父母对所有孩子的爱都是一样的吗？

David Schneider, Professor Emeritus of Psychology & Cognitive Sciences,

心理学和认知学的名誉教授

A better question would be do parents like each of their children equally, and for many of us the answer is no. Children have different personalities and interests as do their parents. So a parent may feel more comfortable with one child and have more interests in common with him. Some children are touchy so a parent has to be on guard not to say the wrong thing while others are more easy going. And, of course, some children are more likely to do things that make the parents proud; even though parents generally shouldn’t feed off their children’s successes, it’s hard not to do so. Some children are more successful than others, and in extreme cases some may be successful and others complete failures. All other things being equal it would be hard not to like a child who is successful and happily married more than a sib still living in the basement at home and not making much progress in life.

这样问可能更好一点：父母是否对他们的每一个孩子都付出了同样的爱，对我们很多人来说，答案是否定的。因为父母和他们的孩子都有着不同的性格和兴趣爱好。所以父母可能会觉得和其中的某一个孩子相处起来更舒服，因为和他有共同的兴趣爱好。有些孩子很敏感，所以父母要小心，不能说错话，而有些孩子则可能更容易相处。当然，有些孩子可能会做一些让父母感到很自豪的事情，尽管我们并不提倡父母以孩子的成功为自豪，但我们很难做到。有些孩子就是比其他孩子更容易成功，在某些极端的情况下，有些孩子可能很容易就成功了，而有些孩子则会彻底失败。在其他条件相同的情况下，相比起生活上没有多大进步的同胞兄弟来说，我们更容易喜欢一个婚姻幸福、事业有成的孩子。

All that said, parents should (and most do) try to treat their children equitably which is not necessarily equally. And it’s hard. Different kids need different kinds of advice and different constellations of carrots and sticks. It’s inevitable that at least one child will feel that she has been treated less fairly (and she may be right) or that she has been less successful in meeting parental expectations. She may even come to think that she is loved less, but as I say that’s often not accurate. Most parents do their best for each child and sometimes don’t get it quite right. It’s been my experience that generally such feelings of being loved less tend to dissipate when the children get children of their own and have to confront all the issues just mentioned.

综上所述，父母以及大多数人都应该公平地对待他们所有的孩子，但这并不意味着父母一定能做到对每个孩子都一视同仁，因为做到完全平等实在是太难了。不同的孩子需要不同的建议，有的人需要鼓励式教育，而有的人则需要棍棒教育。但不可避免的是，一个家庭中至少会有一个孩子觉得他自己受到了不公平的对待（可能她猜的是对的），也许是因为她觉得自己没有达到父母的期望。她甚至会觉得父母并不爱自己，但就像我说的那样，这种感觉通常都是不对的。因为大多数的父母为他们的每个孩子都尽了最大的努力，虽然有时候他们做得并不尽如人意。但根据我的经验，只有当孩子们有了他们自己的孩子，当他们不得不面对上面提到的所有问题时，这种没有被爱的感觉才会消失。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

I do believe in love and specifically that parents love their children, but I don’t know how to quantify that, and ’m not even sure what it means in behavioral terms. Like most parents I would do whatever is necessary (and remotely reasonable) to help my children, and I would never want to be in position to have to decide who deserves that help more. And I suppose a child could do something so outside my moral limits that I would cease to love that child as much. Love’s a very funny emotion whereas liking is far more straightforward.

我相信爱，尤其是父母对他们孩子的那种爱，但我不知道该如何量化它，我甚至不知道这在行为学上意味着什么。但是像大多数父母一样，我会尽我最大的努力去做一切有必要的事情来帮助我的孩子，而我永远也不会决定我应该给谁提供更多的帮助。我想，如果一个孩子做了一些超出我道德底线的事情，那我就不会再像以前那么爱他了。爱是一种非常有趣的情感，而喜欢则简单很多。

Jo Eberhardt, Mother of two

两个孩子的母亲

All parents? No, of course not. Go to any parenting forum anywhere and you’ll find that there isn’t a single aspect of parenting that “all parents” agree on.
Do I, as a parent, love my children equally? Yes.
But it’s worth mentioning that “equal” doesn’t mean “in the same way”. And “love” can look different from relationship to relationship.
My eldest son is my heart. He’s quiet and quirky and introspective. He feels things more deeply than anyone else I’ve ever met. He’s a complex, abstract thinker with simple physical needs. The way his mind works is absolutely extraordinary, and fills me with joy and pride. I feel physical pain when he’s hurting—whether his pain is physical or emotional. He reminds me so much of myself when I was a child.

