moments really put it into my brain, I think I’d been in denial previously on how permeant of a thing that death really is, and every time it’s happened around me I’ve just denied it’s existence. Seeing it in front of me, damm. Shit hurts.
说实话，直到前两天为止，悲伤。我经历过家人，宠物，认识的人的离世，但我耸耸肩就当这事过去了。我以为我只是对悲伤免疫，因为我是个没什么感情的人……直到前两天我看着我的猫被埋葬起来的时候，从那时到现在我一直在悲伤的情感中。陪他经历生命的最后时刻真的是我脑海中挥之不去的记忆，我想我只是一直在否认死亡这个东西在缓慢渗透我的生活，每次我经历身边的死亡，我只是否认死亡的存在。亲眼见证这件事，妈的，太让人难过了。
每次我想起我爸爸和童年时他养的两只狗的时候（之后也死了）我都会觉得两只狗都坐在他的身边，但他们都去世好几年了。我猜这就是我和死亡打交道的方式吧，深深地否认掉。看着Jasper（我的猫）经历生命的最后时刻，解开了我之前全部感情的封印，这几天里我不止在为他的过世而悲伤，也在为我之前经历过却无法处理的所有死亡而悲伤。
I think it's a big thing that you managed to unlock grief for yourself. I don't know how you're feeling about it, but as someone who is still grieving from time to time, I would say that you should not try to rush it.
我觉得你能做到为你自己解开悲伤的锁是一件重要的事。我不知道你对此有什么感受，但是作为一个还会时不时感到悲伤的人，我希望你不要匆匆把它遗忘。
我之前很长一段时间也以为自己没什么感情，然后我才明白我只是在隐藏自己的感情，并且作为一名成年人，我也不懂该怎么与我的感情相处。我总是觉得我应该尽快“过去”。但这样没用。
说到悲伤，给它一点时间，用心去感受它，你要清楚在很长一段时间内感到悲伤也是很正常的一件事。或许几周，或许几个月，或许几年。这种情感是没有截止日期的。
有时悲伤会离开，但是之后突然有一天，你又想起了你的猫，你又觉得有点难受了。这完全没问题，也很正常。