所有的父母都是这样吗？答案当然不是。不管你去哪个育儿论坛，你都会发现几乎所有的父母都没有达成一个统一的育儿观念。
作为父母，我是不是对我所有的孩子都付出了同样的爱？答案当然是：是。
但值得一提的是，“平等”并不意味着“以同样的方式”。而“爱”在不同的关系中看起来是不同的。
我的长子是我的心肝宝贝。他安静、古怪、善于自省。他对事物的感受是我见过的所有人里面最深刻的。他是一个复杂的思想家，他只有一些简单的物理需求。他的思维方式也是不同寻常的，这让我很惊喜，也让我很自豪。但当他受伤的时候，我的身体上也会感受到同样的痛苦——不管是身体上的还是情感上的疼痛。他让我想起了我的小时候。

My youngest son is the light of my life. He’s loud and charismatic and bold. He feels things deeply… and then turns those feelings into perfectly-delivered jokes. He’s passionate and brave and emotionally expressive. The moment he walks into a room, the sun starts to shine. He’s quick-witted and intelligent and affectionate. He reminds me so much of myself as an adult.
They are both special and unique—they couldn’t be more different if I’d sat down and purposefully sexted opposing attributes for them before they were born. And I love them both more than I ever knew it was possible to love another human being.
However, the way I show that love is different. Not greater or lesser for either, just different.

我最小的儿子是我的生命之光。他充满魅力，胆子很大。他对所有的事物都有很深刻的感受，他会将这些感受转化成一个完美的笑话。他充满激情，勇敢，善于表达情感。当他走进房间的那一刻，就像太阳一样就开始闪耀。他机智、聪明、深情。他让我想起了成年后的我自己。
他们既特别又独特——如果我能在他们出生前，特地为他们选择相反的属性，他们就不会有这么大的不同了。我爱他们俩，比我想象中的还要更爱。
然而，我表达爱的方式是不同的。并没有特别大的差异，当然也不是小到忽略不计的差异，就只是不同而已。

My eldest son likes to cuddle (if he initiates it), but that’s not his love language. He needs to be heard; he needs to talk; he needs to feel valued through conversation. I spend hours each day talking and listening to him about everything from Pokemon, to philosophy, to why social conventions exist.
My youngest son likes to talk, but that’s not his love language. He needs physical affection; he needs to feel held; he needs tickles and wrestling matches and his hair stroked as I walk past him. I spend time every day doing all of those things, cuddling in the mornings, and having “crazy time” in the afternoons, where we wrestle and tickle each other on the bed.
I think it’s easy for outsiders or children themselves to look at the difference in the way love is shown*, and make assumptions about the quantity of that love. Certainly there have been times my own children have done that exact thing.

我的大儿子很喜欢拥抱（如果是他主动拥抱的话），但那并不是他的爱的语言。他需要被倾听，他需要说话，他需要通过交流来感受到他自己的价值。所以我每天都会花几个小时陪他聊天，听他讲各种事情，从口袋妖怪到哲学，再到为什么社会习俗会存在。
我的小儿子很喜欢说话，但那也不是他的爱的语言。他需要身体上的爱抚，他需要感觉被人触碰到，当我从他身边走过时，他需要有人给他挠痒痒，需要有人跟他进行摔跤比赛，需要有人抚摸他的头发。我每天都会花大把的时间陪他做这些事情，从早上拥抱，到下午在床上互相扭打、挠痒痒，我们一起度过了很多“疯狂的时光”。
我认为，对于局外人或者孩子他们自己来说，他们很容易就能看出爱的表达方式有什么不同，并能迅速的对这种爱的多少做出量化。当然，我自己的孩子也有过这样的经历。

When we were going through the process of having my eldest son officially diagnosed with Asperger’s, my youngest felt left out. He felt that the fact that we spent a lot of time talking about Asperger’s meant that I loved his brother more than him. When he told me how he felt (during a morning cuddle session), I held him all the tighter and apologised to him. From that point forward, I made sure he was invited into the discussions as well—not because he was particularly interested in the conversation, but because he needed to sit on my lap and feel held while we talked.
When my children were much younger, my eldest would sometimes feel like his little brother got all the attention.
“Your brother is as bright and shiny as a butterfly,” I said. “When he flits and floats into the room, everyone’s eyes are drawn to him. But that doesn’t make him any more loved or special or important than the busy little bee buzzing from flower to flower, quietly making honey for all of us to enjoy.”

当我的大儿子被确诊为阿斯伯格综合症时，我的小儿子就觉得他被忽视了。他觉得，我们花了很多时间在谈论阿斯伯格综合症，这意味着我爱他哥哥胜过了爱他。有一次上午进行拥抱时，他告诉了我他的感受，我当时把他紧紧抱住，并向他道歉。从那以后，我都会邀请他一起参加讨论——不是因为他对谈话特别感兴趣，而是因为他需要坐在我的腿上，他需要感觉到他自己被我抱着。
当我的孩子还很小的时候，我的大儿子经常会觉得他的弟弟得到了所有的关注。
我说：“哥哥像蝴蝶一样明亮有光泽。”。当它飞入房间的时候，每个人的目光都被它吸引住了。但这并不意味着他比那只忙碌的小蜜蜂更特别、更重要、更受人喜爱。因为那只小蜜蜂嗡嗡嗡地从一朵花上飞到了另一朵花上，它静静地给我们大家酿造了美味的蜂蜜。”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

From that point forward, when my youngest inadvertantly drew all attention to himself (which he never did on purpose—it’s just who he is), my eldest and I would make eye contact and smile. “He’s such a butterfly,” my eldest son would say proudly.
[*] I mentioned that it’s easy to think one child is the favourite because of the way love is expressed. However, the other point to keep in mind is that children may not feel loved at all if their parents aren’t expressing love in the way they need to receive it.
If I tried to show my eldest son how much I loved him by snuggling and tickling with him for hours, not only would he feel unloved, he wouldn’t trust me.
Likewise, if I tried to show my youngest son how much I loved him by talking to him about the nature of reality, he would feel both unloved .

从那时起，每当我最小的儿子总是有意无意的把所有的注意力都吸引到他自己身上的时候（虽然他从来没有故意这么做，但他就是这样一个容易吸引大家目光的人）我和我的大儿子都会目光对视并会心一笑。我的大儿子会自豪地说:“我是一只美丽的蝴蝶。”
就像我之前提到过的一样，当我们看到一个孩子被父母表达了爱意的时候，我们很容易认为这个孩子是最受欢迎的。但是，我们需要记住的一点是，如果父母没有用孩子们需要的方式来表达爱，那孩子可能根本就没有感觉到被爱。
如果我试图仅靠几个小时的依偎和挠痒痒来表达我对大儿子的爱，那他不仅不会感觉到被爱，还会开始不信任我。
同样地，如果我试图通过和我最小的儿子来谈论现实的本质来表达我有多爱他，他也会觉得自己没有被爱。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Jonathan Myer, Owner, Grant and proposal consultancy

格兰特建议咨询公司老板

No, parents don’t love all of their children the same, but I believe — and I am surprised to have concluded this — that parents love each of their children as much as the others.
First, you have to understand that parents love their children. The love can’t be helped. We all know that there are exceptions, of course, but the more typical situation is that the parent loves the child automatically.
But each child is different. My oldest is very headstrong . My youngest is my only son. He can be completely bratty but also sweet and fun. My middle child is a sweetheart. She’s totally gentle, kind, and affectionate. You’d think she is my “favorite.”

不，父母对每个孩子的爱都是不一样的，但是我相信，我也很惊讶我能得出这样的结论：父母对每个孩子的爱都和对其他孩子的爱一样多。
首先，您必须明白父母都很爱他们的每一个孩子。爱是不可替代的。我们都知道会有例外，但是更典型的情况是父母都是发自内心的爱着他们的孩子。
但是每个孩子都不一样的。我最大的孩子非常任性。我最小的孩子，也是我唯一的儿子，他有时候很讨人厌，有时候又很甜美有趣。我第二个孩子是一个小甜心，她非常温柔、善良而且深情。您可能会认为她是我的“最爱”。

Yet, each child reflects personality traits that I and my wife have. So to see each child is to see something of my wife or me, at that stirs love. Then there’s the love the children have for one another: when they are together, my heart gets overfilled. In moments like these, the very idea of loving one child more of less than the others is completely absurd.
So, yes, I have one child that is in sync with my dominant personality. It’s easy for us to get along and have fun because we are alike. She’s my favorite.
But then there’s my oldest. She’s the first born, the intrepid one, the fighter, the independent one. I totally respect her and always am impressed by her. She’s my favorite, too.

但是，每个孩子的身上都反映出了我和我妻子不同的性格特征。所以，每当我看到我的孩子们，我都会从他们身上看到我和我妻子的影子，所以这就激发了我们对他们的爱。还有就是孩子们彼此之间的爱：当他们在一起的时候，我的心就会被满满的爱给填满。在这样的时刻，爱一个孩子多于爱另外一个孩子的想法是完全荒谬的。
所以，我有一个和我性格很像的孩子。我们很容易相处，因为我们很相似，我们在一起很开心，她就是我的最爱。

And then there’s my boy. He’s so smart and fun. I find myself fascinated with the things that preoccupy him and his amazing self-discipline. I just love being with him. He’s also my favorite.
This is what I mean when I say I DON’T love all the children the same. The love is different for each one. The other important thing is that love is always evolving because they are getting older and so am I. Life puts everything in flux.
I am glad you asked the question; I really was not expecting the answer to be what I’ve written. But I know it’s right.

不过还有一个孩子，她就是我的大女儿，她是一个勇敢的战士，她很独立。我非常尊重她，也对她印象很深刻，她也是我的最爱。
然后就是我的儿子，他是如此的聪明有趣。我发现自己对他关注的事情和他惊人的自律很着迷。我就是喜欢和他待在一起。他也是我的最爱。
这就是我说我对所有孩子的爱不尽相同的意思。每个人的爱都是不同的。另一件重要的事情就是，爱总是在不断的发展，因为他们在不断的成长，我也是。生活使一切都在不断的变化。
我很高兴你问了这个问题，我真的没有料到我会写这样的答案，但我知道这是对的。

Yingzi Li, B Sc. Computer Science from University of Calgary

卡尔加里大学计算机科学学士

I am a mother with two kids, one is a boy and another is a girl.
From the bottom of my heart, I love both of them. But I don't know how you measure the “equality”.
What I only do is to satisfy their needs as much as possible. For example, my daughter likes to eat berries and grapes that need to be washed thoroughly. I could spend one hour washing them under the ice cold water in winter. I love her, therefore I do that.
But my son eats fewer these kinds of fruits than my daughter. He likes to eat watermelon which does not need to be washed at all. But I get up at 6:50am each morning to boil an egg for him so that he could eat a hot egg for his breakfast. I never did that to my daughter. I always boiled the egg the evening before and in the second morning, she had to warm it in microwave by herself and I slept through it.

我是一个有两个孩子的母亲，他们一个是男孩，另一个是女孩。
我是从心底里爱他们两个。但我不知道你如何衡量“平等”的。
我唯一能做的就是尽可能地满足他们所有的需要。比如，我女儿喜欢吃需要清洗干净的浆果和葡萄。冬天的时候，我可以花一个小时的时间在冰冷的水里洗这些水果。因为我爱她，所以我这么做了。
但是我的儿子不太喜欢我女儿吃的这些水果，他喜欢吃不需要洗的西瓜。所以我每天早上都会6:50起床，为他煮一个鸡蛋，这样他的早餐就可以吃一个热鸡蛋来补充营养。但是我从来没有为我的女儿做过这些，我一般都是在前一天晚上把鸡蛋煮熟，然后第二天早上她自己用微波炉加热一下就可以吃了，而我则睡了一觉。

I normally try to balance my love to both of them. If I felt guilty for one of them on this side, then I would make up for it from other side. Therefore, in total, I think they get my efforts equally. At least, they get my HEART equally although they may not get my efforts equally.
There is a saying says “muscle grows on both the back of hand and the palm of the hand”.
As a mother, I should treat them fairly theoretically. I literally did my best practically. Strictly speaking, it maybe hard to treat them equally since they were born in different time and our living standards are constantly improving. For example, my son had an iPad and video games when he was only 5 years old. But my daughter had a laptop until in middle school. How could you compare these two different situations? But, they enjoy the same privileges and same amount of love in my heart.
From the perspective of getting whatever they want based on our economical conditions, they are treated equally.

我通常会努力平衡我对他们俩的爱。如果我对其中一个人在某一方面感到了愧疚，那么我就会从另一方面去弥补他。所以，总的来说，我认为他们都得到了我努力付出的爱。尽管他们可能无法平等地获得我努力付出的爱。但是至少，他们都得到了我同样爱他们的心。
俗话说“手心和手背都是肉”。
作为一个母亲，理论上，我应该公平地对待他们。实际上，我已经尽了我最大的努力了。所以严格来说，我可能很难平等地对待他们。因为他们出生在了不同的时代，而我们的生活水平也在不断的提高。比如，我的儿子5岁的时候就有了iPad和视频游戏。但我女儿直到上中学时才拥有一台笔记本电脑。你认为该如何比较这两种不同的情况呢？但是，他们在我心中都享有同等的权利和同样多的爱。
所以，根据我们的经济条件以及他们得到了他们想要的东西来看，他们已经受到了平等的对待。

Anonymous
I love my kids separately as individuals and would sacrifice anything and everything for any one of them, but because of temperaments and challenge levels, I don't love them equally. Actively knowing this is hard because I feel really guilty about it and do what I can to try to change the one complicated/strained relationship (but...it remains tenuous even after professional intervention).

我爱我的孩子们，他们都是独立的个体，我愿意为他们中的任何一个人牺牲掉一切，但是由于性格以及各种原因，我并不能平等的爱他们。但是能明白这一点很难，所以我对此感到很内疚，并且我一直在尽我所能去努力改变这段复杂、紧张的关系，但是，即使经过了专业人士的干预之后，这段关系仍然很脆弱。

I have one child who is a miserable human being: perpetually sour, demanding, arrogant, bossy person with no empathy at all and a mean streak (the child will make a wonderful prosecutor one day). I have had this child in a variety of professional help situations and the consensus seems to be that while there isn't anything mentally wrong, the child is serially unreasonable, and can't seem to understand that there is a problem with his/her behavior, and most of it is just personality. I want very much to love this child and have a good relationship with this child...but it is extremely difficult when there are personality traits involved that are abhorrent to me and are not ones I'm equipped for (because I don't have a mean bone in my body and can't respond with anything but hurt and disappointment when the child is mean to others). I do what I can to be proud, supportive, and loving toward this child and to see/praise/encourage the good points (there are some...hyper-responsible, smart, driven) but it is difficult for me. This is not a person I'd choose to be friends with or have anything to do with, were we not related.

我有一个孩子，他是一个可怜人：他总是很乖戾、苛刻、傲慢、专横，毫无同情心，他的性格很刻薄，但是也许有一天这个孩子会成为一名出色的检察官。我帮这个孩子找了各种专业人士寻求帮助，但是大家都一致认为，这个孩子虽然在精神上没有任何的问题，但是他一直都在无理取闹，他们也无法理解他的行为，可能是因为他的个性就是这样的吧。我非常想爱这个孩子，我想和这个孩子保持一个良好的关系，但是，当这个孩子出现一些我很厌恶的性格特征，而我又无法适应这些性格特征的时候，情况就变得很困难了。因为我并不是一个刻薄的人，所以当我的孩子对别人刻薄的时候，我除了感到受伤和失望以外，我不知道我还能作何反应。我尽我自己最大的可能去为这个孩子感到骄傲，去支持，去爱这个孩子，也一直在努力发现、表扬、鼓励他的优点，但这对我来说实在是太难了。如果我们没有血缘关系，我不会选择和这样的人做朋友或者有任何关系。

I have another child who is the absolute light of my life. This child is the perfect cross between my spouse and I, with the best qualities of both and charisma thrown in. This child has the tools and personality to succeed and to be liked. This child is positive, imaginative and happy with a sense of humor. Pretty much the opposite of the other. I would be lying if I said that this child isn't the love of my life and my favorite.
The key is, recognizing this...everything I do, I'm aware of how it can be seen and how hurtful it would be for one child if I ever let it show. So I guess my answer is, I care for and protect them equally, address both needs diligently and with the same level of attention. I don't regret having any child. That said, without intending to or wanting to, I do love one of them more, and I fight every day to mitigate that and keep it from coming out.

我还有一个孩子，他绝对是我生命中的一道光。这个孩子是我和妻子的完美结合，他身上兼具我们两个人的优点和魅力。这个孩子身上有很容易成功以及被人喜欢的特质和个性。这个孩子积极向上，富有想象力，快乐而且很有幽默感。他和另外一个孩子几乎是完全相反的。如果我说这个孩子不是我一生中的挚爱和我最爱的孩子，那绝对是在说谎。
关键是，当我意识到，我所做的每一件事会被人如何看待，也知道如果我把它表现出来，会对一个孩子造成很大的伤害。所以我想我的解决方案是，我对他们两个都付出一样的关心和保护，努力的去满足他们2个的需求，并给予他们2个同样的关注，我并不后悔要孩子。也就是说，在有意或无意中，我确实更爱这2个孩子中的其中一个，但是我每天都在努力缓解这种情况的出现，并努力阻止这种情感流露出来。